Day Ten in Skyrim: Honesty is Such a Lonely Word

-Welcome to scenic Markarth, our major exports are staggering amounts of corruption and MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS!

-I’ve been here exactly five seconds and I’ve seen a woman killed in the street. Even Detroit can’t boast that kind of speedy crime rate.

-I’ve watched so many episodes of “Law & Order” that I’m considered an Attorney General in several of the smaller European countries. Don’t worry guys, I got this.

-Note? I didn’t drop this note, you did! OOOOHH! Right! I’m sorry. Don’t mind me, city guard. I just need to pick up my note at that guy's feet, that I totally had in my hand and is totally mine and no I’m not suspicious in my actions at all.

-The note says that he wants to meet in a tavern and talk. Either he has information on this murder or I’m about to go on the most awkward date of my life.

-Eltrys, he is a simple man, but he knows what is going on in this corrupt city. Apparently the “Forsworn” are at war with the Nords and the empire and they have taken the battle to the streets. Eltrys needs help. Also, he isn’t into Argonians.

-Well, it only took two charges of breaking and entering but I’ve found out that the murderer was taking his orders from a “Madanach,” who happens to already be in prison. Since I’m a totally sane and rational person, the next obvious step is to break into prison.

-What do you mean you won’t let me enter your prison? All I want to do is some very innocent interrogation and MAYBE some murdering. I don’t see what the big deal is.

-The city guards? Corrupt. The prison wardens? Corrupt. That guy who sold me some meat? Corrupt. Some guy who wants my help breaking into a house? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU!

-So I’m being a pest am I Mr. Corrupt City Guard? GOOD! That means I’m doing the right thing! Something everyone in the damn town is unfamiliar with! Savages.

-Hmm, now that I’ve reread the murder’s journal it appears he received his orders from a “Mr. N”, this town has a Mr. Nepos. Perhaps it’s time for a little house call?

-Ok Punchy, we go in weapons drawn but let’s be casual about it.... which, I think is possible? Whatever, my “subtlety” may be lacking, but my “face-arrowing” skill is top shelf.

-Ha! Don’t even attempt to intimidate me! I know damn well who you are! You’re a two bit thug taking his orders from a one bit thug.

-"My dear boy, I'm sorry, you're not leaving here alive." - Mr. Napos. First, I was going to say that to you.. Second, that sounds like a challenge.

-CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

-Napos is dead before he can get out of his chair, the force of my arrow ensures this. Two more Forsworn charge the room, I draw my arrow on the first to enter my field of vision but my arrow goes astray when the second Forsworn blindsides me ruining my aim.

-Punchy returns the favor and sends him to his knees. I right myself, draw back my shot and, with a single arrow, end the first targets digital life. Before I can draw another arrow from my quiver Punchy has finished off the second combatant.

-I guess I should tell Eltrys that Napos is dead; that his city is marginally safer than it was.

-I have paid back all the murdering with even more murdering. I can see all those years of catholic schooling have really paid off.

Not pictured: An honest citizen

Day Nine in Skyrim: Any Enemy of the Empire... (Part 2 of 2)

-Hey, yeah I know I said I was leaving but I just thought of something I can give you fine gentleman in exchange for the prisoner, *thwomp* body piercings.

-Draw that sword and you’ll be dead before your next breath! Punchy! That one was mine! Find your own guards to murder!

-Snuggleface and Punchy, get the guard on the catwalk! *thwomp* correction, get the other guard on the cat walk!

-Is this wine glass leaking? Better just drink it straight from the bottle.

-Three archers versus little ole me? That hardly seems fair.

-You boys should have brought more friends.

-*thwomp* One! *thwomp* TWO! *thwomp* THAT’S THREE YOU SONS OF BITCHES!

-Wait, No! I’m not done killing you yet! *casts Raise Zombie*

-GET BACK UP! I NEED TO KILL YOU AGAIN!

-DON’T FEAR THE REAPER! FEAR ME! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

-Also! Fear Snuggleface! His teeth are at groin level!

-NO ONE LEAVES THIS PRISON ALIVE!!

-Wait! The prisoners! They leave! also us!

-That’s it?! No one else left to fight!? IS THAT ALL YOU COWARDS GOT?! DAMN RIGHT IT’S ALL YOU GOT!

-I’m taking nothing off these guys other than the helmets, I want them to spend the rest of eternity with the worse case of helmet hair.

-Right, so... why did we just kill all these guards again? PRISONER... what’s his name.
Something-or-other Gray-mane. Let’s go find him.

-Locked door? Pfft! I’m a lock-picking genius!

-*30 broken lockpicks later* GOD DAMN IT!

-He must be in one of these cells, wait a second, what is a Thalmor Interrogator doing down here? These jokers are religious fanatics with dangerous ideals and zero tolerance for anyone that doesn’t measure up to their standards of righteousness.

-I don’t care how many rock creatures you can summon! You know who else doesn’t care?! PUNCHY THE UNBROKEN! I won’t even waste an arrow on you, you robed thug.

-From now on I will call all Thalmors, “Santorums”.

-The imperials are employing these savages? By that I can not abide. Looks like I’m a rebel. A handsome, well-dressed rebel.

-Gray-mane, let’s get you out of your binding and back into the light of day, we should hurry I’m afraid we may have repercussions from the um... negotiations for your freedom.

-It must be negative thirty degrees out here and you’re wearing a t-shirt? What are you, from Michigan? Put on a goddamn sweater or something.

-Into hiding you go. I’ll tell your mother you are safe. I’ll also send a message to the Battle-borns.

-Just to be clear, you understand when I say “message” I mean, “hunt down like dogs.”, right?

-Come on Punchy, much like doctors from the 1950’s, we have a house-call to make.

Pictured: a man who should sleep with one eye open.

