Return to Skyrim, Day 12: Remedial Courses

-Welcome to Winterhold, our major exports are insane wizards and completely insane wizards.

-Also all the cold weather, all of it.

-Yes, hello! My dog, my horse, my lady and I are trying to gain entry to your fine city. Any chance you can let us in before we freeze to death in this eternal blizzard?

-You want me to cast fear on this stone floor before you’ll let me in? Seriously? How long have you been out here?

-SHUDDER IN FEAR, STONE GROUND! See? Now can I get in the city? Or do you have a flowerpot thats been giving you trouble?

-Mirebelle, thanks for the welcome. Lovely college you have here. Allow me to cut to the chase, I’m looking for some very old texts and... wait, come back! I don’t need a tour, I need information!

-Stop! I just wanted to... I guess I could attend a class? I, wait, what class is this?! Don’t walk away yet! WHY WON’T YOU STOP MOVING!?

-Alright Punchy, I guess we can take a quick course on spell-casting, I mean, it’s time I learn to kill a man with something other than a pointy stick fired from a curved one.

-Do I know magic? HA! I’ve been across your great lands! I’ve slain giants, dragons and countless bandits! And you ask ME if I know any magic?!

-.... no, not as such.

-Listen, I’ve tried to use fire spells, but I tend to set EVERYTHING on fire, even Punchy and my dog! I’m no expert, but that doesn’t seem right to me.

-Am I familiar with wards? Sure, I... um... have several? In this bag... see?

-... I have no idea what a ward is.

-Listen pal, you may be way more skilled with this whole “magic” thing, but let’s go find an archery range and I’ll show you a thing or two about pointy sticks!

-Also, as a magic teacher you seem friendly but stern, I’m going to call you Dumbledore from now on.

-So, you’re going to lob a spell at me and I’m going to cast this ward.. thingy? Somehow this won’t result with me in flames, yes?

-I’m just saying, I’ve been pelted with more spells than I’d ever care to admit and if you’re telling me I could have easily stopped.. WAIT! NOT READY! HOW DO I MAGIC?!

-I’ll be a son of a... the ward stopped the spell! THE WARD STOPPED THE SPELL! I LOVE YOU, DUMBLEDORE!

-Class dismissed?! Wait! This was the most informative five minutes of my life! Come back!

-Why didn’t anyone tell me I could learn magic in college!?

-Oh well, guess we can start looking around for a library or something.

The cat person to my left was voted "Most likely to burn down a village" after graduation.

Return to Skyrim, Day 11: Tuesdays with Arngeir

- I have no idea what I was doing. I’ll just check my quest journal... *opens journal and sees dozens of incomplete quest markers*. Hmm, that proved less helpful than hoped.

-Screw it, I’m just going to talk to Arngeir.

-Hey, how’s my favorite creepy old recluse?

-The Blades are under some nutty impression that you might know a shout that would bring Alduin to his knees, crazy right? I mean, you would have TOLD me about that right? RIGHT?!

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON’T TELL ME?! I know things might seem all  honky doorie on top of “Mount Elderly,” but down there the world is coming to an end! God knows why but those idiots seem to think I can slam the breaks on the apocalypse, so either you tell me what I need to know or this giant creepy castle is going on the market under the heading of, “Lovely properly, great view, only one massacre on premises”!

-Look, I get it, maybe I can’t stop Aldiun even with Dragonrend but, damn it, give me the chance to die a confused death at the claws of a dragon evil enough to eat a world. I’m asking for little more than a basic human right.

-Why didn’t you say you don’t know Dragonrend in the first place?! Do you at least know someone who does? God, I can’t believe this, I’m asking for a referral for a quest. I feel like this is some kind of HMO program.

-Paarthawhat-a-who? That... that is one hell of a name. Sounds Argonian actually! How exciting! Maybe we can bond over how much we hate you!

- Where is he? Also, should I bring a gift? Like a cake or something? I think the only food I have on me is this bag of uncooked clam meat.

-Of course he’s at the top of the mountain, nothing I enjoy more than navigating narrow mountain trails in the middle of a blizzard.

-Well, this must be the place, but all I see here is a couple of goats. Actually wait... is one of the goats Paartha-whata? I mean, considering everything else that’s happened it really would not be all that shocking.

