Return to Skyrim, Day 17: The Winterhold Public Library, Black-Ops Division (Part 2 of 2)

-I guess this summoner never heard the old adage, never bring a flame atronach to an arrow fight.

-Go ahead and try to summon something to bring me down *He summons a very violent flame atronach*

-Right, okay, now try doing that with an arrow stuck in your brain! HA! See, not so easy now, is it?!

-Three summoners at once? This hardly seems fair.... to the summoners.

-I COMPLETELY MISJUDGED THE AMOUNT OF FIRE THREE SUMMONERS COULD PRODUCE!

-New self rule...remember that pride comes before your skin bursts into flames.

-Okay, this looks like the last room. If I know anything about summoners, it’s that they have a flair for the dramatic. I’m guessing this room will be large, filled with idiots and the main idiot will be right in the middle of the room.

-Not even going to look, when the doors open, I’m firing an arrow into the middle of the room...

-On my mark Punchy, Three, Two, One....

-*The doors open, the arrow slides from my fingers and sinks into the torso of the summoner standing in the middle of the room as predicted*

-I’m going to be honest, I can’t believe I was right.

-Looks like we have what we came for, I guess this is where we part ways Orthorn, you may not be my favorite summoner in Skyrim, but you didn’t try to kill me and steal the books back like I expected. Thank you.

-Next stop, Winterhold.

-Okay, now that I have these books I just need to find Talfor and... HOLY CRAP YOU BROUGHT THE ORB TO WINTERHOLD?!

-This has to be the worst decision that I was not personally responsible for.

-So now that you have this giant cursed orb in a place filled with power crazed wizards what’s the plan? You seem like a smart guy so I’m assuming you’re one step ahead of everyone else here.

-Nope, your plan is to just stare at the orb... faaannntastic.

-Oh lovely, now Arcano wants to speak to me, I wonder what about, Talfor? I’m sure it has NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS STUPID ORB!

-Lovely, Arcano isn’t just condescending he is a Talmor.

-You’ve said less than ten words to me Arcano and I’ve already figured out how I’m going to kill you.

-Oh you want information about the orb Arcano? Which orb would that be? OOOOoooh, THAT orb... yep, it sure is... orb’ish. Where did we find it? I can’t rightly say, I’ve been to so many places, seen so many things, I can’t be expected to remember everything.

-Oh calm down, Arcano, I’m totally willing to cooperate with a Thalmor trying to bully me into giving him information, go ahead, ask me another question.

-Who was with us when we found it? Found what? OOOOOooooh THE ORB, right. I think some guy was with us... Tony? I think his name was Tony. I’ve met so many interesting people in Skyrim. Wait! Where are you going?! I WAS HAVING FUN DAMN IT!

-I don’t think I’ve had an NPC storm off in exasperation before. I’m kinda proud of myself.

-Someone just told me I need to find the Augar of Dunlain. Finally, information I didn’t have to kill for.

-Now all I need to do is find the Augar of... wait, what the hell is an Augar? Is that a person or a thing?

-Whatever, hidden things are always in the basement, I’m just going to go there and rummage around, maybe the Augar is in a box labelled “Augars” or something.

-*Sigh* Who am I kidding? Whatever an Augar is I’m sure it wants to kill me.

I'm starting to worry this thing is actually an egg.

Return to Skyrim, Day 17: The Winterhold Public Library, Black-Ops Division (Part 1 of 2)

-Savos Aren! Listen, so Talfor’s class trip proved a little more doom-tastic than hoped.

-Well, I wandered off and wound up trapped in a tiny room, while I was panicking heroically Talfor figured out a way to free me, then right before the zombies attacked, while everyone else was frozen in time of course, a ghost appeared and warned me about some sort of disaster THEN we found a giant blue Orb that was guarded by the most arrow-proof zombie I’ve ever seen, after that I ran here to find you.

-Trust me, it didn’t make any more sense when it was happening either.

-Are you just sending me to the librarian because you don’t want to deal with this? I feel like that is what’s happening here.

-Urag Gro-Shub! Savos said you might be able to help. Any chance you have a book about giant orbs foretold in disaster prophecies??