Day Nine in Skyrim: Any Enemy of the Empire... (Part 1 of 2)

-Hello inn keeper, would I like some food? Oh I couldn’t, I just absorbed an entire dragon an hour ago, I’m still pretty full. Just a room please.

-What better way to start a make believe day than with make-believe blacksmithing and real wine.

-I truly missed Whiterun, just a nice quiet town with two large warring families and the occasional dragon attack, it’s pretty much a retirement community when you think about it.

-Look, I’ve had what you could call a long day, how about you Battle-borns stop harassing this old lady about her missing son and I promise not to steal any of your major organs.

-Also, who does that? Even villains from a Bond movie would say that’s a bit over the top.

-You want to talk about your missing son later? I suppose I could cancel my three o’clock with Johnson from accounting.

-Whoa! Easy with the axe pal, your mother invited me into your house! This might be why your mailman no longer delivers your packages. Just a thought.

-What makes me qualified to help? Well if you look at my resume you’ll see I’m proficient at excel and powerpoint. I’m also certified as A GODDAMN DRAGON SLAYER!

-Look, I can talk to the guards and get your brother out of the prison. This will be even easier than finding a talking dog, you stay here and don’t worry.

-Just to be clear, you understand when I say “talk” I mean, “hit with bi-jillions of arrows.”, right?

-Just once, I wish that someone would be spirited away to a quaint beachfront community. But no, it’s always some frozen nightmare of a place.

-How did this glass of wine become so empty? Better fix that.

-Heavily armed, high walls and in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Looks like we found the place.

-Yeah, hi. I know you don’t know me and I don’t know you, but it appears you have a friend of mine, or should I say, a friend of a friend. Wait, that’s not true either, let’s start again.

-It appears you have the brother of a man who threatened me with an axe in your prison, any chance I could have him?

-No sir, I don’t have any papers for his release.. unless by papers you mean a bribe? I’m sorry, I’m a simple swamp lizard I might be missing the point of what it is you're looking for.

-Let’s not get all upset! No need to threaten me and my little party here. We’ll just go, no need to get all the guards involved. We’ll be on our way, you have a great day!

-This game needs a *Give Punchy the “you know what to do” nod*.

** TO BE CONTINUED**

Isolated and alone, suddenly I'm reminded of high school.

Screen Caps and Numbers: Vol 2

Just another minor Friday update. The blog will return on Monday. Have a festive weekend!

Adventuring isn't always danger, occasionally it camping. Dangerous, dangerous camping.

It's so easy to miss views like this while playing Skyrim, just some amazing visuals.

My favorite thing in all of Skyrim, besides Punchy of course.

ALL THE NUMBERS!

Level - 30
----------------------
Current Build: http://skyrimcalculator.com/#90146
[Currently I have two points saved for when Archery hits 70]
-----------------------
Skills:
Alchemy - 36
Illusion - 17
Conjuration - 36
Destruction - 24
Restoration - 32
Alteration - 21
Enchanting - 62
Smithing - 69
Heavy Armor - 29
Block - 28
Two-Handed - 19
One-Handed - 40
Archery - 66
Light Armor - 39
Sneak - 54
Lockpicking - 58
Pickpocketing - 22
Speech - 38

Everyday in Skyrim: Gaming with my Children

My children love to watch video games, maybe this is a result of the innate interest kids have in anything their parents do, or maybe it’s just the end result of years of bad parenting. Whatever the case may be my girls love Skyrim.

Raven (age 7), Nyya (age 5) and Solana (just about 3) are in some ways very typical children, they are filled with wonder, awe and enough insanity to bring down a full grown elephant in mid-stride. Having children is an experiment in distilling your soul. Give the experiment enough time and eventually you see aspects of your personality presented back to you in its rawest form, for better or worse.

When it comes to Skyrim their agendas are as follows: Raven believes she is the chosen one, Nyya wishes to help at all times, at all costs, and Solana just wants to know Punchy (known as Uthgerd the Unbroken to those of you who don’t follow my blog normally), my in game companion is okay. Before those of you who know me wish to point out some very obvious aspects of my personality that are being reflected by these three, please know I am well aware and quite proud.The following is just a small sample of who they are and what it’s like trying to save the world of Skyrim with three co-pilots.

If you want to fully experience what it’s like to be me, read everything they say as fast as possible and everything I say in the slow lumbering pace of someone struggling against the waves of childlike insanity.

A final note, Matilda is a toy dragon that Raven carries with her everywhere she goes. Best I can tell Raven’s sole purpose some days is to narrate what Matilda is doing so everyone within earshot is fully up to date on her dragon’s activities. Matilda is a part of almost everything she does, even watching Skyrim.

Needless to say I have no idea where she developed this need to tell stories on a regular basis.

