Return to Skyrim, Day 16: Field Trip

-Ah the great outdoors! I never thought I would miss this eternal blizzard but, after being down at the core of the earth with those freaky little Falmers, this weather is just fantastic by comparison. 

-Hey, is that Talfor over by those mines? What the hell is my magic teacher doing out here with the other students?

-CLASS FIELD TRIP! I hope everyone got their parents to sign the permission slips.

-So we’re just going to roam around this dig site looking for enchanted things? Oh well, still more fun than sitting through another potions class.

-Well, let’s see what we have here, one enchanted ring on the ground and one enchanted necklace on this wall... Punchy, when I picked up that necklace did you hear something? Almost sounded like a gate crashing down behind us trapping us in here, crazy right?

-OH DEAR GOD A GATE HAS CRASHED DOWN AND TRAPPED US IN HERE!

-Talfor? TALFOR?! I don’t mean to cause any alarm, but it appears that we’re trapped in this tiny room and I feel like the walls are closing in around me AND MY CLAUSTROPHOBIA IS STARTING TO FLAIR UP! SO IF YOU COULD GET ME OUT OF HERE BEFORE I SWALLOW MY TONGUE THAT WOULD BE GREAT!

-I’m not panicking! WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT PANICKING! Punchy! Quick, rip my arms off so I can shove my torso through this gate!

-Talfor, you’re going to have to speak up! Someone in here is screaming hysterically and... oh, wait, that might be me.

-Ok, Talfor says I just need to put this necklace on and magic the wall, which is what I’ll do as soon as I can breathe normally.

-Oh thank god! The wall crumbled like stale graham cracker! Freedom! Freedom into a slightly larger enclosed space..... hoorah?

-Looks like we have three coffins and an altar in here. I’m no expert but I think only necromancers and Rush Limbaugh have this kind of interior design.

-Talfor! Any idea what we should do? You seem to be relentlessly calm and rational, I’m not sure how much more of that I can put up with.

-Whoa, why did everyone stop moving? And why is everything now in black and white?! Oh look, a weird ghost guy appearing out of nothing.

-You know, this sort of thing doesn’t even surprise me anymore. If that table over there suddenly turned into a ghost of a pig and said, “In the winter the sun will come,” and then exploded into three headed bunnies I don’t think I would even bat an eye.

-Only I can stop the disaster that is about to unfold? Listen Nerien, I don’t mean to be glib, but which disaster? I mean, just look at my day planner, each page says, “SAVE WORLD, BUY MILK”

-Yep, just disappear without giving me any real details on what the hell is going on! I’ll just figure this out on my own, DAMN YOU! Well, at least everyone is moving again.

-Why do you want to check the coffins Talfor? It's not like they are going to be filled with candy, they are going to be filled with.. *The coffin lids burst off on their own and the room fills with...* ZOMBIES! 

-Arrow for you! and an arrow for you! Hey, don’t bite my dog! You just earned yourself an extra arrow!

-I guess in Soviet Saarthal coffin checks you, eh? EH?!

-Whatever, I thought it was funny.

-If I’ve learned nothing else it’s that zombie Nords are always guarding something valuable. With any luck it’s gold and not something tremendously powerful that no man or woman should ever possess.

-Look down there, it’s one of those super powered Nord zombie men. Watch me drop him from here Talfor and you’ll see why I have little use for your magical parlor tricks.

-Arrow back, arrow flies and finds it’s mark... and bounces harmlessly off his skull and clatters to the ground.

-Oh.... fudge.

-Right, on to plan B, turning his skull into an ax cozy! Prepare for a poorly planned lobotomy! *CLANK* *The ax also bounces off his skull harmlessly*

-Well, I’ve tried pointy sticks and moderately sharp metal. That about covers it for me, just wait for the warm embrace of death then?

-Keep him busy?! What do you want me to do Talfor? Show him adorable pictures of cats?! HE DOESN’T SEEM LIKE THE DISTRACTIBLE SORT!

-Go ahead hit my shield! Eventually your arms will be all stubby and worn down! Just you wait!

-Wait, why did he fall down? Is... is he dead? *Tentatively kicks at the corpse* Talfor, I don’t know what you did, but thank you.

-I don’t see any gold lying around here so I’m guessing those Nords were guarding this orb, this large, ominous, certain to kill a bunch of people, orb. I get the feeling this is what Nerien warned me about.

-I’m going to let the folks in Winterhold know we found the “doom orb”, yeah I know, it seems pretty harmless right now, but a little ghost birdy told me that’s going to change.

The moment before Jyrik Gauldurson was annoyed by an arrow bouncing off his face. 

Return to Skyrim, Day 15: Dwemer Computing for Dummies

-Welcome back to scenic Alftand, town hall is still hanging over the side of the cliff, deal with it!

