Screen Caps and Numbers: Vol 6

As always Friday is an abbreviated blog entry, just a few some screenshots this week (normally I include my stats but this was a busy week and my stats have only increased slightly). The blog will return on Monday, till then have a festive weekend.

If given the chance I would go camping here in real life.

I was so excited when I found this horse on the road, but every time I dismounted him he went back to wait by his dead owner. Both tragic and annoying.

The final "pep talk" Grelod the Kind ever gave to those poor children.


Sometimes you need to see someone else having a worse day to appreciate your own situation.

Oh Astrid, if I ever do a second play through I promise not to kill you.

Day Twenty-Four in Skyrim: Life, Death and Astrid

-Why does everyone keep telling me I look terrible? Is this what it feels like to be Keith Richards?

-Fine, I guess I’ll get a room at the inn and see if some rest clears up whatever this is. Nine hours of sleep should do it.

-Why am I already awake... in a cabin?! I went to bed in an inn! Oh please let this be a dream sequence.

-Well for a terrifying vision you are easy on the eyes, Astrid.

-Why are the pretty ones always murderously insane? Could you be more of a stereotype? Go ahead, let me hear your pitch for why I should join you in the Dark Brotherhood and become a full blown murderer.

-WHAT?! I am NOTHING like you! You are a cold-blooded killer, who never stops to think about the havoc they inflict on those around them. I, on the other hand, have a hero complex that will land me in therapy at some point.

-Also, fine we are both cold-blooded, but you are only right because of a technicality. As lizards go I’m actually quite warm-hearted.

-Don’t get all territorial with me over “Grelod the Kind”, she was a wretched old woman with the defenses of a shell-less snail. If you, and your little club, were even remotely professional you would have killed her long before I even found the city of Riften.

-Owe you? Wait, you’re serious about this? You seem to be under the impression I’m afraid of things that go bump in the night, the Dark Brotherhood scares me about as much as leprosy... wait, actually I’m afraid of leprosy, I... I really can’t think of an adequate example at the moment.

-Also, before we continue arguing, would you kindly explain the three bound and hooded folks you have stored on the other side of the room? It’s a bit un-nerving.

-“Life for a life”? What are you talking about? You expect me to kill one of them?!

-No need to be alarmed people, according to the attractive sociopath on the bookshelf over there only one of you needs to die, so for two of you this is very good news.

-*deep breath* One of these poor bastards is wanted dead by the brotherhood and I need to figure out which... Friggin’ awesome.

-Okay, let’s just have a little chat with these folks and figure out which one most deserves to die... I can’t think of anyone less qualified to make this decision than I, well, maybe Astrid.

-Let’s see... you sir, the one panicking under the hood on the left, any reason the loon over there would want you dead? Sir, please calm down, I can’t hear what you’re saying over the weeping. Actually, nevermind.

-On to contestant number two... Miss? MISS! Stop yelling at me and … MISS! I’M TRYING TO HELP! God damn it! Would you please lis.. LISTEN! Besides your charming personality, can you think of any reason someone would want you dead? Someone besides me?

-On to contestant three... a Catman who is bragging about assaulting innocent women. Right, I think we have a winner.

-Astrid, I’ve thought about this long and hard and I’ve decided which one deserves to die...
-*thwomp* you.

-What part of “let’s kidnap the dragonborn and see if he is evil” seemed like a good idea?!

-Did you think you dragging me out of bed and into this creepy cabin would make me more agreeable to your insane plan?! *Thwomp*

-I told you I wasn’t like you! But noooooOOOooo, that wasn’t enough! *thwomp* You had to force the issue!

-And now you have your answer, your path ends here. *thwomp*

-Ok, you folks are free to go... except you Catman *thwomp*, you’re a horrible bastard.

-Well, I guess you won’t be needing this “Blade of Woe” anymore. I expect your brethren will come looking for this thing... and me. Lovely, nothing keeps a mind sharp like dodging repeated assassination attempts.

-Get some bed-rest they said, it will do you good they said. Stupid villagers...

I imagine this is what most Japanese game-shows are like.

Day Twenty-Three in Skyrim: The Last Place You Look

-Confidence still isn’t right. I didn’t find a fix for it in a bandit cave, I didn’t find it buried in the skull of a wicked old women... maybe it’s in the chest cavity of a dragon?

-Well, they always say it’s the last place you look. Come on Punchy, we are in the midst of our greatest quest yet. The quest to get my skull back in working order.

-Hmm, well according to my quest journal we have a dragon that needs slaying perched atop a hard to reach mountain. Yep, nothing says “confidence building” quite like dragon hunting on dangerous cliffs.

-This is starting to feel like one of those self help retreats when you head out to nature to find out who you really are.

-Not far from the peak now, before we start the fight let’s take a second and... watch the dragon fly directly overhead. Damn it.

-Why are mythical creatures so impatient? Fine, we can do this anywhere you want you winged freak.
-Running after a dragon seems counter-intuitive.

-Punchy? Meeko? How did I lose my squad?! Damn you mountainside pathing issues!

-What the heck is he zeroing in on? Wow, something or someone just got decimated down there... please don’t let it be Punchy.

-Hey buddy, *Thwomp* This is a no-fly zone, I’m going to need you to bring yourself to a complete stop. *Thwomp*

-*looks around* Did I really just step out in the middle of a field and anger a dragon? How many times do I need to be set on fire before I remember to use cover?

-DAMN IT! Clearly at least once more!

-Fast Healing go! Wait! you wouldn’t set fire to an unarmed lizard, right?

