Return to Skyrim, Day 7: A Lizard for Every Nord

-I guess I should go tell the priests of Mara the good news about Klimmek and Fastred, I’m sure they are going to want to celebrate by sending me on another match-making quest.

-Good ole’ Riften! The only city where I feel safer in its sewers than I do on its streets.

-You know what this town needs? A bigger prison. I mean, would anyone be against just building a giant cage around the entire city? I’m really not seeing a downside to this.

-How does one become a Priest of Mara anyway? I asked this questions months ago and I still don’t have a satisfactory answer. Until someone tells me otherwise I’m just going to assume it is done via a raffle.

-Dinya Balu, how goes it my peaceful priestess? Listen, I took care of the situation in Ivarstead, and I don’t mean to brag, but I didn’t even kill anyone.

-I know, I’m surprised too! Turns out there is something called “mediation” and, get this, you can’t shoot it out of a bow or set someone on fire with it!

-Personally I’m not a fan, but I can see how it would be useful sometimes....occasionally... rarely.... that one time.

-So do you need me to fix another relationship? I knew it! Here is a question for you, have you actually looked into my body of work? I mean, I’ve killed more people than the last plague, what makes you think I’m qualified to help people work out their differences and fall in love? -Wait, don’t walk away from me! I was trying to tell you how not qualified I am! You.. WAIT! DAMN IT! Exactly how many people do I need to kill to prove my point?

-Fine, whatever. This isn’t the first time I’ve been given a task for which I am completely unqualified for. Ooooh, I know! I'll put on my amulet of Mara! That will totally raise my credibility!

-*Puts on Amulet of Mara* Ah, that reminds me, Punchy could you take this... wait, new dialogue option? “Are you interested in me?”, what, like do you want to know my hobbies?

-You ARE interested in me? Well, let me say, I enjoy archery, hunting down bandits, stealing boots off dead people and.. wait, that’s not what you’re asking.

-WAIT! WHAT?! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE!?!  

 
-This relationship we have, it’s professional, right? I mean, I trust you to watch my back and you trust me to watch yours. That’s what we have here, trust and... huh... well, I guess... I guess that is actually pretty damn important in this world.

-You know what? This world is most likely coming to an end, and if it is I can’t think of any other collection of pixels I want with me when this all gets blown apart.

-Yeah, let’s do this.

-I mean, it can’t go any worse than my real life marriage, right?

-(Dear wife, I am aware you are reading this and I am certain you will understand the humor of the above statement. If not, remember you knew what you were getting into from the very beginning. In summary, you have no one to blame but yourself. )

-(Also, please don’t punch me in my neck again while you are “sleeping”, last time that happened I was pretty sure I was going to die.)

-Hey Dinya! Guess what? I’ve decided to make a crazy and rash decision and I need your help, how much does it cost to rent this temple for a ceremony?

-It seems wrong to get married in armor and to be honest I don’t know where one finds a tailor at this hour, I guess we can make due with various clothing items we have taken from dead people. Pretty sure that is what most people do anyway.

-Oh look! Everyone showed up for the ceremony, even Lydia!

-Maramal, not to rush you, but the sooner you pronounce us Lizard and wife the sooner we can get back to saving the world.

-”...may they journey forth together in this life and the next, in prosperity and poverty, and in joy and hardship. Do you agree to be bound together, in love, now and forever?"

- "I do. Now and forever", not only because it’s the right thing to do, but we are also doing this for all the oppressed cross species couples in Skyrim!... which I assume are being oppressed... I think... I mean, it seems probable.

-Wow, I mean, WOW... this is by far the most insane thing that has happened so far and this is coming from a SIX FOOT TALL BIPEDAL LIZARD that once watched a dragon fight two giants, a mammoth, and a bear.

-Is it time for me to stop calling you Punchy and start calling you by your real name, Uthgerd?
-Well folks, thanks for coming to the ceremony, but Punchy and... I mean, my wife and I have to go and save the world, wish us luck! I suppose you should also wish yourselves luck.

-... also, we are registered at “Belethor's General Goods” and we could really use some kitchenware and arrows, no pressure, just saying. Thank you!

All wedding photography done by the F12 key.

Return to Skyrim, Day 6: This is Crazy

-You know what I find disappointing right now? Everything.

-I’ve messed up, I know it. No way to make it better either. I should solve this problem in the most healthy way I know how. *checks map* Where is the nearest Tavern?

-Ivarstead, a simple farming community filled with simple people... that will one day fill Alduin’s stomach.

