Return to Skyrim Day 23: Unpleasent People and Places

-Ok, time to buckle down and stick to the plot. I should take care of the Lexicon quest.  All I need to do is head south and… Oh, look a cave!

-DAMN IT! Oh well, I’m sure there is nothing interesting in the cave anyway. I’ll just go in, kill some bandits and leave. Won’t take more than five minutes….in theory.

-A Dark elf? Huh. What could be more innocent than a Dark Elf just hanging around an unsettling cave? Quite a few things actually.

-Hello? Miss? I couldn’t help but notice your vacant stare and the chasm before you. Anything you want to talk about?

-Medresi Dran, I know you think there is treasure at the bottom of this pit, but let me assure you, you are completely correct.

-HOWEVER… and this is a big “However”, you are clearly an abrasive person and the odds of you becoming a cautionary tale are roughly one hundred percent.

-So you had a team and they all took off when the corpses down there started moving around? Maybe I’m the crazy one, but that seems like a pretty rational response to the problem.

-Oh yes, taking a threatening tone with me is going to work out just great for you. Totally. Lady, have you EVER read a Grimm’s Fairy Tale? People like you don’t make it to the end of story. Like, ever.

-You know what? Not only am I going to clear this pit of undead for you, but I’m also going to leave my trusty Nord here to make sure you remain safe. Yes, just remember, the Nord with the razor sharp blade and hair trigger temper is here for YOUR safety. 

-See, the two of can lie reassuringly to each other!

-Alright, all I need to do it go down these broken stairs, pull two switches and wait for Medresi’s inevitable betrayal. Pretty simple stuff.

-Well this corpse at the top of the steps isn’t exactly a good omen. 

-I bet there are a few zombies waiting for me once I jump down there… wait, I have a brilliant idea!

-I’m going to throw this lifeless body down the stairs to distract the zombies!

-Wow… those are words I never imagined I’d have to say.

-Down you go! Look at that body tumble! It’s like meat Slinky.

-Ha! It worked! That’s it, come closer! Take a good look at that dead body *thwomp* and become one yourself.

-Oh look, a room filled with coffins. I wonder what happens next. *sigh*

-If I ever become king my first act is going to be ensuring that all coffins are nailed shut.

-*pulls lever* well that does it, Medresi. I’ve opened the door! You can betray me now! 

-Wait, where are you going? Don’t run! No, seriously! THESE ROOMS ARE BOOBIE… *Medresi is crushed between a raising platform and spikes on the ceiling** ...trapped.

- *Sigh* You know, I’m starting to figure out why this place was filled with undead.

-On the plus side that was the most hysterical deaths I’ve seen in some time.

-Well, no point in letting that jerk die in vain. Let’s see what all these zombies were guarding.

-A Dragonborn Shout? Down here? That’s unexpected treasure! Wonder which one it is.

-Animal Allegiance? Wait! Animals already talk to me too much! I DON’T WANT THIS! DAMN IT! 

No one looks at Punchy like this and lives to talk about it.

Return to Skyrim Day 22: Christer and His Departed Wife

-My list of problems is pretty ridiculous right now.

-Dragons, War, Jarls, and the worst one. Atrophy.

-I haven’t killed a man in days. How could I let this happen?

-Let’s be honest, I will never be as good at anything else as I am at killing things.

-Time to find an empty spot on the map and wander around till I find something to pierce with pointy sticks.

-Ah! The great outdoors! Filled with marshes, bears, mammoths… actually this is awful. I’m going back home.

-Wait, what’s that? An abandoned fort? How exciting!

-Abandoned forts attract bandits the same way blogs attract writers desperate for attention.

-Hello? Anyone home? *Thwomp* Anyone besides that guy?

-Here we go! The welcoming committee! I hope you guys brought party favors.

-Because I did. *Thwomp* *Thwomp* And… OW! Did you just hit me with an arrow?! My god that hurts! Is that what this feels like?! AH! WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH?!?