-WHY DO YOU HAVE NO MERCY IN YOUR COLD REPTILE HEART?!

-Wait, why am I no longer engulfed in flames? Punchy! Oh thank god you’re here, I was about to be overcooked.

-Bow drawn, poison applied, arrow back...

-Punchy cannot continue to take the beating that she is, but the window I have to headshot this dragon is small, I have maybe six inches of space between a tree and Punchy’s head...

-If the shot goes wide left odds are good she will die before I can get another shot off, if I go wide right I will kill her outright with a coward’s arrow to the back of the head.

-Focus... come on, we can do this, all I need is the one shot... hold breath and... release.

-Damn right! Crumble under the weight of my greatness! Did you hear that fly past your ear Punchy?! That was my awesome greatness flying past your skull DIRECTLY into his skull! I HAVE BLOWN HIS MIND WITH MY AWESOME IN A LITERAL SENSE!

-Snuggleface! Have you come to celebrate the greatest arrowing ever?! Wait, why do you have a ice shard in your torso?

-Meeko! Oh god! Where is Meeko?! Lightning and ice bolts?! No no no! You don’t get to take my pup from me you worthless necro!

-Your strategy of trying to burn down my pup was a good one but it would have been even better if you didn’t try it with your back to a sheer cliff.

-FUS RO DAH!

-Look at him go Meeko, it’s like he flew off to migrate for the winter.

-Time to head back to town, I may not have it all figured out, but I think I have enough of my brain cells in order to push on.

Not Pictured: a Necromancer with the ability to fly.

Day Twenty-Two in Skyrim: Heartless

-I see all three of you bandits, walking about, content doing... bandit things? But you have something I need and you don’t know it yet.

-*thwomp* And *thwomp* you *thwomp* never.... will.

-This isn’t helping, I can kill all the bandits in Skyrim (a mathematically impossible task) and I’m not going to find what I need.

-Where did that little shred of confidence go? What makes me think it’s here?

-Just last week I was a conquering hero, marching toward my goal. But now, I feel like a fraud.

-Is it possible to feel like a fraud in a make believe world? This is craziness, I need to shake this out.

-Oh Punchy, I’m starting to feel like you might be better off at home in Whiterun, away from me, while I sort this out....

-My god, I’m doing it again. A small fracture forms and I isolate myself and now I’m prepared to extend that crazy idea into Skyrim. *sigh* Brilliant.

-Why do this? What is the next step, if I leave Punchy behind? Send poor Meeko home to die alone in an empty cabin? Turn Snuggleface over to his twisted daedra overlord? I know better than to act so foolishly, right?

-Do I wind up alone at the bottom of a dungeon hacking my way through wave after wave of zombies?

-No... no.That is not what I want. Enough of this mindless bandit killing. Let’s check the quest journal... Grelod the Kind, I think it’s time we have a little talk.

-Grelod is a heartless child abuser who was brought to my attention by a kid praying to a pile of bones. Not the most trustworthy reference I’ve ever seen but this might help me get out of this rut.

-Welcome to Riften, any hope that you have will be confiscated upon entering the city.

-Grelod runs an orphanage? Hmmm, maybe this whole thing is a misunderstanding? I mean, orphanages aren’t the happiest of places.

-Of course I’m going to enter the orphanage in stealth mode, I may be merciful but I’m not stupid. In theory.

-”No one wants you! No one will EVER want you! That is WHY you are here!” - Grelod the Kind speaking to a room full of orphans.

-Grelod, would you mind if we had a few words in your office? In private please.

-Ah, thank you. Now that we are behind a door, away from tiny easily scarred eyes I just need to say a few things. Please, sit down.

-If I had run into you last week right now I would be speaking to your assistant, trying to figure out why it is you abuse these kids, maybe I would see if you could be helped and in turn, assure that you would treat these kids better.

-But here we are, with you telling me that you do not fear me and I can respect that *Thwomp*, because you didn’t scare me either.

-I may not be certain of who I am, but I am certain of who you were.

-Easy choices are for suckers and thinking about hard choices is for suckers with too much time on their hands.

-I’m not sure that was the right thing to do, but at the very least I didn’t buckle under the weight of the decision.

-Besides, once the assistant at the orphanage stops screaming I’m sure she will do a fine job looking after these kids.

-After all, she has seen what will happen to her if she doesn’t.

(If you have a moment, please "like" us on Facebook! Thank you! http://www.facebook.com/HowToProtectYourKneesASkyrimBlog)

Justice... I think?

Screen Caps and Numbers: Vol 5

As always Friday is an abbreviated blog entry, just a few screenshots, my current build and skill levels. The blog will return on Monday with new (and disturbing) adventures. Have a festive weekend.

Horse vs. Giant Spider, even in Skyrim this is a rare sight.

Found this note in a tower filled with dead Riften guards. I suppose the reinforcements never arrived.

Apparently at some point I attacked the sun. I don't recall this.

Just a lizard-man and his dog taking in the beauty of the skyline.

Oh I'm just cleaning my yard, of course I need to sweep around THIS UNEXPLAINED GIANT DEAD SPIDER.
-----------------------------------------------

ALL THE NUMBERS!

Level - 44
----------------------
Current Build: http://skyrimcalculator.com/#102758
[Currently I have one point saved for when Archery hits 100]
-----------------------
Skills:
Alchemy - 52
Illusion - 44
Conjuration - 36
Destruction - 25
Restoration - 48
Alteration - 24
Enchanting - 84
Smithing - 100
Heavy Armor - 37
Block - 35
Two-Handed - 20
One-Handed - 48
Archery - 92
Light Armor - 54
Sneak - 77
Lockpicking - 75
Pickpocketing - 31
Speech - 54

Day Twenty-One in Skyrim: How to Not Save a Life

-Delphine, let’s hear your ideas for sneaking into the Santorum embassy. I’m on board with any plan you have, as long as it doesn’t involve talking animals.