Frank: Ok, we don’t have a lot of time so we’re just going to...
Raven: Did you know I’m a dragonborne?
Nyya: I’m Punchy!
Raven: I’m Dragonface!
Solana: I’m two Punchys!
F: Right.. I.. wait, do you mean you are ALSO Punchy? or...
S: I’M TWO PUNCHYS! [holding up two fingers]
F:I don’t see how that’s possible...? You can’t be two...
S: TWO PUNCHYS! [Holding up two fingers while glowering]
N: I’ll be your ingredient spotter!
R: I’ll keep an eye out for zombies!
S: Where is Punchy??
F: Punchy is fine, see? She is right behind me.
N: I see yellow flowers over there!
F: Thanks, I didn’t...
N: And one there!
R: Is that a bear?!
F: Raven, That’s a ROCK!
N: I see thistle branch! OVER THERE!
S: Where is Punchy?
R: If Matilda the Dragon was in Skyrim she would be the only dragon that helped dragonface!
F: That’s very sweet, I would love to have...
N: OOOVVVERRR THHHEERRRREEE!!
S: WHERE IS PUNCHY!?!?
N: I’M PUNCHY!
R: I’M DRAGONFACE!
S: TWO PUNCHYS!
F: WAIT! Everyone! Just... one second. I need...
N: THERE!!!!
R: [Now in story telling mode] Matilda was quiet, hiding behind Dragonface, “If any bandits attack I’ll set them on fire!”, said Matilda.
N: THHHEEEERREEEEEEE!
F: AH! OKAY!
S: WHERE IS PUNCHY?!!!!!
F: THERE! RIGHT THERE! SHE IS RIGHT BEHIND ME! SHE IS FINE!
N: Oh no a zombie!
S: *hides her face*
R: PUT AN ARROW IN HIS STUPID FACE!
F: Trying! There! Rung him up!
R: Matilda said “That was a great shot!”
N: Did you get the Thistle Branch yet?
F: SWEET JESUS YES I DID!
R: You should give Punchy some wine!
F: Why?
R: Punchy loves wine! Punchy is so great! Are you going to marry Punchy?
F: I... I don’t think so? Punchy has more of “working” relationship with Dragonface...
R: I’M DRAGONFACE!
N: IM PUNCHY!
S: I’M TWO..
F: THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE SOLANA! YOU CAN’T BE TWO OF THE SAME PERSON AT ONE TIME!
S: *Glowering*
F: I’m just saying, you are a singular person...
S: *Glowering and now holding up two fingers*
N: What’s that flower over there?
R: What happens if you become a vampire?
N: Are there dragons in this cave?
R: Is that another rock or a bear?
N: Are there spiders in this cave? I don’t like spiders!
R: Where are all the bandits?
F: Guys, GUYS! Guys... how about we just go back to Whiterun and you all make some potions?
All Three: YAAAAAYYY!!!
F: Who wants to try to make a potion first?
All Three: MMMMEEEEEEE!!!!!

Raven, Solana and Nyya on one of their adventures

Day Eight in Skyrim: Hiking and Other Mistakes, Part 3 of 3

-Finally! The cave that leads directly to the peak that a dragon calls home. Go up, kill a dragon, head home and roll in our newly found pile of gems. Easy as falling out of a tree.

-So this isn't an an ordinary cave is it? I suppose my first hint was the scattered piles of bodies and bones.

-And the crunching noise, that also suggests something unpleasant is going on here.

-Looks like a polar bear is living off the dragon’s leftovers. Come over here, I’m going to make so many leather straps out of you!

-So many skeletons, maybe someone should just cordon off this entire mountain I have quite a bit of proof that it might be unsafe.

-What Skyrim needs is an OSHA department.

-Also, this was the first non-talking animal I’ve run into in days. Things are finally starting to make sense again.

-Out the other side of the cave, it’s damn bright, almost snow-blindness. But I would have to be truly blind not to see this massive beast sleeping on a stone altar.

-If I was poet I would feel inspired to write something magical, something majestic. But that’s not who I am and that is not why I’m here.

-I almost feel bad about what needs to be done.

-Right, no sympathy for the devil. We have a job to do and so help me, I have an honest to god plan on how to do this other than the usual “flail about and hope Punchy kills it before I get devoured.”

-Ok, Punchy, You go stand on the east side of the mountain top, me and Snuggleface will go to the west side. This way no matter who he goes after someone will be able to flank him. See? It’s brilliant! I’m so much more than just a pretty face.

-Everyone in position? Check. Arrow poisoned? Check. Second thoughts about everything up until this point? Check.

-Arrow back, deep breath, holding steady... Ok. Let’s make this first one count. *thwomp*

-Right between the eyes! He takes off, almost vertically and quickly swoops back down overhead as he descends for his attack.

-That’s right! Go after that scary Nord lady, my plan is working! Wait! You’re hurting my Punchy?! How did I ever consider this a viable plan!?

-Back off the lady! Healing Hands Go!

-How’s my girl? All good? There, back on your feet. Now, where did that dra... NOW YOU’RE ATTACKING MY DOG?! SERIOUSLY?!

-I’M the hero! I demand to be attacked!

-I refuse! *thwomp*, to stand! *thwomp* for such! *thwomp* DISRESPECT! *thwomp*

-Damn right you’re taking off again! Nothing down here for you but an irate and surprisingly well dressed lizard!

-Guys, if we live through this I promise no more camping trips.

-There! Almost down! And you go after my dog again?!? I’m actively arrowing you! Where are your priorities!?

-Down! Fastest dragon battle yet and... wait! Don’t roll down the mountain you corpse! I need whatever it is you have!

-Looks like the alter has another shout for me, I hope it’s the one that lets me scream fire at people! or ice!

-Animals? This shout let’s me call animals to me? No! NO!

-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Dragons Vs. Dogs, I'm going to pitch this to the Discovery Channel as a reality show

Day Eight in Skyrim: Hiking and Other Mistakes, Part 2 of 3

-The bandit leader is sound asleep, how? There was like, a ten person and one dog brawl two rooms away! Whatever, I'm not going to complain, just another easy arrowing.

-Not a bad haul between the bandit leader and her minions, but I have to admit none of this counts as treasure. Must be around here somewhere.

-I don't suppose the treasure would be on the other side of that hallway, you know, the one with all those swinging blades?

-Ok, Punchy just stay close, I've seen people do this in movies a dozen times. It's just a matter of getting the timing down between the blades and stepping out at the right time, like so, OW! AHH! WAIT! OH GOD! THERE EVERYWHERE! RUN! RUN BLINDLY!

-Phew, didn't think we'd make it, Punchy? ARE YOU STILL IN THE BLADES? JUST COME TO ME! YOU CAN'T DIE HERE! DON'T YOU QUIT ON ME! DON'T YOU DARE QUIT ON ME!
-Healing Hands go!