-What? You think these people could stop Alduin, Punchy? The sharpest weapon in this entire town is that sheep. Esbern is right, Alduin is going to eat everything and this stupid town isn’t even going to count as an h’ourder... h’orderov... appetizer.

-So you want to venture out of this village young lady? Tell me, Fastred, where do you wish to go? RIFTEN? REALLY!? Look, if you need someone to steal all your money just let me know. I can save you a trip.

-You know what? I’m going to tell your parents you’re an idiot. Also, that they are bad parents.... want to go to Riften... kids these days... *disgruntled mumbling*

-Hey! Jofthor! Yeah you! Is that your daughter? If so you SUCK at parenting! She aspires to travel to RIFTEN! Yeah, that’s right, RIFTEN! She might as well aspire to die in a fire!

-She wants to leave because of a boy? Oh... well. I suppose that explains all the poor life choices.

-.... and he is an arrogant talentless poet? With no real life skills? Listen, from one parent to another, I can kill him for you. No, I’m so serious right now. I mean, a giant dragon is going to eat us all in a week or two anyway, so this really isn’t that big of a deal.

-Right, no murdering. Listen, I’m going to have a little talk with Bassianus the poet. I’ve been told I can be very... persuasive.

-Bassianus, I just meet you, and this is crazy, but I’m a bipedal lizard, run for your life maybe?

-Wait! You mean I can solve this problem without violence? I... I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with a solution that doesn’t end with arrows in skulls.

-You mean, another villager has fallen in love with Fastred? Klimmek, he is a decent chap with an unfortunate name and an abundance of common sense. AH! And look who just walked into the Tavern!

-Klimmek, I’ve already meet you, and this is crazy, but I … DAMN IT! I’m sorry, I got this friggin’ song stuck in my head. Anyway, I’ve heard you had a thing for Fastred and that then you didn’t.

-Look I’m a six foot tall lizard so I’m completely qualified to give you life advice, but first I need to ask you something. Do you still love her?

-Ok, so you do, so call me crazy, but maybe she should know this?

-Listen buddy, I like you so I’m going to level with ya. This is all so temporary... even more so because the world is ending in the next week or so... anyway, tell the people you love how you feel. You never know when this is all going to go away... or when they are going to turn into stone in some cavern filled with vampires...

-Damn right, you are going to tell her! Go, GO NOW! RUN KLIMMEK, RUN!

-Ok, let’s get close enough to hear what is going on but not close enough to be a distraction. What? I’m entitled to know how this ends, Punchy! And no, I don’t really care, why would I care about some stupid villagers and their stupid feelings... or how stupid this is... just sayin’.... it’s stupid.

  

-HA! She loves him too! How lovely! I’m so hap... I mean... whatever.

-This game needs a “Give a subtle highfive” option.

-Enjoy the rest of your lives Klimmek and Fastred. With any luck, that will be more than a week.

Fastred parents. Not just are they bad at parenting, but they have a bizarre drinking problem.

Song for this post: “Call Me Maybe” - Carly Rae Jepsen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWNaR-rxAic) (I really didn’t have a choice, I forgot how the chorus went and, well, it all went downhill from there)

Return to Skyrim, Day 5: This Night

-Delphine, look! I brought you an old man! I’ll be honest, I’ve never gotten the hang of gift giving.

-I may poke fun at your pal Esbern but damn it, 90% of the world seems to want him dead and he still managed to reach retirement age.

-Ok Esbern, we have our collective backs to the wall here. Dragons have replaced raccoons as the most common pest in cities and the Thalmor are running amok like the world is coming to an end. Also, the world is coming to an end. Any thoughts?

-Go to Alduin’s Wall? Alduin the World Eater’s wall? That seems like an awfully bold plan for a guy that was just hiding in the sewers and pooping in a bucket for the last decade.

-Fine, we need to swing by the Karthspire first, well, it may not sound like a holiday resort but that does sound somewhat safer than the World Eater’s home.

-Karthspire is all the way on the other side of the map. The journey will be long and difficult. Right, so I’ll meet you guys there then?

-I know, not the most heroic decision I’ve made but I need to sort a few things out before I take my little squad to the end the world.

-Ok listen team, I’ve been thinking something over and... well, Snuggleface, I know this isn’t what you signed up for, so it’s time to take you home.

-Let’s be honest, I’ve been calling you Snuggleface the dog for so long that I’ve completely forgotten you’re actually some kinda demon sidekick named Barbas. I can kid myself all I want, but I’m betting you want to go back to your buddy.

-This... this is surprisingly a difficult decision, but we are about to start our march on what I expect to a truly horrible situation, I don’t want anyone “dragged” along. I mean, this is the right thing to do, yes?