-According to Septimus the Elder Scrolls are at the bottom of this structure. Then again, according to Septimus, purple is a type of hat, so let’s not assume anything he said is correct.

-Hello? Anyone home? We’re here from the electric company, we just need to go into your basement for a meter reading!

-Nope no one here, just piles and piles of Dwemer stuff. Guess that means we’ll be spending the next hour fighting dozens of robot spiders.

-Ah, a flight of stairs down, I’m sure we don’t have far to go!

-*Twenty minutes and five flights of stairs later*

-Huh... not much here, just some more steps heading down. Surely it can’t be far now!

-*Thirty minutes and six more flights of stairs later*

-Oh good, no steps... just a ramp, a long circular ramp heading down...Just lovely.

-The further down we go the more working Dwemer machinery we find. It’s amazing, with all the technology these folks had none of them ever built an elevator.

-Hey Punchy, wanna bet on what’s behind this door? I’m going to say it’s one of three things, either a talking pony, a giant squirrel OR another ramp going down.

-WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! IT’S A DOWN RAMP! WHAT A SURPRISE! *Begins quietly weeping*

-The welcoming party has finally arrived to greet us. Let’s show them how much we appreciate the hospitality.

-*As three Falmer ascend the circular ramp, I zero in on their point man with my bow. I let the first arrow fly and find my mark in the small of his back, killing him instantly. One of the remaining Falmer begins to frantically look around in an effort to find me, our eyes meet the instant before my second arrow connects with his skull killing him where he stands.*

-*With the element of surprise gone Punchy rushes down the ramp to confront the last Falmer. I sprint to catch up with her but she has too much of a head start, and I watch as the Falmer draws back his ax, a moment before Punchy draws back hers.  I fire a single arrow that zips past the side of Punchy's head and strikes the Falmer in his left shoulder, his momentum and advantage are lost. She brings her Ax blade down on his skull, his lifeless body crumbles under her weight and slides down the ramp before tumbling over the edge into the abyss below.*

-You know, maybe we shouldn’t run around like this when these ramps don’t have railings... or a visible bottom.

-I hear... voices? Not Falmer’s...sounds like cat people. It just wouldn’t be a dungeon crawl without treasure hunters to muck things up.

-Hey, we don’t want any trouble! If you could just point us to the closet ramp heading toward the core of the earth that would be great! Why are you trying to stab me?! Quit it! Fine! Let’s do this the hard way! See! Now there is an arrow in your torso! Are you happy now?!

-From their notes it looks like they’ve been down here a while, I’m guessing insanity settled in not long ago. Funny, I was just thinking what this mission needed was more crazy people with weapons to complicate things.

-Huh, what is this? Looks like more Dwarven machinery. But this one seems to have a spot for a round thingy... Septimus gave me a round thingy! Round thingy goes in round thingy spot!

-Wow, I really need to get back to the College of Winterhold as soon as we’re done here.

-Sphere is in, just need to press this button annndddd IT REVEALS ANOTHER FLIGHT OF STEPS DOWN! DAMN THIS INFERNAL MACHINE!

-Ok listen Punchy, I’m going to open this door and if their is anything other than perfectly level ground before our eyes I’m going to scream till my lungs explode. Try not to panic when it happens.

-I can’t believe it, Blackreach is a real place! I guess even a crazy clock is right twice a day.

-This is actually quite beautiful, I mean for a city that is considered to be in “ruins” it’s in better shape than Riften, even with the killer robots and giant man eating bugs roaming about.

-Are those people? Have the Falmer been keeping slaves down here?! I’m disturbed by this.

-Wait a second, maybe those aren’t slaves! Maybe we went so far down into the earth that we wound up in hell! Wait, I don’t see any Thalmor here, false alarm.

-I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I mean, sure a cube fits in whatever it is, but that’s not exactly super helpful at the moment.

-The Oculory? I may not know what that is, but I have a feeling it's exactly what I’m looking for.

-Whoa, this is the largest piece of Dwemer machinery I have EVER seen. And sure enough the cube fits right into the control panel!

-Ok, this machine is roughly a billion years old and designed to stop people like me from figuring it out. At times like this I’m reminded of something my mother use to say to me, “If you ever find yourself at the control panel of an ancient computer, it’s best to hit all the buttons as fast as possible.”

-*Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky*, What? Don’t look so alarmed Punchy, I totally know what I’m doing. *Clicky* *Clicky* *Clicky *CLICK*

-Well, either I just unlocked this thing or we’re all going to die.

-*The machine slows its movements and the final piece of it descends from the dome ceiling and opens, inside are the Elder Scrolls*

-Button mashing, both the last act of a desperate man and the first act of an impatient one.  

-Let’s take the elevator out of this place and figure out what the hell we do with these scrolls now that we have them.

Opening this only took five thousand frantic button presses.