-You crazy lunatic! You can handle dragons but not a simple booby-trapped hallway? I mean, granted, that wasn't my most graceful moment either, but come on!

-What's that on the other side of the room? Behind those presumable dead zombies? Is that... a large crate filled with things?
-Gems? Gold! Chalices! RARE METALS! A mold!...? Ok, that last one doesn't seem too exciting but we're rich! When we get back to town I'm going to buy so many ingots!

-Ah, it's good to be back outside with the gentle breeze, the midday sun and dirty naked man running in my direction.

-You want me to hold these gloves? Wait, why? Don't just threaten me and run off! How am I supposed to take you seriously when you don't even own a shirt!?

-Hey there hunter, funny you should ask, why yes, I HAVE seen a crazy shirtless man with gloves.

-Look, let's just all stay calm, I'm sure we can sort this all out. Here, take your gloves back and.. YOU SHOT HIM! YOU SHOT HIM RIGHT IN HIS GODDAMN FACE! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!

-Listen, if we're just going to start face arrowing everyone who steals something around here the only people left are going to be the limbless!

-I know I'm not the one to cast stones in my little glass house bought with the gold of dead bandits but, I don't know, that whole exchange felt wrong. It didn't need to end that way. Ugh.

-Ok, fine. We were on this mountain for a reason... which I don't recall at all, let me check my journal. Right! Dragons and vampires, up the mountain we go.

-No more distractions, let's just get up this thing, kill ourselves a dragon and, oh look another house!

-In comparison to the last house this one looks less "suspect" and more "totally ruined".

-Roof is pretty busted up and in front are what I hope are two very large over cooked briskets.

-According to this note in the ruins it looks like a man and wife lived here, the guy knew things weren't safe but didn't want to admit his wife was right about moving off the mountain. He had to choose between being cooked in his own skin or admitting his wife was right. Tough call.

-Dear real-life wife, if you're reading this please know that the above comment was included purely to get a cheap laugh. I would never, under any circumstance, choose certain annihilation over admitting I was wrong.

-Primarily because I have been right about everything for the duration of our relationship. At least according to my charts.

-A campsite? This high up? How did they get this far without dying? The Oregon Trail had less casualties than this mountain.

-Also, what's with all the bees?! Wait, I can catch the bees? How festive.

-Exactly what am I going to do with entire hive worth of bees? What the hell was I thinking? Has anyone ever said, "Guys, I know things look pretty grim right now but don’t worry, I have A GIANT SACK OF UNBELIEVABLY ENRAGED BEES. It’s going to be okay." No one, no one has ever said that.

Like all mountains this one had its share of pests.

Day Eight in Skyrim: Hiking and Other Mistakes, Part 1 of 3

Hello all, behold an exciting new experiment! The following "day" will span the week and will be told in three parts. I'm living on the edge! Please let me know if you enjoy this minor change. Thank you.

-I wonder what the folks in Falkreath are up to? Whatever it is, I'm sure it's depressing. Maybe I can cheer them up by killing something.

-Escaped Vampire you say? In the mountains you say? Certain to have found a coven you say? I'm sorry, but I have to tell you this is the most miserable place I have ever visited and remember, I've been to New Jersey.

-Let's see, he's marked the vampire's den on my map, apparently it's on the same mountain as a dragon, convenient, sorta.

-Potions? Check. Every ingot in town purchased and processed into daggers? Check. Still not a vampire? Check. Looks like everything is in order.

-An abandoned wagon on the side of the road? This must belong to someone. Hmm, wonder if the owner is hiding in that tower.

-Is that tree looking at me funny? Wait, that thought isn't right! What the hell is that thing?! AAAAHHH!

-Ok, not sure why but that tree-elf-nightmare thing REALLY freaked me out. Time to move on, besides, I'm pretty sure I know what happened to the owner of that cart.

-A house? On the same mountain as a dragon, a vampire den and whatever the hell was living in that tower? I've played enough video games to call shenanigans on this.

-The door is locked, did I say locked? I meant to say lock-picking is awesome.

-Anyone home? If you're just a humble farmer, just trying to get by in a harsh world, I'm really sorry about your door.

-Snuggleface! What's downstairs? Are you killing a humble farmer!? Come back here! Oh thank god, it was just another bandit... with a note.

-Hmm, the note mentions bandits, threats, death, traps and treasure. I choose to ignore all but one of those words.

-You know what's more interesting than notes? Big shiny candy-like buttons.

-A secret tunnel hidden behind a bookcase? How quaint!

-So Skyrim has so many bandits that they've had to resort to storing spare ones in this underground city?

-This slow motion arrowing perk has made my long distance eye surgeries soooo much easier.

-On the one hand arrowing a sleeping bandit seems unethical, on the other hand it's a golden opportunity to make a witty action-hero-esque quip.

-*thwomp*,Sweet dreams mister bandit. *sigh* I'm such a slave to my whims.

-I hear voices, lots of voices and they are getting closer.

-Whhoooaaa, that's a lot of bandits, did I interrupt a convention?!

-What do you call a giant group of bandits? A bunch? A band? A gaggle? I think this constitutes a gaggle of bandits.

-If I've learned nothing else from fighting gaggles of things, and I haven't, you must protect your back, which is why I'm wedging myself in the door-frame.

-To paraphrase one of my heroes, you may think I'm trapped in here with you, but you're trapped in here with me.

-and Punchy

-and my dog, actually It really is a group effort on our part.

-So much biting and stabbing and arrowing! What a great day to be alive!

-Yep, taking everything these guys had. Not because I need it, but because I want the next person that comes by here to think these guys died in the mists of the most horrifying orgy in the history of everything.

