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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Day Twenty-Three in Skyrim: The Last Place You Look

-Confidence still isn’t right. I didn’t find a fix for it in a bandit cave, I didn’t find it buried in the skull of a wicked old women... maybe it’s in the chest cavity of a dragon?

-Well, they always say it’s the last place you look. Come on Punchy, we are in the midst of our greatest quest yet. The quest to get my skull back in working order.

-Hmm, well according to my quest journal we have a dragon that needs slaying perched atop a hard to reach mountain. Yep, nothing says “confidence building” quite like dragon hunting on dangerous cliffs.

-This is starting to feel like one of those self help retreats when you head out to nature to find out who you really are.

-Not far from the peak now, before we start the fight let’s take a second and... watch the dragon fly directly overhead. Damn it.

-Why are mythical creatures so impatient? Fine, we can do this anywhere you want you winged freak.
-Running after a dragon seems counter-intuitive.

-Punchy? Meeko? How did I lose my squad?! Damn you mountainside pathing issues!

-What the heck is he zeroing in on? Wow, something or someone just got decimated down there... please don’t let it be Punchy.

-Hey buddy, *Thwomp* This is a no-fly zone, I’m going to need you to bring yourself to a complete stop. *Thwomp*

-*looks around* Did I really just step out in the middle of a field and anger a dragon? How many times do I need to be set on fire before I remember to use cover?

-DAMN IT! Clearly at least once more!

-Fast Healing go! Wait! you wouldn’t set fire to an unarmed lizard, right?

-WHY DO YOU HAVE NO MERCY IN YOUR COLD REPTILE HEART?!

-Wait, why am I no longer engulfed in flames? Punchy! Oh thank god you’re here, I was about to be overcooked.

-Bow drawn, poison applied, arrow back...

-Punchy cannot continue to take the beating that she is, but the window I have to headshot this dragon is small, I have maybe six inches of space between a tree and Punchy’s head...

-If the shot goes wide left odds are good she will die before I can get another shot off, if I go wide right I will kill her outright with a coward’s arrow to the back of the head.

-Focus... come on, we can do this, all I need is the one shot... hold breath and... release.

-Damn right! Crumble under the weight of my greatness! Did you hear that fly past your ear Punchy?! That was my awesome greatness flying past your skull DIRECTLY into his skull! I HAVE BLOWN HIS MIND WITH MY AWESOME IN A LITERAL SENSE!

-Snuggleface! Have you come to celebrate the greatest arrowing ever?! Wait, why do you have a ice shard in your torso?

-Meeko! Oh god! Where is Meeko?! Lightning and ice bolts?! No no no! You don’t get to take my pup from me you worthless necro!

-Your strategy of trying to burn down my pup was a good one but it would have been even better if you didn’t try it with your back to a sheer cliff.

-FUS RO DAH!

-Look at him go Meeko, it’s like he flew off to migrate for the winter.

-Time to head back to town, I may not have it all figured out, but I think I have enough of my brain cells in order to push on.

Not Pictured: a Necromancer with the ability to fly.

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