-Onward, to the home of Clavicus Vile.

-Damn it Clavicus! Why is your home always infested  with vampires? I mean, most people are content with bug infestations, but no, not you.

-Clavicus, I have your axe and your dog... I.... I want you to take both of them back...

-So I would get to keep this cursed axe providing I strike Snuggleface, I mean.. Barbas, down with it?

-There are mistakes I have made, but I only make them on my own terms. No deal.

-Before I hand over the axe, Barbas... do you want to stay with us? I mean, right now we can all just turn around and walk away from this place and call it a day. Is this what you really want? I mean, your buddy seems to be something of a terrible bastard.

-Give him the axe and trust you? I... as you wish.

-*I hand the axe over to Clavicus, Barbas reassures me that he will make sure Vile fulfills his part of the bargain and with that he disappears. Moments later he appears as a statue next to Vile in his rightful place.*

-Wait... I’ve... done the right thing? Look, someone, ANYONE needs to reassure me this was the right thing to do because right now.... right now, I’m so afraid I’ve failed.

-A mask? This is the gift I’ve received in exchange for my puppy?

-So, this is it. This is how his chapter of the story ends? He is back home, back with his twisted partner.... but this is what he wanted, so this must have been the right decision.

-Oh the lies I tell myself to make things easier...

-I guess this is it, time to do something I’ve never been any good at. It’s such a simple word but saying it seems to make things so damn final, but then again... it is.

-Goodbye, Snuggleface.

Where his story ends.

 (I always listen to different songs while I write these posts, in fact a few of the titles have references to the songs I was listening to during the writing process. I had a hard time finding something to set the mood for this entry, eventually I found it with "Black Lab - This Night", enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cucFfpsqf8)

 

Return to Skyrim, Day 4: The Old Man and the Sewer

-Good Ole Riften, the city voted most likely to make people say, “Where is my wallet? It was just here a minute ago...”.

-Look, I killed a dragon for you people! Why is no one impressed?! Where is your undying love and affection!?

-Fine, whatever, if I can’t impress the folks living in the city I’ll try to impress the ones living under it.

-The Ratway... well, I see why they don’t mention this place in the travel brochures.

-Excuse me, Large Burly man? Could you point me toward the.. um...*checks notes* the old man? WHOA! Easy with the axe buddy!

-Personally I’m not offended but, as you notice, Punchy here doesn’t take kindly to your unique brand of hospitality.

-I would ask if you learned your lesson about swinging sharp metal at Nords, but you seem pretty dead at the moment. I’ll just assume you got the point.

-The super scaley female lizard that owned the inn in Riften told me a makeshift inn exists down here somewhere... and yes Punchy, she was scaley, why is this a problem? Are you rolling your eyes at me?

-Do we ALWAYS have to fight like this when we are on vacation?!

-Hey, Barkeep, any idea where the “old man” is? Hey, no need to get all on edge. Actually that reminds me, you may need to hire a new door man, your last one just retired unexpectedly.

-How is it possible that the people that live under Riften are even worse than the ones in it?

-None of you want to help? Fine, you know what? I don’t need this! I’ll find him on my own with my lizard tracking powers... I really don’t know much about the animal kingdom so I’m just going to assume that is a thing lizards can do.

-Geez, who wears such fancy robes to the sewers? Damn it, THALMORS!

-Guess I’m not the only one on a quest to find an old man in the sewers, eh boys? Of course the difference is, I’m going to find him, whereas you are going to spend the rest of your evening prying arrows out of your skulls. *thwomp*

-The Thalmors may be “C” grade goons, but they wear some “A” grade armor. I could use all the funds I get, from selling off their stuff, to put Meeko through puppy college.

15-Well, I may not know who this old man if, but if the Thalmors want him dead he is automatically my newest friend... assuming I find him... and that he is still alive.

-Hmm, not sure if I have found the old man but this heavily locked door is promising.

-Sir? Sir?! Can you please open the door? I’ve traveled a long way to find you...

-*looks over to Punchy for help* I promise we aren’t here to sell you anything, nor are we representatives of any church...

-hmmm... Have I mentioned that I was sent by Delphine?

-There we go! Esbern, you are a hard man to find... how long have you been down here? If you don’t mind me asking, where have you been going to the bathroom?

-Aren’t you a ray of sunshine, listen I’ve heard a large number of prophecies lately and I’m going to be honest, I’m not a fan of any of them.

-Alduin is going to eat everything? I don’t even... how? Like, all at once?

-Wait, I’m not sure if you got the memo, while you were down here, but according to some very crazy guys that live at the top of a very dangerous mountain, I’m the Dragonborn. See! I knew that would brighten your day!