-Crash a party? How very “Robin Hood”, I love it!

-Do I get to wear a suit? I want to be the talk of the spring fashion season.

-Hmm, your plan is at least partially suicidal and is going to rely on a more luck than skill. This plan is so terrible I could have come up with it. I’m in.

-Punchy and I are going to clear out our inventory, then we will be ready to go. I mean, if I’m already going to “break and enter” I might as well steal everything that is not nailed down.

-Where is the general store in this town? Is it behind that dragon? Oooooh, crap.

-What are you doing here?! Aren’t you supposed to fly around a bunch and torment us from the sky first?

-Stupid guards, get of out the way! I can’t get a clean shot on him with you guys flailing about!

-Also seeing you on fire is sorta distracting.

-There we go! Go and fly! Just go a few feet to your left and we can do this outside the city gates.... oooorrr you could just land in the exact same spot. DAMN IT!

-Fine, let’s end this quick, I’ve been saving this “highly potent” poison for sometime, one shot with this potion, which I like to imagine is actually vibrating with the raw power of evil, and I’ll be the savior of Riverwood!

-Poison applied, arrow back.... and.. DAMN IT, I missed.. I was sure I had him, bugger moved just enough to dodge me.

-No time to dwell, these people are still in mid-peril.

-The guards are actually doing a pretty decent job here, they have this beast surrounded and... Sigrid?! Get back in your damn house! No!

-*Thwomp* No! *thwomp* I had this fight *thwomp* I HAD THIS UNDER CONTROL! *Thwomp* No one was suppose to die! *thwomp*

-Not that it changes anything for you Alvor, but the dragon that killed your wife is dead.

-God damn it, I HAD THE DAMN SHOT... and I missed and now an innocent villager is dead.

-I know this shouldn’t matter, it was just one stupid NPC but... well, I needed to be a “the hero” tonight and I dropped the ball.

-I guess these things bleed over, real life to game and vice versa. I figured I would I be able to shake off a small bout of lost confidence I had gathered up in the real world in this virtual one. But now, I’m someone who has lost a touch of confidence in both.

-No time for parties here, I need to find a bandit camp and decimate it. Maybe I’ll find that what I need deep in the torso of a thief.

The villagers and my squad assess the damage from the last dragon attack.

Day Twenty in Skyrim: Here to Relive our Darkest Moments

-Hey, I’m back. Hope I didn’t miss anything. Did you keep yourself busy by digging me a shallow grave?

-For a priest of Mara you sure know quite a bit about this place. Also, please keep up with the small talk, It distracts me from thinking about how you’re going to try to kill me.

-Also, how does one become a priest of Mara, mail away certificate? Winning a raffle? Is being a priest of Mara like having a degree from the University of Phoenix? Just curious.

-So you know EXACTLY what kind of curse is blocking our path? Ok, I’ve had enough of this. *draws bow and takes a step back* Either you’re going to spill the truth or I’m going to ... uh.. spill... you? Look, I’m not good at intimidation but you get the point.

-So this is all about Redemption? Why didn’t you say so! I’m a sucker for a tormented soul trying to undue a lifetime of mistakes.

-Of course that has nothing at all to do with my own personal history, everything I’ve ever done was brilliant. That’s why I’m separated from my friends at the bottom of a cursed temple, drinking a potion that might kill me, alone... with you.

-Ok, down the potion, travel through time, find the lever and break the curse. *sigh* Yep, all I do is make great choices.

-Ooooh, this is so not good, how did I manage to travel back in time to when this place was actually worse?

-Excuse me? EXCUSE ME! Could someone help me find this lever? I... wait, you’re on fire. Excuse me, sir? Could you... I’m sorry, I didn’t notice that arrow in your torso, clearly this is a bad time for you.

-Found it! Now to pull the lever and... AHH! How did you get here Erandur! Don’t sneak up on me like that!

-The curse is broken! I’ll be damned, turns out you were telling the truth.

-Hey, I know you guys, I saw you centuries into the past five minutes ago.

-Whoa, Let’s just all stay calm, let’s not get wrapped up in who betrayed whom and *thwomp* who shot whom in the face. LIGHT THEM UP ERANDUR!

-My GOD you are a wrecking ball! You killed that one guy with lightning AND fire! I’m impressed.

-I know they were your friends once, but they didn’t exactly give you much choice. Of course as someone already riddled with regret what just happened can not have possibly helped your situation.

-If it helps, I hear the ladies love a man with a tortured soul. Again, no personal experience with this. None. At. All.

-Go do that ritual you need to do. I can’t believe I’m saying this but, I got your back.

-A Disembodied voice?! Really?! You can’t even bother to possess a dog or something? And yet you expect me to obey you and kill this man? No deal!

-Listen, I need to get back topside but... you’re okay in my book. If... if something ever happens to Punchy, I’ll take you up on that offer to join me.

-May we never meet again.

-This game needs an *offer a sincere handshake* menu option.

An honest man, doing honest work, apparently.

Day Nineteen in Skyrim: Beast-Mode

-I have decided this evening will be sponsored by Red Bull energy drink, helping people do reckless things faster since 1987.