-I'll be damned, there IS a conference table in the next room. Wait, really? Were they discussing the third quarter profit reports? I need an explanation here.

This was such a nice lakeside town till that gaggle of bandits moved in next store.

Screen Caps and Numbers: Vol 1

Fridays will be used for minor updates, mostly of the (startling and amazing) skill points of Dragonface and a few screen captures from the past week's adventures. The blog will continue on Monday, enjoy your weekend!

This is what my screen looks like pretty much all the time, "High Strung Monster Hunter 3000"

Found a heavy guarded room in a bandit cave, the most valuable thing in the room? This gourd.

This is not only how I look when enchanting, but what I look like when trying to write my blog.

Numbers! Glorious numbers!

Level - 22
----------------------------
Current Build: http://skyrimcalculator.com/#86717
----------------------------
Skills:
Alchemy - 26
Illusion - 16
Conjuration - 30
Destruction - 21
Restoration - 25
Alteration - 20
Enchanting - 46
Smithing - 58
Heavy Armor - 27
Block - 22
Two-Handed - 18
One-Handed - 32
Archery - 53
Light Armor - 30
Sneak - 41
Lockpicking - 45
Pickpocketing - 22
Speech - 28

Please post your builds; would love to see how other folks are spending those precious perk points.

Day Seven in Skyrim: Two Cars in Every Garage and Two Women for Every Lizard

-Guess it's back to town for us, maybe someone needs more bandits killed? Wait, why is this dog still with us? Damn it, he must be tied to the quest for that axe, but I'm not getting that stupid axe. Hmm...

-The dog is part of the quest... and I'm not going to finish the quest... which means I'm stuck with the dog... most likely forever... and IF THE DOG is with us forever... THAT MEANS WE'RE FINALLY A REAL FAMILY! ISN'T THAT RIGHT SNUGGLEFACE THE SECOND!!!

-This is fantastic! Can't you just picture it now Punchy? Years from now we'll be relaxing in our living room, Snugglface the Second here will be cuddled up by the fire and... wait, what am I talking about? We're homeless. WAIT! How much gold do we have right now?!

-Five thousand and forty nine gold coins!? Home ownership here we come!

-Owning a home is everything I dreamed it would be! We can finally stop carrying around all of our belongings like over dressed hobo's.

-How did I just fit all those items into one dresser? The closet to Narnia doesn't have this much storage.

-Did you just hear someone come in? Are bandits already here?! We haven't even unpacked!

-Sneaking, approaching the stairs, arrow back, find my target and... Lydia?! What the hell are you doing here? Also, where are your manners?

-Just think, yesterday I was arguing with a statue and today? Today I am king of everything! Let's go buy a kitchen, I'm feeling extravagant!

-Why is music playing? Please tell me that was an abnormally large bat I just heard flying overhead?

-Dragon! circling over the city! We need to get this thing away from here before the civilian casualties start piling up! I'll draw it's attention with arrows and make a break for the city gates!

-Wait a second? Who do I think I am? I'm not Bruce Willis! I'm an idiot!

-Oh! Wow! That is a LOT of fire! Where are the guards?! We need someone to draw it's attention by getting digested.

-We don't stand a chance with this thing flying around taking shots at us, we need to bring it down to earth... also, where did it go? Did I really just lose a dragon? Punchy? What are you looking at behind me? Oh... no.

-OH GOD I'M SWIMMING IN A RIVER OF IMMENSE PAIN!

-Punchy! Stop running at dragons! Have you learned nothing from the untimely cooking of Bob and Tim?!

-You're going to get yourself killed... by slashing at it's underside... and bringing it back down to earth!? Punchy! I want to have your babies!

-Welcome back to Terra Firma! Population? ALL THE ARROWS!

-How do you like my fire hands?! huh?! HUH!?!

-HA! It's down! Who needs home insurance when you have a nord and a talking dog? Eat it State Farm.

-Oh, hey there mister city guard, your timing is amazingly convenient.

-Look I know you saw us fighting this dragon right outside the city because we were on fire for like, two whole minutes! You could have seen us from space!

-What are we going to do if another dragon comes around? Well I suspect you're going to hide in the ground like the gopher-human hybrid that you are, but us? Well, I don't mean to brag but we are the leading dragon extermination company in the district.

This is what happens to things that damage my home property value

Day Six in Skyrim: Lizards, Dogs and Other Things That Speak

-I can't believe it took this long for a guard to tell me how he used to be an adventurer until an unfortunate knee arrowing.

-After everything I saw on youtube I expected every guard to greet me with "Welcome to our town! Oy! You wouldn't believe the joint pain! Nothing I do seems to help."

-I want someone to create a mod that makes all the city guards sound like old Jewish grandmother stereotypes.

-You want me to find a dog on a local road? That's it? No bandits? It's not up in a cursed tree? it's not made out of fire is it? Sir, I demand to know what's the catch.

-Fine, you know what? We all know I'm going to step outside this town and some sorta man eating hellhound is going to descend from the sky and you're going to be all like, "Oh, did I say dog? I meant Satan's personal hellbeast! Silly me!" Whatever! I don't even care anymore! I'll go find your "dog"!

-You're kidding me, it really is a dog? HA! I didn't even need to put this meat out to lure him out, he's just walking right over.... and speaking to me. *sigh*

-This talking dog would have been way more shocking if I hadn't spent most of last night talking to the ghost of an elk.

-I love Skyrim but I'm not sure how I feel about this dog chasing simulator.

-Right, dark cave filled with danger.You know the drill by now Punchy, arrows, stabbings, great justice for all, so forth and so on.

-Sneaking, bow drawn, first bandit keeping lookout on a makeshift loft. Arrow back, arrow flies... found my mark right in his heart. He never heard the arrow that ended him.