-Punchy? Since when are you an archer?! WHY IS EVERYONE HERE AN ARCHER?!

-Listen! We can’t all run around being archers! That’s MY thing!

-I’M A SPECIAL LITTLE SNOWFLAKE DAMN IT! *Thwomp*

-Nice shooting by the way, Punchy. Just when I think I know everything about you…

-Well, let’s see what these bandits were guarding so vigorously.

-Hmm, in the first room we have a middle aged male peasant? I… I’m sorta disappointed.

-Sir, please don’t take it personally, but you are the most disappointing treasure I have ever found.

-So you are here looking for your wife. Well that explains a few things. Sorta.

-You wait here, Christer, if you wife Fjola is here we’ll find her.  

-Well, Punchy, time to put on the corpse handling gloves. No way she's alive in this awful place.

-But maybe we can give this guy some closure… and I can get some more target practice.

-Oh look, more archers!

-*Thwomp* *HACK*  Looks like we are back down to one archer, me! I INTEND TO KEEP IT THIS WAY!

-Ah, much better! An angry mage!

-I have to admit, sometimes I wish I had focused on learning to throw lightning and fire. *Thwomp* *THWOMP* Not at this exact moment, of course. But sometimes.

-Nearly at the top now. If his wife is here it looks like the Bandit Leader is keeping her under lock and key. Maybe she is alive after all! Let’s fill this guy's skull with arrows, take his key, free his hostage and get the heck out of here.

-Would you look at that, this bandit group is led by a woman. Good for her, getting a managerial job in a field as sexist as thievery.

-Ma’am? Yes, hello! I don’t normally stop to talk to people I’m planning on killing, but this seems like a pretty unique situation. I’m here looking for a woman named Fjora. Maybe you can tell where she is and we can skip all this nastiness of trying to kill each other.

-You’re Fjora?

-.....

-YOU’RE FJORA?!

-Well, this is an interesting problem. I mean, generally I make a habit of killing Bandit leaders, but I was sent here to rescue you…. from yourself, apparently.

-Look, I get it, the life of a farmers wife is 50% boring and 50% trying not to get killed by dragons. But don’t you think this is a bit extreme?

-Not to mention, what do you want me to tell your husband? The poor bastard risked his life sneaking into this place.

-I… I guess I can tell him you’ve died. I’ll be right back.

-Christer… I have some bad news. Your wife, Fjora… the woman you loved is gone. I’m sorry.

-I found her ring though. Here, take it. Leave this place and never look back.

-I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. That felt wrong.

-Fjora! I won’t kill you, but you owe me. I’ll return one day and this debt will be settled.

-I came here to kill people and all I did was break a man’s heart.

-*Sigh* I should have just fought another dragon on a mountainside.

Fjora. Clearly I have a soft spot for tough female Nords.

Return to Skyrim, Day 21: This Calls for Immediate Conversation

-Before I left Paarthurnax he mentioned that I should swing by Dragonsreach. Apparently the place was built for one purpose, to house the most lazy Jarl in all the lands. Well, that and dragon catching.

-I’ve been to Dragonsreach a few times and the entire place looks an awful lot like an ordinary building. No giant nets, secret catapults or suspicious magical columns. So, unless the entire place can transform into a giant dragon fighting robot, I don’t think I understand how this all works.

-Jarl Balgruuf! Your children are still spoiled monsters, I trust?

-Sadly this isn’t a social visit, I heard a crazy rumor that this place was built to catch dragons. How crazy is that, right?

-Wait, it IS? Seriously?! Hey, so crazy question… WHY HAS THIS NEVER BEEN MENTIONED BEFORE?!

-This countryside has more dragons than cows and you never thought to mention THIS PLACE COULD TRAP DRAGONS?! What were you waiting for?! Trivia night?!

-You know what? I’m not going to let this bother me. EVEN THOUGH IT REALLY SHOULD!

-Listen, I need a favor. So I have this plan. It involves catching an enormous flying lizard at Dragonreach, in the hopes of luring an even larger and more violent flying lizard out of hiding? Sounds brilliant, right?