-Welcome to lovely Dawnstar, our major exports are insomnia and the prayers for the warm embrace of death.

-If I was an evil wizard crushing the hopes and dreams of a village, where in the village would I hide?

-The Jord’s court? Nah, too obvious. The farm? Nope, too stupid. The Tavern? There we go.

-Let’s see who we have here... drunk, drunk, innkeeper, drunk and creepy dark elf with a tattered robe and blood red eyes. Punchy, I think we have a winner.

-Erandur, I’m not here because I need a quest, I’m here because in high school you were voted “Most likely to torment the dreams of an innocent village.”

-Do I trust you? How could I? Have you looked in a mirror recently? Voldemort has a more trustworthy face and he doesn’t even have a nose.

-Fine, if saying “I trust you” gets you away from all these witnesses, then sure, I “trust” you.

-Oh, you’re ready to go? You don’t need to get a dagger to drive into my back? Fine, we’re ready too.

-Why don’t you walk faster! Also, why is my can of energy already empty! ALSO WALK FASTER!

-Wait, we have to go to an abandoned evil temple for your quest? Hahaha, are you serious?! You’re not even pretending my life is safe anymore, are you.

-Punchy, I need you to do something in about ten minutes, *glancing over at Erandur* avenge my inevitable betrayal.

-Three trolls guard the door to the temple, Meeko and Snuggleface lead the charge as Punchy summons Reginald the Damned, but his aid is not needed; Erandur is more than a match for the trolls. To put it simply, they have brought knives to a gun fight.

-My god how I wish I could trust you, Erandur, because that was quite the lightshow you put on. Well, in we go... after you sir.

-Wait, wait, wait... my companions can’t come in here with me?! *sigh*, one second, I need to go outside and remind them to wait for me.

-So guys, I... DRAGON?! WHERE DID THIS COME FROM!?

-Did you try to sneak up on my squad?! Did you think you were being SUBTLE?!

-LOOK *HACK* AT ALL *SLASH* MY *HACK* SUBTLETY!

-MEEKO! STOP BEING ON FIRE AND BITE THIS THING!

-You picked the wrong time lizard, I have a dark elf who is actively measuring me for a coffin, I’m out of caffeine! AND THESE DAMN DOGS NEVER STOP BARKING!

-You’re not so tough when I’m riding your skull and hacking at your brain now are you?! *HACK* ARE YOU!?

-*HACK* Still think it was a good idea to ambush my squad?! *HACK* DO YOU?!

-I AM YOUR APOCALYPSE! *HACK* HAHAHAHAHA!

-It’s already dead?! NOOOO! What am I suppose to do with all this excess rage?!

-I’M SO FIRED UP RIGHT NOW! I need to do something manly like drink whiskey or fix a car engine!

-I leave you guys alone for thirty seconds and THIS HAPPENS?! See! This is why we can’t have nice things!

-Listen, I need to go back inside and get ambushed. While I’m gone try not to do anything crazy like, I don’t know, pick a fight with a dragon.

-This game needs a *Glare at your squad* menu option.

Nothing I ever do in my life will be as awesome as this.

Screen Caps and Numbers: Vol 4

As usual, on Friday, I post a few of the more interesting screenshots of my adventure through Skyrim and (BRACE YOURSELVES) my current skill levels and perk trees. The blog will return with a regular post on Monday. Have a lovely and festive weekend!

I've run into a number of creepy children in Skyrim and this one must be their king.

So many awesome sights, when you take a second, stop killing everything, and look around (this is also practical life advice).

Poor Punchy, she has survived so many battles, but she is a victim of my poor fashion sense.

When will people learn the office is neither the time nor the place for yoga.

If this look doesn't say, "Holy crap! YOU ARE THE DRAGONBORN!" I don't know what does.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALL THE NUMBERS!

Level - 41
----------------------
Current Build: http://skyrimcalculator.com/#99879
[Currently I have three points saved... mostly because I keep flip-flopping on if I want to spend them on light armor or Resto, LIFE CHOICES ARE SO HARD]
-----------------------
Skills:
Alchemy - 52
Illusion - 19
Conjuration - 36
Destruction - 25
Restoration - 47
Alteration - 23
Enchanting - 80
Smithing - 100 (!)
Heavy Armor - 36
Block - 34
Two-Handed - 20
One-Handed - 46
Archery - 89
Light Armor - 47
Sneak - 70
Lockpicking - 72
Pickpocketing - 30
Speech - 53

Day Eighteen in Skyrim: Two Goats and a Picnic

-Sleeping Giant Inn, I’m not sure a more ominous name is possible considering the circumstances.

-Ok, everyone ready? We are going to calmly walk up to this massive, and hopefully already filled grave, at which point we will have a lovely picnic.

-The alternate plan is probably less pleasant.

-Oh... my... god. YOU! You’re the dragon that burned down Helgen! Don’t just raise a different dragon from the dead and fly away! WAIT! I’M TALKING TO YOU! COME BACK!

-Punchy! Send out the Reggie! Snuggleface... Snuggleface? Where the hell did you.... YOU STARTED A FIGHT WITH A GIANT?! Could you have picked a worse time?!

-WAIT! Ok, so we need a plan, because right now the two best ones I have are “let’s get eaten”, and “let’s get smashed with a club”.

-Giant first, dragon second! You picked the wrong day to kick my dog you genetic freak! *thwomp*

-Fine, I’m wasting one more arrow on you, it WILL bring you to your knees for seven seconds, if their is a merciful god that will be enough time for Punchy and the dogs to end you.

-WOLVES?! This is neither the time nor the place for this!

