Day Six in Skyrim: Lizards, Dogs and Other Things That Speak

-I can't believe it took this long for a guard to tell me how he used to be an adventurer until an unfortunate knee arrowing.

-After everything I saw on youtube I expected every guard to greet me with "Welcome to our town! Oy! You wouldn't believe the joint pain! Nothing I do seems to help."

-I want someone to create a mod that makes all the city guards sound like old Jewish grandmother stereotypes.

-You want me to find a dog on a local road? That's it? No bandits? It's not up in a cursed tree? it's not made out of fire is it? Sir, I demand to know what's the catch.

-Fine, you know what? We all know I'm going to step outside this town and some sorta man eating hellhound is going to descend from the sky and you're going to be all like, "Oh, did I say dog? I meant Satan's personal hellbeast! Silly me!" Whatever! I don't even care anymore! I'll go find your "dog"!

-You're kidding me, it really is a dog? HA! I didn't even need to put this meat out to lure him out, he's just walking right over.... and speaking to me. *sigh*

-This talking dog would have been way more shocking if I hadn't spent most of last night talking to the ghost of an elk.

-I love Skyrim but I'm not sure how I feel about this dog chasing simulator.

-Right, dark cave filled with danger.You know the drill by now Punchy, arrows, stabbings, great justice for all, so forth and so on.

-Sneaking, bow drawn, first bandit keeping lookout on a makeshift loft. Arrow back, arrow flies... found my mark right in his heart. He never heard the arrow that ended him.

-Let's just loot this bandit and see what he... wait, this isn't a bandit, it's a vampire?! You lead us into a cave filled with vampires?!? BAD DOG! BAD!

-Once we get out of here I'm through talking to animals.

-Look at that vampire just sitting at his little table eating his.. apples? Is he eating fruit? Vampires eat those?

-I don't care if he is the only vegetarian vampire I've ever seen, I need to drop him. *Thwomp*, HA! he flopped over in his chair like he has narcolepsy! Wait, why is he floating? and standing back up? And looking in our direction? Son of a! Vampire Lord!

-Quit firing all these spells at us! Are you stealing my life points?! I NEED THOSE!

-There, all dead. At least as dead as the undead can be. In all the confusion I have to be honest, I'm not sure if I was bitten or not.

-Didn't we just have a werewolf-itis scare like, ten minutes ago? Am I living wrong? I think I might living wrong.

-I blame the dog for this, all of it.

-So now I'm talking to a statue that is most likely possessed by some kind of demon, I was lead here by a talking dog and I may or may not be infected with vampirism. Did I have a stroke about an hour ago? Am I actually laying unconscious on the ground somewhere twitching wildly?

-So these folks were wishing for a cure for vampirism and you "granted" that wish when I randomly showed up and killed them? I must say you are the laziest evil talking statue I've meet all day.

-So all I have to do is go fetch an axe and I'll be given your "boon" no strings attached? Didn't you just explain to me that the last folks that trusted you are all exceptionally dead?

-I may be nothing more than a six foot tall lizard with amazing aim, a striking jawline and the loyalty of this drunken Nord woman but I'm not your lackey. To you I say, good day sir!

The adorable source of all my problems.