Return to Skyrim Day 23: Unpleasent People and Places

-Ok, time to buckle down and stick to the plot. I should take care of the Lexicon quest.  All I need to do is head south and… Oh, look a cave!

-DAMN IT! Oh well, I’m sure there is nothing interesting in the cave anyway. I’ll just go in, kill some bandits and leave. Won’t take more than five minutes….in theory.

-A Dark elf? Huh. What could be more innocent than a Dark Elf just hanging around an unsettling cave? Quite a few things actually.

-Hello? Miss? I couldn’t help but notice your vacant stare and the chasm before you. Anything you want to talk about?

-Medresi Dran, I know you think there is treasure at the bottom of this pit, but let me assure you, you are completely correct.

-HOWEVER… and this is a big “However”, you are clearly an abrasive person and the odds of you becoming a cautionary tale are roughly one hundred percent.

-So you had a team and they all took off when the corpses down there started moving around? Maybe I’m the crazy one, but that seems like a pretty rational response to the problem.

-Oh yes, taking a threatening tone with me is going to work out just great for you. Totally. Lady, have you EVER read a Grimm’s Fairy Tale? People like you don’t make it to the end of story. Like, ever.

-You know what? Not only am I going to clear this pit of undead for you, but I’m also going to leave my trusty Nord here to make sure you remain safe. Yes, just remember, the Nord with the razor sharp blade and hair trigger temper is here for YOUR safety. 

-See, the two of can lie reassuringly to each other!

-Alright, all I need to do it go down these broken stairs, pull two switches and wait for Medresi’s inevitable betrayal. Pretty simple stuff.

-Well this corpse at the top of the steps isn’t exactly a good omen. 

-I bet there are a few zombies waiting for me once I jump down there… wait, I have a brilliant idea!

-I’m going to throw this lifeless body down the stairs to distract the zombies!

-Wow… those are words I never imagined I’d have to say.

-Down you go! Look at that body tumble! It’s like meat Slinky.

-Ha! It worked! That’s it, come closer! Take a good look at that dead body *thwomp* and become one yourself.

-Oh look, a room filled with coffins. I wonder what happens next. *sigh*

-If I ever become king my first act is going to be ensuring that all coffins are nailed shut.

-*pulls lever* well that does it, Medresi. I’ve opened the door! You can betray me now! 

-Wait, where are you going? Don’t run! No, seriously! THESE ROOMS ARE BOOBIE… *Medresi is crushed between a raising platform and spikes on the ceiling** ...trapped.

- *Sigh* You know, I’m starting to figure out why this place was filled with undead.

-On the plus side that was the most hysterical deaths I’ve seen in some time.

-Well, no point in letting that jerk die in vain. Let’s see what all these zombies were guarding.

-A Dragonborn Shout? Down here? That’s unexpected treasure! Wonder which one it is.

-Animal Allegiance? Wait! Animals already talk to me too much! I DON’T WANT THIS! DAMN IT! 

No one looks at Punchy like this and lives to talk about it.