-Reggie! How nice of you to show up! Please, break these wolves under your terrifying blade.

-*Drinks trueshot potion, applies highest poison to arrow* prepare to fall from the sky like a misshaped snowflake you winged bastard.

-Arrow back... leading the target.. release....

-Right in the neck! OH MY GOD I’M AMAZING!

-Really! I could take that shot fifty more times and never hit it again!

-The irony of you crash landing directly onto the grave you just rose from is not lost on me.

-Those two goats didn’t even flinch when a dragon skidded to a stop two feet from them! I’ve never seen such an epic goat, much less two.

-No no no! Don’t go airborne again! My god, I would trade every belonging I have for a dragon sized grappling hook.

-You are BEYOND out numbered, from one reptile to another, take my advice, just quit squirming around and I’ll see that your death is dignified.

-Well, other than the dogs trying to chew out your organs. I really can’t do much about that.
-Ladies, gentlemen... dogs. Allow me to bring this battle to an end. *thwomp*

-That tested our steel, eh? But we.. OH CRAP, IS THE GIANT DEAD?! He is? Oh, thank god.
-HA! Who’s awesome?! WE’RE AWESOME!

-This game needs a *Group Hug* option.

-So Delphine, now that you have witnessed the miracle that is me, anything else you need to share?

-I’ve known you all of fifteen minutes and you already have more secrets than Batman, no way in hell this rabbit hole isn’t way deeper.

-Wait... you’ve been waiting for me? You’re my guardian? AND AN ENTIRE SOCIETY EXISTS TO SERVE ME?!

-I... wait... no no, look, I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m not that guy.

-It’s not that I don’t appreciate the thought, but I have Punchy and the dogs here. I guess what I’m saying is I have all the guardians I need right here.

-Sure, we’ll meet you back at Riverwood, but we have few loose ends to tie up first. See you soon.

These goats are so stoic they have been cast in George Lucas' next movie.

Day Seventeen in Skyrim: Delphine the Horn Thief

-DEAR RESIDENCES OF THIS CRYPT! PLEASE GET YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER BEFORE WE ENTER YOUR ROOM. THANK YOU.

-Damn, the one thing sure to slow my squad down, a single trapped floor tile.

-Listen, guys, any chance we can all avoid stepping on this thing? I know some of you have more than two legs but I think we can do this.

-GET OFF THE DAMN FIRE TRAP! ALL OF YOU!

-This is like trying to herd cats! Please! Just stay close to me and if you notice that you’re on fire, DO SOMETHING!

-CONTINUING TO STAND IN THE FIRE IS NOT "SOMETHING"! For crying out loud, Meeko! Please! I’ve seen dinner cook for less time!

-Seriously, I’m never going to get the smell of burning dog hair out of my armor.

-Oh, this is way too many coffins. *sigh*

-Ok, I’m going to take one more step into this room at which point all hell will break loose. Of course I’m referring to myself, so just try to keep up.

-Look at those coffin lids fly! Bring it you undead savages! I have enough arrows, dogs, daedras and nords for all of you!

-Punchy, if it moves and its not a dog or a lizard kill it!

-Don’t even bother getting out of your coffin buddy! *thwomp* or you! *thwomp* YOU EITHER! *thwomp* I CAN DO THIS ALL DAMN DAY BITCHES!

-One left aannndd he is overrun with dogs, guys! Don’t eat that, It can't possibly be healthy.

-Now to claim our prize.... this letter? WHAT?! I came here for a horn not a post-it note!

-Hmm, the letter says if we want the horn we have to meet our “friend” in a rented room in the Riverwood inn. I have to say, that is a pretty suspect sentence if you read it a certain way.

-Yes, hello there, I would like to rent your “special” room... I... uh... have a friend... umm.. meeting me here?

-This game needs a *wink awkwardly at the inn keeper* option.

- Delphine the inn keeper? You're the “friend”, how did..? but you..? You are secretly a bad-ass aren’t you?

-And you have a secret underground base? I think you’re my new hero.

-So the Santorums (read: Thalmors) are behind the re-emergence dragons? I am so relieved my undue hatred for them was totally justified.

-So they are bringing dragons back from the dead in the hopes of social and political gain, huh. A plan so crazy only an evil genius would consider it.

-Or an idiot.

-Wait, wait, wait... you want me to go check on a dragon grave with you? Despite what you just told me? Either you’re a lunatic or a hero. I have a feeling we are going to get along just fine.

-Right, you guys heard the lady, we have a very large grave to refill.

The clean up after a big battle is both difficult and disturbing.

Day Sixteen in Skyrim: A Daedra of My Own

-Across rivers, over mountains and through bandit camps. Once again we stand at a long forgotten gate that is awaiting our arrival. Come on Punchy, the abyss calls our names once more.

-Ok, these places are starting to get a bit more disturbing, so we need to take some precautions. Punchy, take this fancy daedra summoning wand and this other wand that summons fire. I don’t care if only a snapping turtle tries to ambush us, you hit with both barrels, got it?

-And that goes double if it starts talking.

-Meeko and Snuggleface? I... I suppose you two should go on being dogs? I’m really unsure of what advice to give you guys.

-As for me, well I’m pretty glorious and perfect and despite that I just spent two thousand gold on improved arrows, loading my quiver with them as we speak.

-The graybeards said we should be able to find the Horn of Jurgen Windcaller somewhere in this crypt. I’m going to guess it’s not hanging on a hook near the door.