-Wait, that’s crazy, why would the leader of these old men be a goat that lives on a mountain?, Then again, why did I have a talking dog as a squad member for months....

-Oh, I miss Snuggleface.

-...what’s that noise? A dragon?! Up here?! I don’t know how you got to the altitude buddy but you’re about to take the express back to the ground floor! *Draws back an arrow*

-I’ll. BE. DAMNED. A talking dragon!? Paarthurnax!

-I’m a talking lizard too! We should be best friends! Do you have a pet dog also? Or is it just you and the goats up here?

-Right, this is a business trip. So, those petty-mortals in that run down castle said you might be able to help... and now that I see you with my own eyes, this question might seem a bit threatening... but any chance you can teach me to kill an ancient dragon by yelling at him?

-”Arngier the Grump” asked me the same question.. why do I want to save the world. I’m not sure I have a good answer, 80% of the people down there are bandits and 19% of them wouldn’t be able to fend off a low hanging branch, but... but there are a few, a few worth all this trouble.

-Besides, I’m the Dragonborn, it’s part of the job description. See, it says it right here, “Save the world, be handsome while doing so.”

-The elder scrolls hold the answers? Fair enough, I’ll find them. Thank you for the information AND for not eating me.

-Alright Arngier, we’ll be on our way. But before we go, I just wanted to say, even for a hermit you’re difficult.

-Also, why didn’t you tell me your leader was a dragon?! You and your weird quiet friends stood around and told me the entire boring history of your little club for like, ten hours, but never once did you mention the dragon you have in your backyard? Really?!

-You could learn a bit from me about storytelling and archery... and how to be smooth with Nordic ladies.

-Alright Punchy, according to my trusty map our next stop is the college of Winterhold. Maybe while we’re there I can take a few classes and finish up my liberal arts degree. After all, I may not always be able to get by with looks alone.

-Oh who am I kidding, I’ll always be adorable.

Paarthurnax wants to know why you don't visit more often and would it kill you to call once in awhile?

Return to Skyrim, Day 10: Evil and Other Miscalculations

-You know what I haven’t done yet? A single truly evil deed.

-I mean, I’m like some kind of scaley boy scout. I should do something evil... I SHOULD MURDER AN ENTIRE TOWN!

-Wait, no. That’s too evil. I SHOULD TORMENT THIS GOAT! Hmm, no... not evil enough.

-Maybe I should just steal something? There we go, that seems just wrong enough!

-Ooooh, I should totally steal the statue of Dibella, some crazy begger told me I should do it and if you can’t trust people muttering to themselves who can you trust?

-I really need to re-consider my policy of accepting quests from everyone, even the insane and rambling.

-Ok, so this should be easy enough, just sneak around, take the statue and go. Also, I’m sure most thieves bring their wife and dog along on the job. I don’t see how they could possibly be a hindrance.

-Ok, we’re in. Listen, let’s keep our heads down and barking to an absolute minimum. So help me Meeko, if I catch you barking at NOTHING AT ALL, I will leave you at the first dog pound I find!

-Geez, this place is packed with followers... gotta keep my head down... move like a shadow.. BE the shadow...

-I can see the statue! My god being evil is fun! Why wasn’t I informed of the joys of evil before this? Punchy, why didn’t you... wait, you’re not Punchy! DAMN IT!

-What was I doing here? Well.. I, um, you see.. I was LOOKING FOR MY DOG! Bad Meeko! BAD! Don’t ever run off like that again! Now that I have my dog I’ll just be... not going anywhere.

-Listen, can we avoid involving the local guards? If I’ve learned nothing else from my time in Skyrim, no matter how righteous you may seem you need someone, somewhere dead. I’m sure we can come to some sort of arrangement, if you catch my drift.

-You need a child? WAIT, alive right?! I mean I’m all for making a deal here, but I have zero problem with hacking my way out of this building if I need too.

-Oh.. alive, ok then. I guess that’s fine, is she going to come along willingly or are you asking me to kidnap a child? Because again, my original plan was a murderous rampage and THAT PLAN IS STILL UNDER CONSIDERATION.

-Oh, willingly... Fine, I guess I’ll just walk out of here... I didn’t want to rampage anyway... *kicks a rock*

-This should be easy enough, I just need to go to the local village and ask some poor farmer to hand over his daughter... to a bipedal lizard. Yep, pretty sure that should go smoothly.