-Listen, I know I’m asking for a lot here, but either we lure Alduin here on our terms or he shows up the old fashioned way. Uninvited and hungry.

-Fine, you don’t want the Stormcloaks barging in here while you have a dragon in your guest house and you want the Greybeards to moderate a ceasefire. I guess this is fine.

-I mean, I don’t trust the Greybeards and the Stormcloaks seem to really enjoy being offended by everyone while also being wildly racist, so this should go smoothly.

-I’m trying to think of a situation that could be worse than two warring factions, two dragons and a mountain worth of crazy old men. I swear to Mara I can’t think of one.

-I guess some bears could show up too? That would be kinda worse.

-*One Fast Travel to The Throat of the World*

-Arngeir, I trust everything here is still… really creepy?

-Look, we need your help. And when I say “we” I mean everyone not living on this mountain.

-Oh, so you don’t want to involve yourself? Really? You want to know what the people down there are dealing with? Alduin, War and an unbelievable bandit problem.

-But you want to know the biggest problem they have? Some stubborn old men living on a mountain refusing to help save the world.

20-Oh, you’ll help? Huh, maybe I am better at negotiating than I give myself credit for. I guess I only have one person left to talk too…

-*More fast traveling, this time to Windhelm*

-Ulfric, still surrounding yourself with the scariest yes-men this side of Tamriel?

-Let me summarize, we kinda need you to be a little less Ulfric’ish for a week or so, okay?

-The Greybeards are willing to negotiate a cease fire, which is kind of a big deal, can we count on your co-operation? Yes? YES! I’M SO GOOD AT THIS!

-Punchy, bask in the glow that is my magnificent charm!

-Ok, that’s about all the talk I can handle. I need to wander off into the woods and launch some pointy sticks into people.

If you are a Nord AND a jerk, you live here.

Return to Skyrim, Day 20: Alduin the World Eater (Part 2 of 2)

-ENOUGH! JOOR ZAH FRUL! FIGHT ME, FACE TO FACE!

-My GOD you’re hideous!

-Normal arrows don’t seem to bother you. But I have these poison vials here that are so potent I’m surprised they don't produce a laughing green gas skull when opened.

-And guess what? I’ve been saving a couple these for a special occasion.

-And by special occassion I mean I’m going to jab them directly into your eye sockets and hope I hit brain!

-AH HA! Hurts doesn’t it?! I’ve got plenty more where that came from…. wait, actually I don’t. DAMN IT!

-Fine, maybe I’m all out of ultra mega-poison, but I’ve got plenty of other vials with little skulls on them!

-Stop trying to fly away! JOOR ZAH FRUL! This ends now!

-Wait, you’re out of Hit points, how are you still alive?! What kind of sorcery is this?! Don’t fly away, I need answers!

-No, no, no! You don’t get to talk trash after I just whipped your exceptionally ugly body! Get back here! DAMN IT!

-Paar, buddy? Can you explain ANY part of what just happened?

-One minute I’m minding my own business looking through the vast expanse of time using an ancient scroll and the next minute I’m fighting the world eater on top of a mountain. If you ask me I’m completely innocent in this situation.

-Well, on the plus side, I know I can defeat him, on the downside, I can’t kill him. At least not yet. I’m missing a pretty big part of the equation.

-I could ask Esbern for help, but he spent most of the last decade hiding underground, pooping in a bucket. I like him, but I’m not sure he exactly has his finger on the pulse of the situation.

-I could ask the Greybeards, but with each passing day I trust them less and less. Watching them try to take control the last time Alduin showed up hasn’t exactly inspired confidence.

-That just leaves me with you, Paarthurnax. You’re scary, you have a questionable past and I’m willing to bet a fair portion of your diet rhymes with the word “heople”. But you know what? You seem to have a knack for honesty. 