-What did we wander into?...necromancers, mages, zombies, spiders all in mid-battle. HEY! Watch where you throw those fireballs, Mister! I have half a mind to... wait, you’re getting eaten by a spider, nevermind.

-Let’s just take this nice and slow and see if we can creep past all this chaos and let these jokers kill each other.

-This would be way easier if you two STOPPED BARKING! My god, It sounds like I have Chihuahuas strapped to my head.

-Well now they see us, are you two happy now?! That’s it, tonight you’re sleeping outside!

-You know what would be very wrong of me, Mister Necromancer? If I hit you with a paralyzing arrow and left you alone with that zombie.

-*thwomp* Wow, I am WAY more evil than I anticipated.

-Is a necromancer being eaten by a zombie ironic? I’m not sure.

-No no, keep trying to sneak up on me you undead punks, I have two dogs circling me like I’m the sun, no way you’re getting past them without a few teeth marks.

-Look at Punchy’s summoned daedra go! He’s like a bull in a zombie shop.

-AND he talks crazy soul-breaking smack?! Oh this is beyond perfect.

-He is also a very snappy dresser; nothing says fashion like armor crafted from the bones and souls of the wicked.

-You need a name, something fancy yet terrifying.Hmm...

-Reginald the Damned! *giggling and happy clapping*

-Why hello evil mages! I see you’re having a hard time with those zombies. I hate to be the one to tell you, but your day is about to get much, MUCH worse.

-Oh... wow, I’ve never seen a man held down by dogs while a daedra runs him through, and now I’ve seen it twice in thirty seconds.

-I feel like I should be selling tickets to this. The most impressively disturbing show on earth!

**To be continued**

Punchy the Unbroken, ready for anything

Day Fifteen in Skyrim: The Champion of Kites (Part 2 of 2)

-Hmm, and here I was thinking the basement door was creepy. What's behind it is at least several times worse.

-I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a cage and an altar so close together.

-[If you were expecting a joke involving alter boys and the catholic church you are a bad person and should feel badly! Jeez, some people.]

-A Rusty mace, that's my prize? I guess I'll pick it up... I’M IN THE CAGE! What? HOW?!

-Well now that you have my attention house, please tell me how I can negotiate my release before my claustrophobia kicks into high gear.

-In relation to my previous thought, PLEASE SPEAK QUICKLY.

-Fine, you want me to find some other evil guy so you can kill him with all your evil? Sure! Sounds great! JUST OPEN THE CAGE!

-letmeoutletmeoutLETMEOUT!

-There we go, another dangerous situation escaped with my dignity intact.

-Sure, I’ll go find your guy. Normally I don’t help possessed housing-structures kill people, but for you I’m willing to make an exception.

-*One cavern and many dead Forsworns later*

-Well you were a pain to find, sir. I have good news and I have bad. The good news is I’m here to rescue you, the bad news will be communicated to you at a later time.

-Heading back to Markrath are you? Lovely, this will make your untimely death all the easier. Did I say death? I meant.. um, party. This will make your untimely party all the easier.
-This game needs an *attempt sincere smile* menu option.

-Ok house, here is your evil priest. Give me things!

-Wait, now I need to kill him? Damn it, I thought you were going to do the dirty work! You are even less trustworthy than that ghost elk.

-I feel like I've failed some sort of morality test, damn my poor lizard upbringing!

-Well that was way more messy than I would have cared for, but on the plus side I'm out of that cage and I now have a mace the size of a child.

-However, I'm not entirely sure it was worth this stain on my reptile soul.

It be the size of the child but it has enough evil for an adult or ten.

Day Fifteen in Skyrim: The Champion of Kites (Part 1 of 2)

-As someone who was recently hauled off to prison in this very town I’m very interested in helping you break into this house.

-Oh! I’ve seen you guys on the roads, you’re Daedra hunters, champions of.. something? light? kites? Yeah, I only skimmed your brochure.

-So you’re concerned Daedra worship is occurring behind this door? Let me level with you. I don’t need a reason to pick this lock. But it was sweet of you to offer.

-This place is fully furnished! potions! cloths! tableware! I’m sure the Daedra won’t mind if I grab a few things.

-And the basement is furnished as well? This place is quite the find! I mean, I hate this town, but if people can learn to live in New Jersey I’m sure I could learn to live in Markrath.

-I was enjoying this house right up until this creepy basement door.

-Why should I open it?! This was your idea Mr. "I'm champion of the kites"!

-The door is locked and... why are these baskets attacking me?!

-Punchy, did everything just sound orange to you?

-Also, I remember gravity being more consistent.

-I NO LONGER WISH TO PARTAKE IN YOUR HOUSE TOUR!

-The front door is also locked?! Aaannnddd now the house is talking to me. *sigh*

-You know what I miss the most? Conversations with people.

-Also, why don't disembodied voices ever have anything nice to say, like "That is a lovely shirt you're wearing.", or "My goodness, that is a handsome face you have there!", it's always "Kill this!", and "Kill that!", I'm telling you Punchy, the art of conversation is dying.

-Dear house, why do you want me to kill this man? Although I detest being hit with baskets I refuse to kill what's-his-name over there.

-Okay, listen I bet we can wait this house out, I won’t kill you and YOU'RE HITTING MY WONDERFUL FACE!

-If we kill each other the only winner will be the house! Also, I really wish that sentence made less sense.

-What? You’re going to listen to a house? AN EVIL HOUSE?! WHO DOES THAT?! Fine! I don’t even care anymore *SLASH*

-So I get something for killing that guy? I... I don’t know if I can trust you house. On the other hand, I do like getting things. Fine, I'll open the basement door and claim my prize.