-*knocks on door* Yeah, hi! So, how are you doing? So listen, some crazy women that live in a temple think it would be great if your daughter came with me to go live in said crazy temple. Sounds great, right?!

-Kidnapped? By someone else?! Mister, you have one popular daughter. Any idea where she is?

-Forsworn you say? Do I have experience with them? Yeah, you could say that.

-Can I find her? I don't know what they want. If they are looking for a ransom, I can tell you I don't have much gold. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, some of them are even at 100.  Skills I have acquired over a very long play session. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like them. If they let your daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for them, I will not pursue them... 

-But if they don't, I will look for them, I will find them, and I will kill them.

-PUNCHY, HIGH FIVE! Man, I’ve been WAITING TO GIVE THAT SPEECH FOREVER! I can’t believe I finally found an appropriate time and place!

*One quick journey to a Forsworn hideout later...*

-Attention Forsworn! I am out of witty movie quotes but I do have an abundance of arrows!

-Hey you, where’s the girl? Fine, don’t want to talk...*thwomp*. You! Over there! Where’s the girl? *thwomp* Hey! I need a straight answer from someone, you there, buddy, WHERE IS THE GIRL?! DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID ABOUT HAVING ARROWS?! *Thwomp*

-You sir look a bit fancier than the general forsworn member. I bet you know where the girl is. *thwomp* DAMN MY MURDEROUS REFLEX!

-Oh thank god, she’s here, tucked away in this closet!

-Hey little girl, listen, I know I don’t look the part but I assure you I’m one of the good guys. Now I need you to come with me and try not to look around too much....

-*The girl looks around and sees one of the dead forsworn and begins to scream*

-Damn it! I need you to just follow and... yeah, that guy is dead too... please, the screaming isn’t necessary! Wait! Don’t look over there! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT TO FIND PILED UP BEHIND THAT TABLE?!

-Sir, I’ve found your daughter. She is alive and well... do...do you want me to tell the sisters of Dibella that I found her?

-I mean, moving to the temple seems like it would be a permanent thing. Right now no one but you and my team know she is alive, we could just say she screamed herself to death and she could stay here with you.

-You think she will have a better life in the temple? I... suppose. As you wish.

-Sisters of Dibella, I came here to steal a statue so I could roll around in a big pile of evil deeds and instead I wound up delivering to you an innocent child.

-...To be honest I’m not entirely sure stealing her away from her family to live in a temple filled with fanatics was the best choice.

-Punchy, the next time I start talking about the glories of being evil, remind me of how I feel right now...

Praying to Dibella for the self control to never listen to Dibella again.

Detour to Rapture, Part 3: Dr. Much Worse Than Horrible

<Dragonface>
Have a festive Thanksgiving!
</Dragonface>
 ---------------------------------
 <Sharlene>

-Look nurse lady, I’m pretty sure you need a permit for that chainsaw.

-This is the worst medical pavilion I have ever seen!

-THERE IS NO MEDICINE HERE

-I have no more room for first aid...HOW DO I USE THE FIRST AID?!

-Everyone's whining about looking pretty, I’m pretty sure that all of Rapture is built on people with low self esteem.

-"MAKE ME LOOK PRETTY!!!!" ...maybe these bullets will help?

-I’m enjoying all the cockney accents here, it almost makes up for the absolute terror of walking through here.

-”Why do we have two eyes?” Last I checked, we need binocular cues for depth percept..oh AAAHHH!!

-WHY ARE YOU EXPLODY?

-Eternal flame?  AAHH ROASTY BODIES WHY

-Issss this buuurning an enternal flaaaaaaame!

-HEY! more Kool-aid!

-That’s a spicy-meat-a-ball!

-people oh gods! AAAHHH FIRE EVERYWHERE WHATS GOING ON!?! oh that was me...

 -I had blood on my hands but it burned off, hooray?

-”Parasites will not be tolerated” I didn’t know that Mitt Romney was in Rapture.

-HOW DO I GET TO SURGERY?!

-...But I hate the dentist.

-GAAAHH DARKNESS!!

-THIS IS NOT OK!!

-Oh, ok light now, much better.

-But I don’t want my telekinesis, I WANT MY LIGHTNING!!

-Why? Because Storm is cooler than Jean Grey!