-Listen, we can sort this all out later, for now let’s get you back to Delphine so you can tell her your plan to save the world.... you DO have one of those, right? I mean, not to put any pressure on a man wearing a burlap bag for a shirt but the rest of humanity is sorta counting on you.

Both the most helpful and attractive person in Riften.

Return to Skyrim, Day 3: Stealing a Horse and other Shameful Acts

-Louis Letrush, behold I bring you your horse! Let me assure you any “cooked horse” smell you may be noticing was caused by an unexpect Flame atronach attack... what I’m saying is, we weren’t trying to eat your horse.

-Is it weird that I pointed out we didn’t try to eat your horse? Does that make us seem more guilty or less? Wait, I’m guessing these follow-up questions are not helping either.

-So long Louis, happy trails to you! Enjoy your completely uncooked horse and... *sigh*, that man is just never going to trust me again is he?

-Should I return to Riften or should I really shake the rust off and go poke at a dragon?

-Sometimes I ask myself some really stupid questions.

-*One mountain climb later*

-I’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!

-Listen! If everyone could stop getting thrown into the air by this Ancient Dragon I’m sure we could come up with a feasible plan!

-Meeko! What did I just say?! Get out of the sky and extinguish yourself right now!

-I don’t remember these fights being so difficult. Wait, I must be doing something different, something painfully and obviously wrong... *looks around*

-A HA! I’m standing on a mountainside and not an open field! That’s not very bright of me... I’m also on a narrow mountain path... with no way to avoid the living nightmare that just landed in front of me...

-No choice! have to jump and hope for the best!

-SEE YOU IN HELL GRAVITY! *Crunch* Oh god! MY LIMBS!

-Oh, healing potions, where would I be without your bone mending abilities?

-I suppose the obvious answer is, “in a special care facility,” but that was more of a rhetorical question.

-Listen buddy, the not so good folks of Riften need you dead and I need to make Riften a better place and all I know is violence, and that is how I’m going to fix things. So how about we just get on the same page here and let me kill you?

-This dragon is just soaking up arrows as if they were snowballs. Time to dip into the “special reserve poisons” portion of my backpack.

-46 points of poison damage? Well, don’t mind if I do.

-*thwomp* There, I KNOW you felt that one! Perfect, retreat to your flat mountain top home!

-Behold! The terrain is now to my advantage! Watch as my dogs run wild and free.... and gnaw your legs like rabid beavers attacking a tree.

-It’s been fun, but I have a city to save, time to bring this dance to an end *thwomp*.

-OoooooOOOOOooooohhh, I’d forgotten how pretty the “dragon soul” light show is!

-Quick headcount, let’s see, one badass Nord and two homicidal dogs, yep, looks like we all made it.

-Well, with that out of the way, let’s check the quest journal for other Riften based quests... Ah, find the old man living in the sewers... how disgusting, can I just leave him there instead?

Further proof that Punchy is the real hero here, I'm really just ranged support.

Return to Skyrim, Day 2: Bad Dog

-So, Ms. Jarl of Riften, you say one of the Black-Briars is in prison for murder? How does a Black-Briar wind up in prison in this neck of the woods? Don’t they run this town? Geez, he must have eaten the guy in broad daylight or something. Whatever, I’m going to go pay him a visit and try to gather some family secrets.

-What kind of clearance do I have, you ask mister Jailor? Well, just look at this face, can you not tell how trustworthy and handsome I am? You should totally let me into your prison for a visit.

-Who can say no to this face? No one, that's who!

-Sibbi Black-Briar, a magical combination of arrogance, entitlement and foolishness. If you were an animal you would have been eaten as a pup.

-You murdered your beloved’s brother in broad daylight AND stole a horse AND want your beloved’s head as a gift.... I don’t even know where to start in terms of how wrong all those words are.

-Sure, I’ll find her for you, just tell me where I can find that horse on your family's property, I might also need to know where your family lives, but that’s just a minor detail you should not worry about..

-Allow me to add “gullible” to the list of things that make you a special little snowflake, Sibbi.

-Alright team, we got what we need. Let’s swing by the inn on our way out and... where is Meeko? Did we forget him in the prison?

-Hello Jailor, yes it’s me again, the really handsome devil, anyway did you happen to see a dog around here? I came in with two and left with one, odds are he is around here someplace....

-YOU’RE IN A PRISON CELL, MEEKO?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!  Also, as a dog what crime are you capable of?! Did you fall into the wrong crowd while I was gone? HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN AN AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL?!