-As disembodied laughs go that one was pretty sinister.

***CONTINUED ON MONDAY***

Just your typical altar to evil.

Day Fourteen in Skyrim: A Serious Drinking Problem

-They said I was mad when I made two hundred iron daggers and, well, they had a point. But now I can make glass armor and weapons. Hoorah!

-What better way to celebrate the creation of skull-splitting weapons than with beer.

-Whiterun has the best taverns, oh look Punchy, that is where we met! Seems like just yesterday you were drunkenly hitting my face for money. *sigh* Good times.

-A drinking contest with a creepy stranger? I’d be a fool not to accept.

-Three drinks? That’s all? Pfft! I can do that balanced on one leg and a tail. Why am I blacking out? I’m too ruggedly handsome for this to happen! Noooooo!

-Why am I back in Markarth? Oh god, I died and went to hell didn’t I?

-Whoa there, slow down lady, so I trashed your temple, *clears throat*, fondled your statues, blasphemed your god and threatened to marry a goat? Well, that does sound like me.

-Ok, ok, need to piece this together, now where would drunk me go? A humble farming community!

-Sir, I assure you I didn’t marry your goat, I mean, steal your goat. Whatever the case may be I didn’t steal your goat and try to marry her... it, him?

-Anyway, last night, while wildly drunk and not stealing your goat, did I happen to mention what I was going to do with the goat I didn’t steal?

-I sold the goat to a giant? I stole a goat for holy wedlock and then sold it to a giant? What kind of crazy drunk bastard am I?!

-Just calm down! We’ll find my wife and your goat, with any luck those are two separate things.

-Punchy! Where were you when all this was happening?! What kind of wingman are you?

-Normally I would have a plan, a brilliant, simple, efficient plan... oh who am I kidding? ARROWS AWAY!

-Hey there town guard, oh don’t mind me, I’m just taking my Nord, two dogs and my goat-wife for an evening stroll. Lovely evening for it I say.

-Here is your goat, now please tell me something, anything, that passes for good news!

-My possible-maybe-wife is in Whiterun? So I didn’t marry this goat? WOO-HOO!

-Ysolda! You’re a person! Please tell me we’re married! Hmm, I’m starting to see some flaws in my pickup line.

-What do you mean you sold me a wedding ring? I was drunk and rambling about goats! You know who was irresponsible? You!

-Ok, fine, I’ll get the ring back. Unless my wife is hot... and some sorta biped. In that case, I’m keeping the ring and the wife.

-Ysolda said that I should be able to find the ring in the Witchmist Grove, maybe my wife lives in a rustic cabin, I have a good feeling about this!

-What the... The only thing here is a Hagraven, I wouldn’t... I mean, I couldn’t... Oh god. OH FRIGGIN GOD! THIS IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER DONE!

-Listen, Moira is it? Listen, I think we’ve had a massive misunderstand. I may have said some things the other night, crazy things. Things like, “I want to marry you even though you are a Hagraven and seeing you makes me want to run so fast I leave my skin behind.”, I guess what I’m saying is, the wedding is off.

-Look, I’m sorry. This never would have worked. I’m a lizard and you’re the embodiment of children’s nightmares.

-So violence is your answer? Very well, Consider this a divorce. *thwomp*

-Prying an engagement ring off a dead Hagraven. Wow, I am really living wrong.

-All things considered I would have been better off with a goat-wife.

-Ysolda, claims I was going to get married in Morvunskar, the place sounds like it’s a Russian dessert.

-Sam! You crazy bastard, do you even begin to understand how bad you messed up my life?! I almost married a farm animal! AND THAT IS NOT EVEN THE WORST PART OF THE STORY!

-And another thing! You... are actually a Daedra?! Actually this explains quite a bit.

-A massive wand with a rose that summons other Daedra? Was this on my wedding gift registry? I mean, I would have been happy with a blender.

Sam has a bigger problem than alcoholism.

Day Thirteen in Skyrim: Meeko

-I’ve become so side tracked I don’t even remember what the point of this game was.

-Right, let’s check the old quest journal here, what to do, what to do... Greybeards!

-A dog alone on the road? That hardly seems safe. Come back here! Stupid dog. I’m trying to help!

-He led me to a cabin? Does he own the place? Who gave a dog a mortgage?

-Your owner died? Oh poor Meeko, I just can’t leave you alone out here. I need to give you a home. No dog should suffer. You can come with us pup.

-My god, I’m the Sarah McLachlan of Skyrim.

-Two dogs? This is allowed? I’m a walking animal shelter. Why is the game okay with this?

-Hey a cat person! You’re trying to sell me drugs? Wait, wait, wait... a talking cat is trying to sell a lizard with two dogs and a women drugs? Buddy, I hardly think any of us need mind altering drugs at the moment.

-I reeeaaaalllly would not attack me right now Mr. Drug Dealing Cat. I’m flanked by dogs. You’re a cat. I mean we are talking about very basic laws of nature here.

-Wow! They ate him so fast! That was amazing! It was like I shot dogs at him! Like some sort of primitive and poorly designed weapon.

-The only downside is the endless barking. I swear you two are trying to have a conversation, which reminds me, would you two PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP FOR TWO GODDAMN MINUTES!

-Seven thousand steps up to the Graybeards? This must be an exaggeration.

-OH GOD THE STEPS, why can’t I ride one of you worthless dogs?! Why do I have dogs and not horses!? WHY HAVE I CHOSEN SO POORLY!?

-Funny, I don’t recall having vertigo at the start of this climb.

