Return to Skyrim, Day 20: Alduin the World Eater (Part 2 of 2)

-ENOUGH! JOOR ZAH FRUL! FIGHT ME, FACE TO FACE!

-My GOD you’re hideous!

-Normal arrows don’t seem to bother you. But I have these poison vials here that are so potent I’m surprised they don't produce a laughing green gas skull when opened.

-And guess what? I’ve been saving a couple these for a special occasion.

-And by special occassion I mean I’m going to jab them directly into your eye sockets and hope I hit brain!

-AH HA! Hurts doesn’t it?! I’ve got plenty more where that came from…. wait, actually I don’t. DAMN IT!

-Fine, maybe I’m all out of ultra mega-poison, but I’ve got plenty of other vials with little skulls on them!

-Stop trying to fly away! JOOR ZAH FRUL! This ends now!

-Wait, you’re out of Hit points, how are you still alive?! What kind of sorcery is this?! Don’t fly away, I need answers!

-No, no, no! You don’t get to talk trash after I just whipped your exceptionally ugly body! Get back here! DAMN IT!

-Paar, buddy? Can you explain ANY part of what just happened?

-One minute I’m minding my own business looking through the vast expanse of time using an ancient scroll and the next minute I’m fighting the world eater on top of a mountain. If you ask me I’m completely innocent in this situation.

-Well, on the plus side, I know I can defeat him, on the downside, I can’t kill him. At least not yet. I’m missing a pretty big part of the equation.

-I could ask Esbern for help, but he spent most of the last decade hiding underground, pooping in a bucket. I like him, but I’m not sure he exactly has his finger on the pulse of the situation.

-I could ask the Greybeards, but with each passing day I trust them less and less. Watching them try to take control the last time Alduin showed up hasn’t exactly inspired confidence.

-That just leaves me with you, Paarthurnax. You’re scary, you have a questionable past and I’m willing to bet a fair portion of your diet rhymes with the word “heople”. But you know what? You seem to have a knack for honesty. 

-Paar seems to think that once word spreads that I’ve bested Alduin some of his generals/allies might be willing to switch sides. Although I believe him, I’m not sure it’s the best idea.

-I mean, we’re talking about a bunch of guys that attended the seminar entitled “The Complete Destruction of Everything Ever” and then signed up for the monthly newsletter. I’m not sure I want those guys on my side.

-I’m pretty sure I want them dead. Maybe even super dead.

-But Paar is right. I’m going to need help bringing Alduin down and who better to know his weaknesses than the jerks he’s been hanging out with?

-Fine, I’ll go talk to these small time jerks and see if I can convince them to go after the grand master jerk. How could that go wrong?

-Heck, maybe I’ll even get lucky and Alduin will manage to kill a few of them in the process. ‘Two birds one stone’ kinda thing.

-Come on, Punchy. I promise wherever we are going next won’t be on a mountain side infested with dragons.

-Probably.

The End of the World Makes for Strange Allies.

Return to Skyrim, Day 20: Alduin the World Eater (Part 1 of 2)

-Paarthurnax, you’re just sinister enough that I trust you.

-So, according to those creepy old dudes living at the top of a different mountain, if I read this scroll I’ll get a glimpse of the last time Alduin gave this world a run for its money.

-Problem is, I don’t trust them. Maybe it’s the beards, maybe it’s the fact that only one of them ever says anything, maybe… maybe it’s a lot of things.

-Also, I’m really not sure I see the benefit in this. Alduin showed up, wrecked up the place, then got beat down by a couple of people with the proper mix of bravery and insanity. Not sure what I can learn by watching that play out. Punchy and I are already pretty brave in a reckless sorta way. I mean, I think we already have all the qualifications we need.

-I guess no time like the present. Let’s just unroll this and MY GOD, SEEING THROUGH TIME IS SO BRIGHT

-Wait, who are these people? Looks like two Nords, the guy seems to have just enough sense to be afraid. The woman, on the other hand, seems like she would fistfight the sun.

-I like her.

-Who’s the old guy that just showed up? He seems to be one of the Greybeards, he also seems to be under the impression he is running the show. I’m not sure he is.

-Well, they dispensed with the first dragon without much issue, this next one… he seems bigger and angrier and….

-Alduin.

-Ok, you know what? Maybe I can learn something from this after all.

-So guys, how DO you kill Alduin? I have my notebook ready.

-Wait? Did I just learn a shout the Greybeard used? Dragonrend? How did that happen?!

-I’ve never understood the implications of time travel and this isn’t helping.

-Geez, Alduin is terrifying, but it looks like Dragonrend really takes the wind out of his sails, or wings. Or whatever.