-I... I just don’t know what to say. I guess I have to spring my dog out of prison? Is this what I came back to Skyrim for? TO BREAK A DOG OUT OF HUMAN PRISON?!

-Fine, mission “dog prison break” was a smashing success. Let’s go see where the Black-Brairs call home, that is IF MY DOGS STOP COMMITTING FELONIES! Jerks.

-Either the Black-Brairs have the most heavily armed gardeners I have ever seen or these jokers have something to hide.

-Mercenaries, the place is crawling with them. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but the good guys don’t hire goons like these.

-Excuse me, Ms. Heavily armed goon? Do you mean to tell me that I’ve gotten close enough to you and the compound? You know, I was just thinking the same thing. *thwomp*, yep! I can totally arrow you in the face from this range. Thanks!

-I’m sorry, were you planning on helping your fellow goon? Good luck with that, I’ve told my puppies here that you have some dog treats in your pockets, also, that you are hiding an entire chicken in your neck.

-Right, we’ve taken care of the exterior goons, but I’m going to wager this place has its fair share of interior goons as well. Let’s see what these folks are doing to keep busy.

-Nothing says "Champion of Justice" quite like sneaking into a house and *thwomp* murdering a mercenary while he quietly eats an apple.

-*The clatter of silverware brings three more mercenaries charging into the room, the first has his momentum broken by Meeko and Snuggleface, the second is instantly paralyzed by one swing of Punchy’s enchanted axe. Both mercenaries are dead before the third can fully enter the room, he calls for mercy but the dogs don’t take commands from anyone but me... and I don’t take commands from him.*

-All this murdering will surely make Riften a safer place, right? Maybe I’m going about this all wrong... maybe I need to murder MORE people. Yep, that sounds right.

-But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, time to commit a lesser crime and steal this horse and bring it back to its rightful owner.

-Fixing Riften, one felony at a time.

Meeko: The reason we can't have nice things.

Return to Skyrim, Day 1: Reports of Demise and Other Overreactions

-Can I do this? It’s been like, six months since I’ve picked up the bow and tried to save Skyrim. It’s just been so long. If only I had some guidance, a role model to follow in my time of need....

-What would Punchy do?

-LOAD ALL THE SAVE FILES! Wait! Load the most recent save file, that makes way more sense.

-WHAT DO ALL THESE BUTTONS DO!?! How do I... anything?

-PUNCHY! I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH YOU MARVELOUS DRUNK! I can’t hug you so I’ll just jump at you to show my unbridled joy!

-Snuggleface and Meeko! I don’t suppose either of you remember how to equip a bow, right?

-Okay, I use to have this down to a science, what I need is human target practice to shake the rust off.

-How is it possible that I’m more than a hundred yards from a bandit? Has this ever happened before? Has Skyrim’s mind blowing bandit problem solved itself in my absence?

-Wait, no, Forsworn camp twenty feet from here. Phew, was afraid I had completely lost touch with this society.

-Here we go, let’s make this first shot count. Arrow back, aim for the skull and *thwomp*... 

-*clank*

-Right, can’t be expected to get the rust off quite so fast. This time I will factor in arrow drop and …. *thwomp*

-*clank*

-*sigh* Right! Thankfully this Forsworn is deaf... or already dead. Nope, he just went to go check out that rapidly growing pile of arrows. Let’s try this again...

-*THREE ARROWS LATER*

-*clank* OH SCREW THIS! You! Yeah you! Come over here! I need to bludgeon you to death, apparently.

-There! What I lack in depth perception I make up for in vicious beatings.

-Screams, rapid footsteps... I may be rusty but I know what those sounds mean. Company.

-*Thwomp* Right in the eye! Oh I know you can’t share my joy Mr.Forsworn on account of the massive internal bleeding, but let me assure you, the way I spun around and planted that arrow directly into your brain signaled my glorious return.

-My hit rate might be below twenty percent but my witty rejoinder rate is still a sturdy one hundred percent.

20-Nothing like stealing the boots off a dead man to bring back fond memories, eh Punchy?

-Well, our bags are now filled with the helmets and boots of various slow footed thieves. Now that the Forlorn know we are back let’s check in with our local den of villainy. Riften.

-Dear simple villagers, I don’t mean to cause a distraction but everyone stop and stare at the wonder of nature that is I, Dragonface!

-I never felt right leaving this town is such disarray. All this grief seems to be caused by one family, the Black-Briars.

-Let’s knock on a few doors, ask a few question, snarl, bark and cause a general ruckus. I want the Black-Briars to know there is a new sheriff in town and he can’t be bought... also that the new sheriff is a sharp dresser and way beyond handsome.

-And modest, that too.

Please cue the dramatic music.