-Paar seems to think that once word spreads that I’ve bested Alduin some of his generals/allies might be willing to switch sides. Although I believe him, I’m not sure it’s the best idea.

-I mean, we’re talking about a bunch of guys that attended the seminar entitled “The Complete Destruction of Everything Ever” and then signed up for the monthly newsletter. I’m not sure I want those guys on my side.

-I’m pretty sure I want them dead. Maybe even super dead.

-But Paar is right. I’m going to need help bringing Alduin down and who better to know his weaknesses than the jerks he’s been hanging out with?

-Fine, I’ll go talk to these small time jerks and see if I can convince them to go after the grand master jerk. How could that go wrong?

-Heck, maybe I’ll even get lucky and Alduin will manage to kill a few of them in the process. ‘Two birds one stone’ kinda thing.

-Come on, Punchy. I promise wherever we are going next won’t be on a mountain side infested with dragons.

-Probably.

The End of the World Makes for Strange Allies.

Return to Skyrim, Day 20: Alduin the World Eater (Part 1 of 2)

-Paarthurnax, you’re just sinister enough that I trust you.

-So, according to those creepy old dudes living at the top of a different mountain, if I read this scroll I’ll get a glimpse of the last time Alduin gave this world a run for its money.

-Problem is, I don’t trust them. Maybe it’s the beards, maybe it’s the fact that only one of them ever says anything, maybe… maybe it’s a lot of things.

-Also, I’m really not sure I see the benefit in this. Alduin showed up, wrecked up the place, then got beat down by a couple of people with the proper mix of bravery and insanity. Not sure what I can learn by watching that play out. Punchy and I are already pretty brave in a reckless sorta way. I mean, I think we already have all the qualifications we need.

-I guess no time like the present. Let’s just unroll this and MY GOD, SEEING THROUGH TIME IS SO BRIGHT

-Wait, who are these people? Looks like two Nords, the guy seems to have just enough sense to be afraid. The woman, on the other hand, seems like she would fistfight the sun.

-I like her.

-Who’s the old guy that just showed up? He seems to be one of the Greybeards, he also seems to be under the impression he is running the show. I’m not sure he is.

-Well, they dispensed with the first dragon without much issue, this next one… he seems bigger and angrier and….

-Alduin.

-Ok, you know what? Maybe I can learn something from this after all.

-So guys, how DO you kill Alduin? I have my notebook ready.

-Wait? Did I just learn a shout the Greybeard used? Dragonrend? How did that happen?!

-I’ve never understood the implications of time travel and this isn’t helping.

-Geez, Alduin is terrifying, but it looks like Dragonrend really takes the wind out of his sails, or wings. Or whatever.

-Hey! That’s it?! The vision is over?

-If the vision is over why can I still hear Alduin? Maybe the vision is still going? Paarthurnax, where ya going big guy?

-Oh no.

-ALDUIN!

-I… I’m not ready for this! What the.. IT’S RAINING FLAMING ROCKS?!

-Punchy! Get cover! NOW!

-*Thwomp* *Thwomp* The arrows are worthless against him! Not to mention EVERYTHING is on fire!

-Punchy! Come on, back on your feet! Paarthurnax, I need you buy me some time!

-Listen Punchy, you’re not allowed to die! Not here, not now and not to this bastard!

-The question is, how to slow him down... DRAGONREND! How did I forget about something I just learned two minutes ago?!

-Hey Alduin! Do the words JOOR ZAH FRUL ring any bells?! Seeing as how you’re falling out of the sky I’m guessing they do!

-You! YOU! Do you have you any idea how much I HATE you?! This! ALL OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

-Listen Buddy, one of us is going to die on this mountain and I’m entirely too handsome to be a corpse!

-*Thwomp* My god, how thick is your hide?! *Thwomp* This is going to take forever! No no, don’t fly away yet! I’m not done murdering you!

-Oh god, he wasn’t fleeing, HE WAS PREPARING MORE FLAMING ROCKS!

(to be continued)

The only three people in the history of time with less survival instincts than I.