-Let's just loot this bandit and see what he... wait, this isn't a bandit, it's a vampire?! You lead us into a cave filled with vampires?!? BAD DOG! BAD!

-Once we get out of here I'm through talking to animals.

-Look at that vampire just sitting at his little table eating his.. apples? Is he eating fruit? Vampires eat those?

-I don't care if he is the only vegetarian vampire I've ever seen, I need to drop him. *Thwomp*, HA! he flopped over in his chair like he has narcolepsy! Wait, why is he floating? and standing back up? And looking in our direction? Son of a! Vampire Lord!

-Quit firing all these spells at us! Are you stealing my life points?! I NEED THOSE!

-There, all dead. At least as dead as the undead can be. In all the confusion I have to be honest, I'm not sure if I was bitten or not.

-Didn't we just have a werewolf-itis scare like, ten minutes ago? Am I living wrong? I think I might living wrong.

-I blame the dog for this, all of it.

-So now I'm talking to a statue that is most likely possessed by some kind of demon, I was lead here by a talking dog and I may or may not be infected with vampirism. Did I have a stroke about an hour ago? Am I actually laying unconscious on the ground somewhere twitching wildly?

-So these folks were wishing for a cure for vampirism and you "granted" that wish when I randomly showed up and killed them? I must say you are the laziest evil talking statue I've meet all day.

-So all I have to do is go fetch an axe and I'll be given your "boon" no strings attached? Didn't you just explain to me that the last folks that trusted you are all exceptionally dead?

-I may be nothing more than a six foot tall lizard with amazing aim, a striking jawline and the loyalty of this drunken Nord woman but I'm not your lackey. To you I say, good day sir!

The adorable source of all my problems.

Day Five in Skyrim: Cursed Rings and Other Complications

-Look tiny child, when you run up to me unprovoked and inform me that your not afraid of me that means you ARE afraid of me.

-Also, I'm going to sneak into your house at night and eat you.

-"You don't know a woman till you've had a strong drink and a fist fight with her." - Punchy.

-I love you so much you big drunken hooligan! This game needs a "Get completely trashed and start a barroom brawl with Punchy" menu option.

-Greetings fine forging lady, I'll take all the ingots you have, after all I'm rich with dead bandit gold!

-Greetings fine forging lady, would you be interested in purchasing twenty of these freshly crafted iron daggers?

-What do you mean I can't afford anymore iron ingots?!

-Welcome to Falkreath, our major exports are wheat and crippling depression.

-I've been here five minutes and I've been given a quest for killing more bandits, the ashes of of someones dear friend, the explanation for why everyone here is sad and a story about a child being murdered. Remind me to never let you folks get into the gift basket business.

-You don't suppose all these gravestones have anything to do with the general sense of misery around here, do you?

-I don't care how sorry you are, you killed an innocent unarmed person you shirtless yokel. Yeah yeah, it's all the rings fault, you have any idea how many times I've heard that excuse?

-Fine, give me the ring, I'll take care of this. Wait, it's cursed? Wait, it's now equipped?! Wait! I can't un-equip it?!? Son of a...

-I don't mean to alarm anyone but your prisoner just turned into a giant dog and escaped out the roof. Also I might turn into a giant dog myself at any moment. Also, I would like to suggest that any and all tour groups just skip this town entirely.

-I must find a cure, the giant white elk that lives in the woods will fix my werewolf-itis. Wow, I can't believe I just said those words in that particular order.

-This elk won't talk, am I suppose to kill it? I don't want to get stuck with this ring. Wait, was I expecting this elk to talk? I'm not even sure if that's crazy or not.

-Ok Elk, Arrow to the face it is, I think you had this coming...? I, wait, or maybe I'm doing this wrong? The hell with it! Arrows away!

-Well that was pointless now all I have is this dead elk and.. AH! TALKING GHOST ELK!

-Right so the ghost elk just sent me to go get the skin of the werewolf that just jumped bail back in town. I tell ya Punchy, each day is just another paint-by-numbers event for us isn't it?

-Why does this cave have a giant red carpet? Wait, tell me those are human shaped throw pillows.

-This catman just said something ominous then died. I really should have been paying attention but I was distracted by all the bodies, I mean.. my god.

-Going to take this niiice and slow. Maybe we can sneak up on him and... *sigh* I'm guessing that's not a werewolf statue we're standing under is it?

-Go, go, go! Is that screaming? Who is screaming? Also, I don't like that crunching noise I'm hearing. Well, at least the screaming stopped.... oh, right.

-You're out of road and out of people to kill. I'm not even going to give you the honor of an arrowing, I'm going to cut you apart with my axe you murdering savage.

-There it's over, I'm not thrilled with having to skin a humanoid but I guess that it's better than being a werewolf and ending up like this idiot. Here ya go angry looking old ghost guy, just take the skin, take the ring, and leave us be.

-This game needs a "Receive a reassuring pat on the shoulder from Punchy." menu option.

Here we are trying to sneak away from Falkreath and all it's misery. We failed.

Day Four in Skyrim: Lydia the Gift

-Hey Jord, how'd things go with the dragon you ask? Well, we meet up at the mall, first we went to H&M, big sale ya know, after that we had to get some of those giant soft pretzels because you know how crabby Punchy gets when she's hungry, then... I'M COVERED IN BLOOD AND SMELL LIKE A BAR-B-Q! HOW DO YOU THINK THINGS WENT?!

-The good news is the dragon is dead, the other good news is that you can stop paying into Bob and Tim's retirement fund.

-So I'm Thane of Whiterun now? Unless that means gold, women and power I don't care.

-Right, it means all three of those things. Well, ok then.

-I'm a little unnerved by this whole, "I thought I'd get you a little something special for killing a dragon, here's a person." thing. Even if that person is Lydia.