-Bet you don’t get many visitors up here Akatosh, unless you count bears and hypothermia.

-Anyway, Hello Akatosh, let me introduce my little party. This is Punchy, she's a Nord with a penchant for violence and a mysterious past. Snuggleface over here is a talking dog, he might actually be a demon or something, I’m still not clear on his story, OH! Also, he speaks directly to my mind so no one else can hear him but me. This little fella here is Meeko, his last owner died alone in the woods. I don’t think he talks, but the night is still young.

-My name is Dragonface Jones, I’m a sentient bipedal lizard with no formal education. I happen to have a gift for shouting at things. It’s very nice to meet you.

-Huh, never thought NPC’s could look nervous.

-Wait, you want me to shout at him? or the floor? You're going to have to speak up, I can’t hear what your saying over THESE BLASTED DOGS. Excuse me a second, would you?

-FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I WILL TURN THIS CAR RIGHT AROUND! Just give me two GODDAMN minutes of peace and quiet so I can find out what this old man wants me to shout at!

-There, sorry about that. You want me to shout at him? Why? This sounds fetishy to me. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this.

-You need me to find a Horn? I’m guessing it’s not in the next room, I mean if it is I’ll get it right now.... wait, no, it’s on a different mountain? *sigh*

-I really should have expected that. Come on pups, our journey takes us elsewhere.

Meeko's last owner was less successful at adventuring than I.

Day Twelve: A Simple Plan

-I remember when I could look at my entire quest journal without using the scroll bar.

-Right, we need to start doubling up on these things, lets see.. lets see.... AH! Here we go! A dragon and a giant, both need to be killed and both are in basically the same location, what convenience!

-Oooh, I just had the most glorious idea! Punchy, just hear me out, wait, don’t give me that look!

-I’ll peg the dragon with an arrow and then run through the giant camp and let them fight it out! It’s as simple as hitting a hornets nest and running past my mother-in-law.

-[Dear Mother-in-law, on the off chance that you are reading this please understand that I am not referring to you, but to another woman who I have taken to calling “mother-in-law”, I can understand your confusion and I hope this does not result in any hard feelings. Thank you.]

-Okay... okay, arrow back... make sure the giant is really close.... focus on dragon aaannddd arrow flies.

-Tagged him! Now the easy part, running past an angry fifteen foot tall man with a club the size of a pony.

-Why does this plan seem less brilliant than it did before I fired the arrow?

-Ha! Made it! and now the dragon and the giant are battling it out!

-Hahaha! and now a Mammoth joined in! and a wolf?! Oh he is so doomed! Hahaha!

-And... another mammoth! Hahaha...ha? and another giant? Wait... and a bear?! Where the hell did the bear come from? WE AREN’T IN A CAVE!

-Oh for crying... AND SOME RANDOM GUY FROM THE ROAD!?

-This isn’t my plan! This is a pay per view event! DAMN IT!

-Punchy, did you just roll your eyes at me?

-Well, as long as the dragon can hold it’s own we are fine, no reason to panic...wait, where did I just absorb that dragon soul from? Oh. God. Damn it.

-RUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!

-OhmygodohmygodOHMYGOD! Why do I see giants everywhere I look?! HOW CAN I BE SURROUNDED BY TWO OF SOMETHING!?

-Wait! Paralyzing arrows! I have those! Wonder if they work on giants? OOOF! MY SPINE!

-I’ve lost Punchy and Snuggleface in the fog of battle. The only proof I have that they are alive is the sounds of them fighting the mammoths but they are out of my field of vision all I can see is the dust kicked into the air from the last swing of the giant’s club. As my life points are being beat out of me I place the paralyzing poison on my arrow, draw it back and aim at the spot where I hope the giant is standing.

-TIMBER! No! *thwomp* You’re *thwomp* not *thwomp* getting *thwomp* back *thwomp* UP!

-Hey! You there! Quit trampling my woman!

-I’ve got more than enough paralyzing arrows to go around! Just hold still and.. OH GOD THE BEAR IS EATING ME!

-AH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!? Bears don’t help mammoths! THIS ISN’T HOW NATURE WORKS!!

-I don’t have time for this! *SLASH* Now if you’ll excuse me I have a Nord to save!

-Come on Punchy, Don’t be dead, don’t be dead, don’t be dead... YOU’RE NOT DEAD! Life would be empty without you! Healing Hands go! You show that mammoth!

-One mammoth left! Just gotta bring him down aaannnddd... my plan was a brilliant success!

-Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to lay down here for a bit.

-Please don’t let me swallow my own tongue.

See! Brilliant!

Screen Caps and Numbers: Vol 3

This might be the last update of this sort. I'm thinking next week I might change the format and make Friday my "nerdy post about gaming in general" post day. Anywho, the blog will return on Monday. Have a festive weekend all.

A perfectly timed kill-shot screencap.

One of those creepy elf-tree-nightmare things, I can't tell you how much these
bother me. Even when dead.

Amazing.

ALL THE NUMBERS!

Level - 35
----------------------
Current Build: http://skyrimcalculator.com/#93730
[Currently I have two points saved for when Archery hits 90]
-----------------------
Skills:
Alchemy - 42
Illusion - 18
Conjuration - 36
Destruction - 24
Restoration - 42
Alteration - 22
Enchanting - 70
Smithing - 81
Heavy Armor - 34
Block - 31
Two-Handed - 20
One-Handed - 43
Archery - 78
Light Armor - 43
Sneak - 59
Lockpicking - 63
Pickpocketing - 30
Speech - 44