-Hey! That’s it?! The vision is over?

-If the vision is over why can I still hear Alduin? Maybe the vision is still going? Paarthurnax, where ya going big guy?

-Oh no.

-ALDUIN!

-I… I’m not ready for this! What the.. IT’S RAINING FLAMING ROCKS?!

-Punchy! Get cover! NOW!

-*Thwomp* *Thwomp* The arrows are worthless against him! Not to mention EVERYTHING is on fire!

-Punchy! Come on, back on your feet! Paarthurnax, I need you buy me some time!

-Listen Punchy, you’re not allowed to die! Not here, not now and not to this bastard!

-The question is, how to slow him down... DRAGONREND! How did I forget about something I just learned two minutes ago?!

-Hey Alduin! Do the words JOOR ZAH FRUL ring any bells?! Seeing as how you’re falling out of the sky I’m guessing they do!

-You! YOU! Do you have you any idea how much I HATE you?! This! ALL OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

-Listen Buddy, one of us is going to die on this mountain and I’m entirely too handsome to be a corpse!

-*Thwomp* My god, how thick is your hide?! *Thwomp* This is going to take forever! No no, don’t fly away yet! I’m not done murdering you!

-Oh god, he wasn’t fleeing, HE WAS PREPARING MORE FLAMING ROCKS!

(to be continued)

The only three people in the history of time with less survival instincts than I.

Return to Skyrim, Day 19: Prelude to the Real Deal

-Today is the day I do something new and exciting and really live on the edge... and I don’t mean fight a dragon on a mountain side. That would just be silly.

-Today I’m going to make friends with an orc.

-Urag! My favorite literate orc! What would make your day a bit brighter? You want me to find another book? Sure seems like you got quite a few of those already but anything to see you smile… or, you know, scowl a bit less.

-Huh, it’s not that far away, in fact according to the map I’ve already cleared that area, this will be as easy as.. um… picking up a book.

-Hmm, this place look familiar… and kinda high up. Wait. WAIT… this is a mountain side isn’t it?

-Well, as long as there aren’t any dragons. Lucky for me this place only has this one giant bat. Wait a minute.

-God. Damn. This. MOUNTAIN!

-Foreshadowing, my old nemesis, we meet again!

-Fine! I’m going to have to do this the hard way. EVERYTHING I DO HAS TO BE DONE THE HARD WAY AND I’M STARTING TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

-Damnation! Why is an Ancient Dragon guarding an overdue library book?! Wouldn’t a lock have been sufficient?! Who decided this?!?

-Listen buddy, I just need a book from that box over there, I’ll leave the gold! Maybe you can just let me… WHY MUST I BE SO FLAMMABLE! A simple no would have sufficed!

-You know what? If I’m going to be honest here, and I really try to avoid that whenever possible, I’m kinda glad you’re here and I’m even more glad you’re a jerk. You want to know a little secret?

-I’ve been itching for a fight.

-*Thwomp* *Thwomp* Hey! Guess who hasn’t lost his touch after a year? *Thwomp*

-Guess who also still has problems sidestepping torrents of fire? WWWAAAAHH!

-Can’t see a damn thing! APPARENTLY MY EYES ARE ON FIRE!

-*I can see nothing but flames, However I can hear the Ancient coming back around for a second pass but instead of trying to hit me he tumbles out of the sky. Behind him is Punchy*

-Punchy! You magnificent mad woman! How the hell did you pull him out of the sky?!

-I got it from here! Probably.

-You want to know what’s worst than trying to fight an Argonian? Trying to fight an Argonian that is actively on fire!

20-What the hell! Is your saliva made out of Napalm?! Why am I still on fire?! I DON’T UNDERSTAND!

-That’s it! I’m going to hack my way into your skull and find where you’re hiding the lighter fluid.

-*Hack* If you had just let me take the book! *Slash* Everything would have been so much easier! *HACK*

-I’d still be blissfully not on fire *SLASH*  And you would still have use of your cerebral cortex! *HACK*

-*HACK* ...Just to be certain.

-There we go, we have the Insights of Shalidors that Urag wanted. But, before we drop it off, I think it’s time we take care of another bit of paper with words scrawled on it.

25-Let’s go see what Paarthurnax makes of the Elder Scrolls.

Dragon Rodeo Champion of 2014

Return to Skyrim, Day 18: How to Open One Chapter While Ending Another

-Behold, a creepy door in the dark basement of the school of forbidden arcane arts. I feel like my spidey sense should be going off right about now.