-Oh Punchy, Lydia may be half your age, better equipped and poured into that armor, but you know what you have that she doesn't? Facial scars.

-Actually you know why I'm sticking with Punchy? Because she chose to follow me. Lydia would always be my follower because someone forced her.

-I have just given this entire situation way too much thought. I need more wine, or less. Most likely more.

-A house costs five thousand gold? If only I hadn't bought all those iron ingots. Stupid blacksmithing.

-Fine, let's sell off this junk and see how much gold that.. oh look, this guy is selling ingots!

-How is Blacksmithing my highest skill? When did that happen? Also, didn't I have four thousand gold like a minute ago?

-Another day, another quest to go kill some bandits. I have 99 problems but a bandit is at least thirty of them.

-This is ridiculous, it's time I kill a bandit with something other than an arrow. That or I should kill them with repeated arrows to the knees. No, no that would be stupid. Time to use a spell or something. Lets see what we have here.

-What does "Raise Zombie" do?

-MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA! BEHOLD MY ZOMBIE MINION! HE WILL KILL YOUR CATTLE! STEAL YOUR FAMILY HEIRLOOMS! CRUSH YOUR... wait, why is he a pile of ashes?

-Ok, ok. How about we try lightning hands? That was fun in Bioshock, should be fun here. Wait, no, fire! Fire trumps lightning!

-What was that Mr. Bandit? I couldn't hear you over all your sizzling. Pretty sure you were saying "AARRRRGGGHHH MY SKIN" but I could be wrong.

-Ok here's the plan, Zombie you go shamble over to that corner and die a confused death. Punchy? You go stab everyone who isn't you or I. Me? I'm going to poison this arrow and send it directly into that bandit chiefs brain.

-Also, Zombie? Could you keep all that moaning to a minimum? I'm afraid it might give us away... oooorrrr you could just turn into a pile of ashes. That works too. *sigh*

-Ok, ok, steady... steady, *thwomp* Right, so that arrow in his eye seems to have upset him more than anything else, mistakes have been made!

-Also when I said it was just the chief I may have miscounted by one or four!

-FIRE! FIRE FOR ALL! HAHAHAHAHOoooh CRAP! Punchy I'm so sorry!

-Honestly I have no idea what just happened but I'm pretty sure at some point Punchy threw a dead bandit at me. Also everyone but us is dead.

-How did this giant animal carcass get to the bottom of the cavern? Were these guys building a mammoth down here?

-Wait, what are we here for again? Right, stolen do-dad-thingy. Another day, another cave, another pile of dead bandits. I'm starting to think we're getting the hang of this.

Punchy and Lydia, the choice is pretty damn obvious. PUNCHY 4 LIFE!

Day Three in Skyrim: Punchy the Brave

-I swear I don't even remember finding this dragon stone, I suppose I should deliver it to... whats-his-name.

-A dragon is here? This calls for immediate conversation!

-Hey Jord buddy, I don't mean to ruin your day but your plan of sending seven of us to stop a dragon might not be the best idea I've heard today.

-Listen! This thing killed a CITY! an ARMED city! How the hell is "send seven of our most moderately trained warriors" plan "A"?! What the hell is plan "B"? Capture the dragon in a net woven from our intestines?

-Look, I'm a bipedal lizard with no formal education and even I know your plan is an idiot, I'm none too fond of you either Mister.

-Love the pep talk Miss Dark Elf, I'll make sure they transcribe it on your tombstone after we all get cooked in our armor.

-One of these guards is certain we are all going to die, I dub thee "Tim the Observant".

-I... I heard something. A big something. Wait, you want us to split up and find it? Have you EVER seen a horror movie?! Should I just cover Punchy here with Bar-B-Q sauce and be done with it?

-Not to mention we're not looking for a contact lens here, we're looking for a dragon. I'm pretty sure he's going to find us.

-Oh. My. God. RUN PUNCHY! RUN FOR THE TOWER! Forget Bob! He was dead the second we left the city gates!

-Also, forget Tim!

-Must poison my arrows, ALL the arrows, must fire ALL the arrows!

-FROM HELLS HEART I STAB AT THEE!!! I hit him! He bleeds!

-Screw this tower! I need no safety! I hav... OH GOD IT BURNS! I'M ON SO MUCH FIRE! AM I MADE OUT OF STRAW?!?

-DRINK ALL THE HEALTH POTIONS!

-Ok, going to hide here, one second, tower is safe for us... Punchy? Punchy? PUNCHY!

-You marvelous idiot! Come back here!

-Step away from Punchy you son of a bitch! COME AT ME BRO!

-*Dragon thirty yards away* This arrow is for Bob!

-*Dragon is twenty yards away* This one is for Tim!

-*Dragon is ten yards away* This one is for hurting Punchy!

-*Dragon is no more then five feet away from me* - This one is for.. OH GOD PLEASE DIE!

-He's... dead? DEAD?! HOLY CRAP! HAHAHAHAHA! Let's see what he has! Why does this dragon have a full armor set in his stomach? Oh, right. Poor Bob. Poor, poor Bob.

-Whoa! The dragon death animation is more awesome than a bandit taking an arrow to the neck. Just awesome.

-Wait, ya'll surprised I might be a dragonborn? I'm serious, have any of you looked at me? My tail? My scales?! My giant lizard face?

-I'm really sorry, but you should have asked me to turn away from you before you asked me to see what happens when I shout. I'm totally new to this!

-When do I get to shout FOR-RA-DAH?

-Punchy don't ever run off like that again! I don't know what I would do if you died. Most likely I'd reload my last save game, but still!

-Aren't you wondering where I got all the Whiterun armor from mister Whiterun merchant? I mean, this one has "Tim" written on the collar.

Day Two in Skyrim: Bandits and Nudity

Behold, the continuing adventures of Dragonface and Punchy....

