-Fine, I guess I’ll get a room at the inn and see if some rest clears up whatever this is. Nine hours of sleep should do it.
-Why am I already awake... in a cabin?! I went to bed in an inn! Oh please let this be a dream sequence.
-Well for a terrifying vision you are easy on the eyes, Astrid.
-Why are the pretty ones always murderously insane? Could you be more of a stereotype? Go ahead, let me hear your pitch for why I should join you in the Dark Brotherhood and become a full blown murderer.
-WHAT?! I am NOTHING like you! You are a cold-blooded killer, who never stops to think about the havoc they inflict on those around them. I, on the other hand, have a hero complex that will land me in therapy at some point.
-Also, fine we are both cold-blooded, but you are only right because of a technicality. As lizards go I’m actually quite warm-hearted.
-Don’t get all territorial with me over “Grelod the Kind”, she was a wretched old woman with the defenses of a shell-less snail. If you, and your little club, were even remotely professional you would have killed her long before I even found the city of Riften.
-Owe you? Wait, you’re serious about this? You seem to be under the impression I’m afraid of things that go bump in the night, the Dark Brotherhood scares me about as much as leprosy... wait, actually I’m afraid of leprosy, I... I really can’t think of an adequate example at the moment.
-Also, before we continue arguing, would you kindly explain the three bound and hooded folks you have stored on the other side of the room? It’s a bit un-nerving.
-“Life for a life”? What are you talking about? You expect me to kill one of them?!
-No need to be alarmed people, according to the attractive sociopath on the bookshelf over there only one of you needs to die, so for two of you this is very good news.
-*deep breath* One of these poor bastards is wanted dead by the brotherhood and I need to figure out which... Friggin’ awesome.
-Okay, let’s just have a little chat with these folks and figure out which one most deserves to die... I can’t think of anyone less qualified to make this decision than I, well, maybe Astrid.
-Let’s see... you sir, the one panicking under the hood on the left, any reason the loon over there would want you dead? Sir, please calm down, I can’t hear what you’re saying over the weeping. Actually, nevermind.
-On to contestant number two... Miss? MISS! Stop yelling at me and … MISS! I’M TRYING TO HELP! God damn it! Would you please lis.. LISTEN! Besides your charming personality, can you think of any reason someone would want you dead? Someone besides me?
-On to contestant three... a Catman who is bragging about assaulting innocent women. Right, I think we have a winner.
-Astrid, I’ve thought about this long and hard and I’ve decided which one deserves to die...
-*thwomp* you.
-What part of “let’s kidnap the dragonborn and see if he is evil” seemed like a good idea?!
-Did you think you dragging me out of bed and into this creepy cabin would make me more agreeable to your insane plan?! *Thwomp*
-I told you I wasn’t like you! But noooooOOOooo, that wasn’t enough! *thwomp* You had to force the issue!
-And now you have your answer, your path ends here. *thwomp*
-Ok, you folks are free to go... except you Catman *thwomp*, you’re a horrible bastard.
-Well, I guess you won’t be needing this “Blade of Woe” anymore. I expect your brethren will come looking for this thing... and me. Lovely, nothing keeps a mind sharp like dodging repeated assassination attempts.
-Get some bed-rest they said, it will do you good they said. Stupid villagers...
I imagine this is what most Japanese game-shows are like.
No comments:
Post a Comment