-YOU PEOPLE ALL HAVE ISSUES WITH YOUR FACE ITS WORSE THAN THAT EPISODE OF THE TWILIGHT ZONE

-Too..symmetrical?  I mean what? That’s the definition of beauty OH GOD HES COMING FOR ME!!

-HOW DO I GUN?!

-OH GOD THAT WAS FIRE!

-I’m sorry Dr. Horrible dude man thing, but I need something in your guts.

-OMG PEOPLE EVERYWHERE WHY?!

-creepy little girl thing, what do I do with you...

-I think I’ll obey Molotov Cocktease up there, I don’t want her to whip me.

-LOOK ATLAS I DO WHAT I WANT

-OH JESUS I'M BEING DRILLED

-YOU LAZY HACKED TURRETS WHY WON’T YOU HELP ME!!

-I’m being big daddy-ed!

-guess I’ll save you too.

-Can I shoot you after I’ve saved you?..crap! sorry! *quick reload*

-*carefully does not use hyperactive trigger finger*

-Alrighty then, back to the pod apparently...

-GAH GRENADE DUDE WHY

-I’m just gonna run...yea that’s a good idea.

-WHY GRENADES?! Do you know what’s gonna happen if you blow a hole in the wall?

-I don’t think anyone down here is suffering from plasmid sickness, I just think everyone here has the bends and they never treated it...
</Sharlene> 

ObamaCare is way worse than republicans would have us believe

 

Detour to Rapture, Part 2: Incorrect Uses For Kool-aid and Other Mistakes

<Dragonface>
Welcome to the second Bio-Shock entry from Sharlene who is filling in for my total lack of posting about Skryim. Without her help this blog would no longer be able to support itself and would fail. What I'm saying is, Sharlene is my Blog FEMA, or BLEMA if you will.

I know people questioned the value of BLEMA, but I'm certain you will agree with me when I say our $50 million tax dollars are well spent if it means we get to keep the lights on here at "How to Protect Your Knees" a little bit longer.

Till next time...
</Dragonface>
 ---------------------------------------
<Sharlene>
 -I guess I should look around..?

-Doot doot doot AH! oh, its just a flickering light...

-Ooh Kool-aid...*injects it into my arm* WAIT that’s not how you drink Kool-aid!

-DUDE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! HAVE YOU NEVER HAD KOOL-AID BEFORE?!

-For the record squeeze bottles were the best.

-I’d like to imagine that this is exactly what would happen if I injected myself with Kool-aid.

-Why is the joker here, and why is he talking about taking my virginity?

-That’s a big drill *wink*

-That was the worst waterslide ever.

-What in the hell, QUIT TRASH TALKING MY SISTER!

-Why is there a cat down here  OH GOD SORRY I hit a cat...

-So electricity from my fingertips eh?...does NO ONE SEE how this is THE WORST IDEA under WATER?!

-TO HELL WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ATLAS!

-Goddammit fine, I suppose I can help...

-Plasmids ruined everything....Sooooo, WHY DID YOU LET ME DRINK THE PLASMID KOOL-AID?!

-Oh neat a gun!

-FRIGGIN?! WHAT GHOST-O-VISION?! No no no nonono NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!

-I can drink vodka in this game...oh it hurts me? Just like real life.

-Gain health from smoking...Say what now?

-A dark hallway...oh geez, guess where I REALLY don’t want to go....

-COME ON isn’t there ANY OTHER WAY AROUND?!

-...lower the weapon?!...NO DUDE, FRIG THAT NONSENSE!

-This is all like, horror survival 101.

-Hello creepy little girl and big dudeface, *taps shoulder* you wouldn’t happen to know how to get to...OH GOD I”M SORRY I JUST WANTED TO ASK A QUESTION!

-JESUS WHAT WHATS GOING ON OH GOD EVERYONE SEES ME WHHHHYYYY...WHERE DID ALL MY BULLETS GO?!

-The Medical Pavilion?..I hate medical places in horror games.

-Its like “Parasite Eve” all over again, except I can’t make my sister play through the parts where I walk through the morgue.

-Hey hellocopter gun thing, you will be my friend!

-I swear I did not mean to shoot you! These controls are difficult...

-GAH WHY! WHY SO MANY BUNNY MASKS?!

-Let this be a lesson, this is what happens to you if you half-ass being a furry!