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-By my calculations 83% of all residents of Skyrim are bandits living on the outskirts of town.

-These bandits have a blind man as their lookout. Who signed off on this? Mel Brooks?

-I love the Bow, it's like music, the creak of the wood as you draw the arrow back, the "Thromp" of the arrow taking flight, the sound of it tearing through the air followed by the "AAARRGGHH MY EYE ITS IN THE EYE!".

-Punchy is very good at sneaking around even though she is wearing more plate armor than an actual tank.

-This guard is singing a song about poisoning someones grog. In another time and place we would be friends. But in this place he is a heap with an arrow stuck in it.

-Another guard just came by to see what happened to the first. His assessment?, "Hmm, I guess it was nothing." Yep, Jimmy over there must have been pretty worn out from jamming that arrow through his face and needed a nap.

-Two more guards, two more arrows, two more kills. I'M AN ARROWING MACHINE!

-In a world filled with people shooting fire from their hands and screaming people off cliffs I'm running around with pointy sticks. I get the feeling I'm doing this wrong.

-This caged wolf was being tamed by bandits, I would LOVE a wolf partner! I would name him Snuggleface! Me and Punchy could at long last be a real family! Here I come Snuggleface, I'll set you free!

-Snuggleface, 2/9/2012 - 2/9/2012, wild hearts can't be tamed.

-I think Punchy is taking the untimely arrowing of Snuggleface pretty hard.

-Bandit Leader has been found. We approach sneaking, arrow back, arrow flies... and I'm off mark, pegged him in the shoulder. Punchy on the move, second arrow back, second arrow flies, finds its mark in his torso and he crumbles to one knee. Punchy, never breaking stride runs him through with such force that she hoists him into the air, dropping his lifeless body to the ground like a bag of meat. The battle is over.

- PUNCHY IS SUCH A BADASS! That's right Punchy! You show those bitches what the score is!

-This game needs a, "Fist bump with Punchy" option.

-Thank you mangled heap of flesh that used to be a bandit leader, the rightful owner of this sword will be happy to have it back... and I think the local merchant will be verrrry interested in your gloves.

-And your necklace.

-Also that helmet.

-Those pants are awfully nice too.

-Well it would just be silly to leave this body here with nothing but boots. I mean, what would people think if they found this scene later? I better take the boots too.

-Don't give me that look Punchy. You knew damn well what you were getting into when you met me. I like my arrows flying, my women crazy and my enemies naked.

-Just to be clear when I say naked I also mean dead.

-...just to be extra clear this has nothing at all to do with necrophilia. Which I do not support in any way shape or... you know what? Let's just move on.

Day One in Skyrim: Beheadings and a Dragon, and Other Overly Dramatic Statements

This blog will chronicle my thoughts as I play through Skyrim. Please keep the following in mind:

1)When gaming I do enjoy an occasional glass of wine. Occasionally.

2)I have a very hard time NOT thinking for any substantial period of time. This makes me very bad at meditation but (hopefully) good at writing a blog that requires the documentation of many random thoughts.

3)I tend to really get into games like these, to the point of moving my ACTUAL head to dodge incoming objects and talking to myself about what is happening on screen AS IF IT WERE REALLY HAPPENING. I know, I know, very sane behavior. Anywho, welcome aboard! let's begin.

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-So I get to choose between being a human or some sort or of bipedal dragon? I don't even think this is a choice really.

-I want a face that says, "I've seen the gates of hell." while at the same time says, "All the two legged dragon ladies love me."

-I wish people were dancing, that would really brighten up this execution.

-Dragon! No really I got this guys, I'm just laying on the ground with my hands tied. Really, I'm fine, go save yourselves. BASTARDS!

-I want loot these bodies! What do you mean my hands are bound?! I HAVE A DRAGON HEAD I WANT TO GNAW THROUGH MY ROPES! What button do I press to gnaw things??

-The guy keeping me alive from the dragon is the same guy that sent me to the executioners block five minutes ago. I have very mixed feelings about this man.

-The only hero in this mess is a tool of the Imperials, meanwhile the rebels are running around saving their own ass leaving children in harms way. Moral ambiguity thy name is Skyrim.

-This women just bet me one hundred gold that I couldn't knock her out with my fists, which of course I did. As a result she is now willing to be my follower. I am entirely certain I do not understand what just happened.

-Her name is hard to pronounce so I'm just going to call her Punchy.

-Took me all of fifteen minutes before someone sent me off to some god forsaken tomb to find some golden animal part. When will people learn to guard limbs made out of precious metals?

-Four out of every five mummies that appears to be dead is actually dead. The fifth really takes advantage of the mathematical likely hood that you're going to skip over to him with your weapon not in hand.

-Who is calling for help? Is it the spider? Does the spider have human vocal cords?! Why.. OH GOD IT SEES ME! KILL IT PUNCHY! KILL IT WITH YOUR FEEBLE HANDS!

-So this thief was calling for help, and as soon as I save him from the spider he runs off, bastard!

-I bet you didn't think I would plant that arrow in the back of your head from twelve yards out and on the run, did you? Try calling for help now! I bet it would come out like, "Huuuuuuuurrp!".

-Punchy looks nervous and on edge, she looks like she needs a reassuring hug but the menu interface prevents this.

-Large empty room with a treasure box and two coffins. Yep, nothing to be worried about here.

-First you slither out of your coffin then you start screaming spells at Punchy?! Do I even know you?! What the hell dude?!? Prepare for an arrow induced speech impediment!

-Punchy crushed his torso bringing him to his knees, while trying to get back up I launched an arrow into his neck sending his lifeless body tumbling over the edge. That have been the most awesome thing ever.

-There needs to be a "High five then chest bump" option for interacting with Punchy.