-Of course you do! I was crazy to doubt you. Apparently.

-What do you mean someone stole it? My tax gold goes to funding this library... I assume... and some jerk went and stole the one book I wanted to read!? Who is he and why am I not killing him right now?

-So Orthorn stole books to impress some wizards that were expelled from Hogwarts... I mean, Winterhold?

-Exactly how insanely evil do you need to be to get kicked out of here? I mean, have you talked to that cat man in my magic class? I’m pretty sure he is using puppy tears as a spell reagent.

-Well, don’t worry Urag, I’ll get your books back...

-*Doing my best Arnold Schwarzenegger* It’s time to let them know their books are overdue. Wait, hold on... OVA DOO. There we go, that’s it.

-Even for a abandoned fort this place is dilapidated, the towers are crooked, there is junk everywhere and that guy throwing fire at me is wearing a robe that is SO last season.

-Hey! Don’t throw fire at my horse! MUFFINS, NOOOO!!!

-No one sets my horse on fire but me! And even then it’s still wrong!

-We’ve been here less than two minutes and we already have a pile a dead summoners and one horse with a refreshed phobia of fire.

-These jokers have prisoners?! Why didn’t Urag mention that? Don’t worry ladies, I’ll have this lock opened faster than you can say...

-HOLY CRAP YOU’RE ALL VAMPIRES! STAY BACK! I’M ARMED AND...

-I SHOT HER! I SHOT AN ARROW RIGHT INTO HER STUPID VAMPIRE FACE!

-That was a complete accident, I swear! I just wanted her to keep away from my neck, I didn’t mean to kill her!

-Maybe she was friendly, maybe I could have helped bridge the gap between vampire and lizard kind. Wait, did that other caged vampire just call me a “meat bag”?!

-From now on, the phrase, “Like shooting fish in a barrel” will be replaced with, “Like shooting arrows into caged vampires.”

-Wow, another vampire in a tiny cage. How gothic do you have to be to decorate with living vampires?

-Oh look who we found all caged up like the big dumb animal he is! So I take it your new friends weren’t impressed with the books eh, Orthorn?

-Free you? WHY!? You stole spell books and gave them to an actual hive of villainy! Your character judgement skills leave quite a bit to be desired young man.

-Listen, I’m entirely too stupid to leave you in this cage, so I’m going to open these gates and set you free on two conditions...

-One, you’re going to help me find all three books. Two, you’re not going to set me on fire. Break either of these rules and I’ll do something truly horrible to you...

-I’ll make you finish this quest line.

Potions, sacred texts and orcs. Pretty much your standard library. 

Return to Skyrim, Day 16: Field Trip

-Ah the great outdoors! I never thought I would miss this eternal blizzard but, after being down at the core of the earth with those freaky little Falmers, this weather is just fantastic by comparison. 

-Hey, is that Talfor over by those mines? What the hell is my magic teacher doing out here with the other students?

-CLASS FIELD TRIP! I hope everyone got their parents to sign the permission slips.

-So we’re just going to roam around this dig site looking for enchanted things? Oh well, still more fun than sitting through another potions class.

-Well, let’s see what we have here, one enchanted ring on the ground and one enchanted necklace on this wall... Punchy, when I picked up that necklace did you hear something? Almost sounded like a gate crashing down behind us trapping us in here, crazy right?

-OH DEAR GOD A GATE HAS CRASHED DOWN AND TRAPPED US IN HERE!

-Talfor? TALFOR?! I don’t mean to cause any alarm, but it appears that we’re trapped in this tiny room and I feel like the walls are closing in around me AND MY CLAUSTROPHOBIA IS STARTING TO FLAIR UP! SO IF YOU COULD GET ME OUT OF HERE BEFORE I SWALLOW MY TONGUE THAT WOULD BE GREAT!

-I’m not panicking! WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT PANICKING! Punchy! Quick, rip my arms off so I can shove my torso through this gate!

-Talfor, you’re going to have to speak up! Someone in here is screaming hysterically and... oh, wait, that might be me.