-Why are there like 80 nurses and I haven’t seen a single doctor? I have a bone to pick with the medical program here in Rapture.
</Sharlene>

Your looking for the Pavilion? Just take a left at... wait, I mean.. GRRRRRAAAHHHH

Detour to Rapture, Part 1: Opening

<Dragonface>
So Skyrim is like, super huge! And it's taking me a bit of time to work my way through it and every so often Steam has a sale and I buy some damn game for $2 and I get distracted... FORGIVE ME I'M ONLY HUMAN! So first, let me assure you, Dragonface will one day go scale to scale with Alduin, but right now I'm dealing with zombies or ghosts...or whatever the hell it is that is trying to kill me in "Lone Survivor," seriously, I think they are zombies, but their heads wobble all of the place like they are at a Ska concert every time I see them and honestly I'm more confused than afraid.

So in the meantime my friend Sharlene has been nice enough to do a few entries to keep this blog afloat with BioShock fueled comedy. I think this is the part where I would copy and paste a pre-approved Bio (and yes, she has one because she does stand-up comedy here in NY, and has her own comedy website which is currently down for re-tooling) but that seems way too formal. So what should I say about Sharlene?

Well this one time she asked me to help her move and I when I got to her apartment, I swear to god, it looked like a woman had exploded in there. Clothes were everywhere, there was a hair dryer balanced on a TV and a bunch of stuff in a closet that she couldn't pack because they were at the top and she couldn't reach them, how did they get up there in the first place? She had no idea. I mean, when people ask you to help them move you assume they have ALREADY ACTUALLY PACKED, but no, no she hadn't. God, don't even bring up the air conditioner! 

Right, so besides the whole moving thing Sharlene is lovely, trusted and most importantly at this exact moment, very funny.

Without further ado...

Welcome to Rapture.
</Dragonface>

<Sharlene>
In honor of halloween, I’ll be playing Bioshock after having consumed a cup of coffee, which is a lot for me... also I’m bad at shooters and don’t deal well with jumpy things... also I’ve never played Bioshock before.

-OH GOD THE WATER!!!  How in the... am I supposed to do something?  This is a cut scene right?

-FIRE AND WATER JESUS WHY AM I NOT MOVING...oh.

-Hey look, some stairs, in the middle of nowhere...that’s...great.

-It’s like finding the top of the Chrysler building after Sandy.

-I’m a jerk.

-I also feel like LOST started this way.

-DARK DOOR OH JESUS MY HEART (switches to windowed mode for the sake of her safety)

-WHY DID IT CLOSE?! What if I want to grab my luggage?

-...lights? GAH! oh, ok...stairs...hey look its a capsule the size of my Manhattan apartment...

-But I don’t want to pull the lever, what if I just want to sit...WHERE IS THE SIT OPTION DAMMIT?

-Who left this Tony award underwater?

-...AH MUSIC, oh hello dude.

-But I hate being sweaty...

-HEEEEELLLLOOOOOAOAHAHAHAAGGGGH 

-WHAAAAEEELLLLEEEEDGHSEGFJSGOLKBHDYRG...Man I’m great at speaking whale to that whale!

-...so...this city full of lights...underwater...HOW IS EVERYTHING NOT BEING ELECTROCUTED ALL THE TIME?!

-OH JESUS ITS THE SCHOOL NURSE FROM MY NIGHTMARES!!!

-I swear Mrs. Thompson, all of my nosebleeds in 4th grade were legit!!!

-OH GOD WHY! IS THIS GLASS HOOK PROOF!? WHERE IS MY GUN?!

-...probably needed to fish it from the debris OH GOD NOW THE RADIOS GLOWING?! oh wait a minute...

-Hello? This is Dog?

-You want me to WHAT? leave the BUBBLE?! ...no.

-CHRIST WHY!

-TRUST YOU FLOATING VOICE NAMED ATLAS!? BUT I HATE AYN RAND!

-OH GOD, oh, hey a turret thing.

-Wrench? oh I’m Mario now!

-WHY’D YOU THROW A COUCH AT ME?! WHO DOES THAT?!

-Eat wrench! Yea that’s how we do it in mushroom kingdom bitch.
</Sharlene>

Here at Euro-Value Jet we are proud of our 15% spontaneous combustion rate.