-Lucky for me I don’t have that sense, if I did it would be like one of those faulty car alarms that go off every fifteen minutes.

-Hello? Giant speaking glowing orb? Any chance you’re the Augur of Dunlain? If you’re not could you please direct me to the glowing orb that is?

-We need your help, turns out Savos brought a DIFFERENT giant magic orb into the school because clearly what this place needed was more dangerous magical artifacts.

-Also, let’s just skip over the question of how smart it is to ask one magic orb for advice on how to deal with another one. I’ve had a long day.

-Listen to this joker, Punchy. He thinks all hope is lost! HA! You aren’t exactly the first to tell me things are hopeless. Heck, you’re not even the first floating shape to tell me this.

-It’s at moments like these, when I’m discussing the end of all things with a floating ball of light, that I begin to question my life choices.

-Before I deal with any of this… why am I carrying seven helmets and five pairs of boots?

-It’s been a few months since I’ve played so I have no idea what I was doing. What was I going to do with all these books? Was I planning on opening a mobile library?

-Actually that’s a great idea! Screw all this fighting dragons and arguing with various floating things! I need to settle down with a sensible job and… wait, didn’t I have a house?

-I really should head home and get things sorted out, assuming I remember where I live.

**One trip to Whiterun later**

-Hello, local merchant! Do I have anything I’d like to sell? Depends, are you in the market for an abundance of cabbages?

-Look, I don’t know. At some point I figured I might need one or two cabbages so I did the rational thing and gathered up all the cabbages.

-Just so you know, if you don’t buy these I intend to just throw them all over your store. So unless you want to live in an overflowing bowl of sauerkraut for the rest of your life, you should make me an offer.

-It sure is good to be home again, the friendly merchants, that one chap who talks about the Redguard all the time, that other guy that won’t stop screaming around the fountain. Home, sweet, home.

-Well that’s a face I don’t recognize, Did someone misplace a little girl?

-Listen, little lady, I would give you some food but I just sold all my cabbages. However I do have a few coins you could have. I have to ask though, why are you out here begging?

-Your folks died and your aunt and uncle kicked you out?! As someone who recently killed a gaggle of ice trolls, I ask without irony… what kind of monster does that?

-So here is the deal. I’m not good at a lot of things, in fact I have a very limited skill set. But what I am good at is killing things, bad things. I know you just need a few coins, but what if I throw in the revenge killings for free?

-It won’t be any trouble at all, I’ll track them down, my companion Punchy here will summon a demon who seems to have some kind of rage disorder THEN he will… well, actually the rest of the details aren’t important. Anywho, then I’ll come back and drop you off at the orphanage. Sounds fun, right?

-Wait! Can’t do that, just remembered the last time I was there the orphanage director and I had a bit of a disagreement. She thought it was okay to abuse the kids and I thought her skull would make for suitable arrow storage.

-I won that argument.  I win a lot of arguments actually.

-Ok, Plan B... a long time ago the Jarl of this town gave me a house because I killed a flying lizard with pointy sticks, it’s a long story come to think of it. Anyway, it has a few extra beds and I don’t use it for much, mostly I use it to store my books and cabbages and Lydia.

-What I’m trying to say is I could give you a new home, that is if you don’t mind having a fairly unique family.

-It may not be much but it’s safe. Lucia, welcome home.

-This will be your room, I was using it to store… what the hell was I keeping in here anyway? WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO WITH 124 IRON INGOTS?!

-Also, I really don’t have much to give a child, most of what I own is either razor sharp or has a soul trapped in it, in some cases both, but I did find this doll…

-*The moment Lucia takes the doll she hugs it and smiles*

-My. Frigging. God. That was entirely too adorable! PUNCHY FORGET EVERYTHING ELSE WE NEED TO FIND MORE DOLLS!

-Oh, the dog? Lucia this is Meeko. He’s your lizard dad’s killing doggy.

-Can you keep him? I… I don’t know. Meeko and I have been to some pretty dark places. Vampire caves, zombie caverns, underground cities… and he barked incessantly through all of them.

-You know... I used to have two dogs with me and the first, well, his story ended a while ago…

-Meeko? To be honest I’ve always feared I’d lose you to a bandit or a dragon or any of the other horrible things that you’ve bitten in the face to protect my scaly hide. I.. I think I want your adventure to end here.

-No more bandit fights for you Meeko. From now on you’re going to hang around here and be loved senseless by this little girl.

-Meeko, welcome to your happy ending.

-From here on in it’s just you and me, Punchy. Us versus… well,  everything.  

-Let’s go find our ending.

ADORABLENESS IS AT UNSAFE LEVELS