-Ok, Talfor says I just need to put this necklace on and magic the wall, which is what I’ll do as soon as I can breathe normally.

-Oh thank god! The wall crumbled like stale graham cracker! Freedom! Freedom into a slightly larger enclosed space..... hoorah?

-Looks like we have three coffins and an altar in here. I’m no expert but I think only necromancers and Rush Limbaugh have this kind of interior design.

-Talfor! Any idea what we should do? You seem to be relentlessly calm and rational, I’m not sure how much more of that I can put up with.

-Whoa, why did everyone stop moving? And why is everything now in black and white?! Oh look, a weird ghost guy appearing out of nothing.

-You know, this sort of thing doesn’t even surprise me anymore. If that table over there suddenly turned into a ghost of a pig and said, “In the winter the sun will come,” and then exploded into three headed bunnies I don’t think I would even bat an eye.

-Only I can stop the disaster that is about to unfold? Listen Nerien, I don’t mean to be glib, but which disaster? I mean, just look at my day planner, each page says, “SAVE WORLD, BUY MILK”

-Yep, just disappear without giving me any real details on what the hell is going on! I’ll just figure this out on my own, DAMN YOU! Well, at least everyone is moving again.

-Why do you want to check the coffins Talfor? It's not like they are going to be filled with candy, they are going to be filled with.. *The coffin lids burst off on their own and the room fills with...* ZOMBIES! 

-Arrow for you! and an arrow for you! Hey, don’t bite my dog! You just earned yourself an extra arrow!

-I guess in Soviet Saarthal coffin checks you, eh? EH?!

-Whatever, I thought it was funny.

-If I’ve learned nothing else it’s that zombie Nords are always guarding something valuable. With any luck it’s gold and not something tremendously powerful that no man or woman should ever possess.

-Look down there, it’s one of those super powered Nord zombie men. Watch me drop him from here Talfor and you’ll see why I have little use for your magical parlor tricks.

-Arrow back, arrow flies and finds it’s mark... and bounces harmlessly off his skull and clatters to the ground.

-Oh.... fudge.

-Right, on to plan B, turning his skull into an ax cozy! Prepare for a poorly planned lobotomy! *CLANK* *The ax also bounces off his skull harmlessly*

-Well, I’ve tried pointy sticks and moderately sharp metal. That about covers it for me, just wait for the warm embrace of death then?

-Keep him busy?! What do you want me to do Talfor? Show him adorable pictures of cats?! HE DOESN’T SEEM LIKE THE DISTRACTIBLE SORT!

-Go ahead hit my shield! Eventually your arms will be all stubby and worn down! Just you wait!

-Wait, why did he fall down? Is... is he dead? *Tentatively kicks at the corpse* Talfor, I don’t know what you did, but thank you.

-I don’t see any gold lying around here so I’m guessing those Nords were guarding this orb, this large, ominous, certain to kill a bunch of people, orb. I get the feeling this is what Nerien warned me about.

-I’m going to let the folks in Winterhold know we found the “doom orb”, yeah I know, it seems pretty harmless right now, but a little ghost birdy told me that’s going to change.

The moment before Jyrik Gauldurson was annoyed by an arrow bouncing off his face. 

Return to Skyrim, Day 15: Dwemer Computing for Dummies

-Welcome back to scenic Alftand, town hall is still hanging over the side of the cliff, deal with it!

-According to Septimus the Elder Scrolls are at the bottom of this structure. Then again, according to Septimus, purple is a type of hat, so let’s not assume anything he said is correct.

-Hello? Anyone home? We’re here from the electric company, we just need to go into your basement for a meter reading!

-Nope no one here, just piles and piles of Dwemer stuff. Guess that means we’ll be spending the next hour fighting dozens of robot spiders.

-Ah, a flight of stairs down, I’m sure we don’t have far to go!

-*Twenty minutes and five flights of stairs later*

-Huh... not much here, just some more steps heading down. Surely it can’t be far now!

-*Thirty minutes and six more flights of stairs later*

-Oh good, no steps... just a ramp, a long circular ramp heading down...Just lovely.

