If you have a moment, please "like" us on Facebook for updates...
http://www.facebook.com/HowToProtectYourKneesASkyrimBlog

OR follow up on Tumblr, Thank you!!
http://skyrim-protectedknees.tumblr.com/

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Return to Skyrim, Day 9: The Afterlife and Muffins

-You know what I’m missing in my life? A horse... and a savings account, and a sensible business suit I can wear to job interviews. I think of these three problems the easiest to remedy is the horse one. 

-Good sir, I have come to your humble stable to purchase a horse. I’d like a horse that looks like he has seen the horrors of the world but manages to be amazingly handsome in the face of despair.  


-Sir, I would like a horse version of myself.


-One Thousand gold for a horse? That is rather cheap. Wait, I want to make sure, this is the price for a “complete” horse, yes? We’re not talking about a horse brisket or “build-it-yourself” horse, right?


-Sir, I’ll be completely honest. Besides being able to identify which animals are in fact horses, I don’t know anything about them.


- Ah yes, clearly this here is a fine horse... with all these legs.. and a tail.. and a head. Yep, that’s a horse all right. I’ll take it.


-Okay horse, I don’t know you and you don’t know me but I’m going to get on your back and you’re gonna let me ride you and this will NOT be awkward. I mean, lizards ride horses all the time, I assume.


-This horse needs a name, hmmm, I know! Muffins! Muffins the horse!


-Let’s put this horse to good use and track down a ghost... yet again, another sentence I never thought I would have the need to say.


-Ok, according to Dinya Balu, a lone ghost wanders these plains looking for her lost love. For once I’m going to do the smart thing and emotionally distance myself from this mess.

-Now if I was a ghost looking for another ghost where would I go? Hmm, well according to this here map the answer is, near a lone monument in the middle of an open field.. an open field that was once a battle ground...


-Wait, am I starting to care? No! You listen here me, you are NOT allowed to care about this, at all! ever!


-Excuse me, Ruki? I can’t help but notice you are all glowy and translucent.  I’ve heard you were looking for someone, I thought maybe I could help.


-You... you are looking through the bodies to find your husband? My lady, I.. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I don’t see any bodies here. 


-"How can I not see them?" I don’t think I understand the question. Listen, all I see here is some overgrown grass and a monument to war that occurred hundreds of years ago! Listen to me! There are no bodies here! None at all, what you’re looking for … oh... oh god....


-Now I get it, you... you don’t know you’re dead.


-Damn it, why did my hands just go cold? I’m not caring about this. Okay hands, you better start circulating before I get upset.


-Miss? I don’t see your husband here, maybe I should check his base camp. Maybe he is there, okay?


-Just wait here. Somehow, I don’t think that will be a problem for you Ruki.

-Fenrig? I can’t help but notice you standing out here alone in the middle of nothing looking all transparent... what do you mean “Don’t I see all the men?” Listen, I see where this conversation is going. let’s just cut to the chase. Ruki, she needs to see you.

-"Is there something wrong?" You’d be surprised at how complicated the answer to that question is.
-Just follow me and, well, I don’t know if we can sort this out, but we can try.


-Ruki! I have someone here to see you, but before you turn around you need to promise me you won’t say anything emotionally charged.


-”Fenrig! You’re alive!”, damn it woman! We JUST talked about this!


-”..the battle isn’t until tomorrow.” My god, how long has Fenrig been waiting for a tomorrow that he didn’t realized had already passed?


-”Fenrig, what is happening?!”, actually that is a really good question, are you two floating away?


-So that was it, they needed one another before they could ascend and leave this place and they waited hundreds of years to do just that.


“Ruki, it doesn’t matter, we are together now...”, god damn it! can’t you two just be happy AND non-dramatic?! Jerks.


-Well, another mission accomplished and done with only the slightest amount of caring.


-.... or quite a lot of caring, or something.


Pictured: Dedication


Not sure why, but this was the song I listened to the most while putting this post together. Enjoy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYeYold6Uys&feature=related, Audiomachine - “The Truth”

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Return to Skyrim, Day 8: Hand Gestures and Other Distractions

-The end of the world waits for no man, or lizard. Time to head to Karthspire.

-Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you don’t mind that we’re fashionably late but I have a really good excuse! Punchy and I decided to... DRAGONS?! Already? What the hell guys! You started without me?!


-Also, why didn’t anyone tell me Karthspire had a Forsworn infestation? This seems like something someone should have mentioned during the basement debriefing.


-**The dragon has clearly taken a beating at the hands of Forsworn, but upon my arrival it changes its path, circles back and decides I’m now the prime target, I draw back my arrow and, in what may prove to be my most “badass” moment yet, I send a single arrow into his skull, killing him in mid-flight, his lifeless body falls out of the sky and crashes to the ground in a mangled heap.**


-HOOOOOOOOooooo! WooooOOOOOOOOooooo! MY GOD DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT?! In certain countries I would now be considered a deity!


-Wait, where did that dead guy come from? Did you do that Punchy? You mean to tell me killing people is more interesting than watching me in action? Why aren’t you busy admiring my handy work?


-Didn’t you see?! That dragon was all like, “ROAR! I’m a dragon!” and I was all like, “I’m the king lizard not you!” and he was like, “I’M GOING TO EAT YOU!” and I was like, “YOU’RE GOING TO EAT ARROWS!” and THEN HE DID!


-*I Motion with my hands mimicking a dragon crashing into the ground while making slow-motion crashing noises*


-You know your problem Punchy? You don’t appreciate good story telling.


-Punchy, where are you running off too? RIGHT! We were in the middle of a battle! Oh Punchy, where would I be without you watching my back while I boast?

-Hey Forsworn, what makes you think you have any chance against us? If the arrows don’t bring you down, the Nord will and if she doesn’t the dog will... and if they don’t I can only assume a passing bandit will. Skyrim really is not a safe neighborhood.


-Who the hell is that old guy summoning rock monsters over there? Time to take a seat old man *Thwomp*!


-Huh, that old guy looked a bit like Esbern.... now that I think about it, where IS Esbern? I... I mean, he kinda looked like Esbern.... sorta... a bit.... a lot. CRAP, IT WAS ESBERN!


-I’m so sorry! so SO sorry! Esbern, talk to me! Are you okay?! I totally didn’t think it was you! I thought I was arrowing a crazy old man, YOU CAN SEE HOW I BECAME CONFUSED!


-Wow, you are just going to walk that off, huh? You are one tough old man. I hope I can take an arrow to the face like that when I’m your age.


-Let’s clean up this Forsworn rabble; storm the gates!


-Honestly I don’t see gates anywhere, but I’m feeling very melodramatic at the moment. Please, bare with me.


-*Thwomp* That’s the last of them. Everyone present and accounted for? Delphine! How good to see you, and even better to see that I didn’t accidentally arrow you in the skull.


-Well, after all that excitement, do we finally get to set foot in the hallowed halls of the Blades old home? I wonder what magical items remain?


-Welcome to Sky Haven, the former home of the bravest warriors this world has ever known.

-MY GOD WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS PLACE? I mean, are you guys sure all the other Blades are dead and not just buried under all this crap?


-Clearly in your massive armory you didn’t have anything resembling a mop.


-Huh, a full set of Blades armor, hope you two don’t mind, but I’m going to take this and save it for a special occasion. I mean, I’m going to need something fancy to be buried in, right?


-Looks like Esbern and Delphine are going to clean this place up, let’s go Punchy, we have a few stops to make before we start trying to hunt down the world eater.


Story time with (crazy old) Esbern