-The further down we go the more working Dwemer machinery we find. It’s amazing, with all the technology these folks had none of them ever built an elevator.

-Hey Punchy, wanna bet on what’s behind this door? I’m going to say it’s one of three things, either a talking pony, a giant squirrel OR another ramp going down.

-WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! IT’S A DOWN RAMP! WHAT A SURPRISE! *Begins quietly weeping*

-The welcoming party has finally arrived to greet us. Let’s show them how much we appreciate the hospitality.

-*As three Falmer ascend the circular ramp, I zero in on their point man with my bow. I let the first arrow fly and find my mark in the small of his back, killing him instantly. One of the remaining Falmer begins to frantically look around in an effort to find me, our eyes meet the instant before my second arrow connects with his skull killing him where he stands.*

-*With the element of surprise gone Punchy rushes down the ramp to confront the last Falmer. I sprint to catch up with her but she has too much of a head start, and I watch as the Falmer draws back his ax, a moment before Punchy draws back hers.  I fire a single arrow that zips past the side of Punchy's head and strikes the Falmer in his left shoulder, his momentum and advantage are lost. She brings her Ax blade down on his skull, his lifeless body crumbles under her weight and slides down the ramp before tumbling over the edge into the abyss below.*

-You know, maybe we shouldn’t run around like this when these ramps don’t have railings... or a visible bottom.

-I hear... voices? Not Falmer’s...sounds like cat people. It just wouldn’t be a dungeon crawl without treasure hunters to muck things up.

-Hey, we don’t want any trouble! If you could just point us to the closet ramp heading toward the core of the earth that would be great! Why are you trying to stab me?! Quit it! Fine! Let’s do this the hard way! See! Now there is an arrow in your torso! Are you happy now?!

-From their notes it looks like they’ve been down here a while, I’m guessing insanity settled in not long ago. Funny, I was just thinking what this mission needed was more crazy people with weapons to complicate things.

-Huh, what is this? Looks like more Dwarven machinery. But this one seems to have a spot for a round thingy... Septimus gave me a round thingy! Round thingy goes in round thingy spot!

-Wow, I really need to get back to the College of Winterhold as soon as we’re done here.

-Sphere is in, just need to press this button annndddd IT REVEALS ANOTHER FLIGHT OF STEPS DOWN! DAMN THIS INFERNAL MACHINE!

-Ok listen Punchy, I’m going to open this door and if their is anything other than perfectly level ground before our eyes I’m going to scream till my lungs explode. Try not to panic when it happens.

-I can’t believe it, Blackreach is a real place! I guess even a crazy clock is right twice a day.

-This is actually quite beautiful, I mean for a city that is considered to be in “ruins” it’s in better shape than Riften, even with the killer robots and giant man eating bugs roaming about.

-Are those people? Have the Falmer been keeping slaves down here?! I’m disturbed by this.

-Wait a second, maybe those aren’t slaves! Maybe we went so far down into the earth that we wound up in hell! Wait, I don’t see any Thalmor here, false alarm.

-I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I mean, sure a cube fits in whatever it is, but that’s not exactly super helpful at the moment.

-The Oculory? I may not know what that is, but I have a feeling it's exactly what I’m looking for.

-Whoa, this is the largest piece of Dwemer machinery I have EVER seen. And sure enough the cube fits right into the control panel!

-Ok, this machine is roughly a billion years old and designed to stop people like me from figuring it out. At times like this I’m reminded of something my mother use to say to me, “If you ever find yourself at the control panel of an ancient computer, it’s best to hit all the buttons as fast as possible.”

-*Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky*, What? Don’t look so alarmed Punchy, I totally know what I’m doing. *Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky *CLICK*

-Well, either I just unlocked this thing or we’re all going to die.

-*The machine slows its movements and the final piece of it descends from the dome ceiling and opens, inside are the Elder Scrolls*

-Button mashing, both the last act of a desperate man and the first act of an impatient one.  

-Let’s take the elevator out of this place and figure out what the hell we do with these scrolls now that we have them.

Opening this only took five thousand frantic button presses.