Return to Skyrim, Day 14: The Lighthouse

-Welcome to scenic Alftand, our major exports are frozen corpses and despair.

-Jeez, what the hell happened here?! I count two frozen dead guys, one house that was burnt down, another that had its roof removed and another that is both missing a roof AND hanging over the side of cliff. I’ve seen less damage after a Mothra attack.

-Punchy, Meeko? This is going to be our most challenging mission yet, it will require all of our strength, energy and focus. Trust me when I say.... wait, is that a lighthouse in the distance?! I LOVE lighthouses! Let’s go there!

-What? It’s not like Blackreach is going anywhere! Hell, Blackreach probably isn’t even real! You were there Punchy, Septimus was two and a half points of crazy away from claiming his robe was made of beetles! You coming with me or not?   

-Ah, look at this place! It's so majestic! So beautiful! Sooo... decorated with a dead horse.

-Excuse me? Anyone home? We were just passing through and noticed that your horse seemed a little less upright than it should be.....

-*We enter the main living area and find ourselves in what resembles a crime scene; what remains, from what was clearly a struggle, is little more than scattered belongings, puddles of blood and two bodies--one of a large bug and the other of a woman*

-My... God. Right, let’s find out what the hell just happened here, according to her diary we have three MIA’s, a husband named Habd and.... two kids. *deep sigh*

-Hello?! Anyone else alive up here that isn’t a murderous bug?! Nope, no one else, let’s check the basement.

-Everything here seems to be in order, boxes neatly stacked, food stored away for the winter and a large hole in the wall that leads to the unknown. Pretty standard basement.

-We should move quickly, we have no idea how long ago the husband came down here in a bug killing blood lust, he and the kids might still be alive.

-Why are there little houses down here? Bugs don’t build houses, right? These almost look like Falmer houses... Damn it! I HATE Falmers, they have those weird little eyes and those terrible pointy teeth! and somehow those aren’t even the worst parts of their miserable little faces!

-I think... I think I see a holding pen in the next clearing. I only see one guard *THWAMP* and he won’t be a problem.

-*Prying the doors of the holding pen open* Your rescue is here! We....*sigh* we’re too late. It’s the girl...

-She left a note, sounds like her brother was dragged off by the Falmer and Habd was poisoned. This is not looking promising. Then again these are Nords, if anyone can walk off a poisoning it’s a Nord, right?

-Another clearing... don’t see any Falmers, let’s move... WAIT I WAS WRONG! GIANT BUGS! GIANT BUGS EVERYWHEEERRREEEE!!! AAAHHH!!!

-*In an instant Punchy is on the closest one, she brings her ax blade down on its skull and death is instant. I quickly draw back the first arrow and send it through the second bug's torso, his partner meet a similar fate*

-Damn it! It’s the brother... looks like he managed to get out of his pen before he died.

-I have to admit, this is the most depressing lighthouse I’ve been in all week.

-The path seems to lead to this cliff, look at it down there, it’s giant bug central! I can’t quite draw a bead on them with my bow from up here.... I just need to get a bit closer to the edge... just another inch....almost got them in my sights..... wwwwwwAAAAHHH!!!!

-Oh nonononoNONONO! I’M DOWN HERE ALONE WITH MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF BUGS! FIRE! FIRE FOR ALL OF YOU!

-Punchy? Meeko? ...guys?! GUYS?! FRIENDS DON’T LEAVE FRIENDS IN PITS FILLED WITH BUGS!

-Fine, I can do this alone. It’s not like Punchy is the hero and I’m the sidekick... oh god who am I kidding! That’s exactly how it is!

-*I enter a large clearing, it appears to be the center of the nest, several workers mill about the largest of the bugs in the middle of the room. I have found their queen.*

-*Twhomp!* This started as a goddamn rescue mission! *Twhomp!*  But thanks to you bastards all I have left is revenge!  *Twhomp!*

-Well now that your lackeys are arrowed it’s just you and I...king lizard versus queen bug...and if you’ve ever seen a nature show, you know who's going to win this fight...

-*The Queen charges, but it’s too late, my arrow has found its mark in her skull. She collapses to the ground, lifeless*

-Time for my favorite part of the job, checking the stomach contents of large dead creatures for treasure.

-What's this? Habd’s skull... oh... you poor bastard, those freakish little monsters fed you to the queen...

-*one slow walk back to the main basement level later....*

-Hey! Glad to see you guys are alive and well. The good news is I found Habd, the bad news is I only found his partially digested skull.

-*I find myself lingering in the main living space of the lighthouse. I  imagine this family in happier times, before everything fell apart. I re-read their journals in an effort to piece their past together in my mind.*

-According to his wife’s diary, Habd wanted to be cremated at the top of the lighthouse when he died... I know this isn’t exactly how he planned his end, but the least we can do is fulfill his final wish.

-So I guess I should do the eulogy or something?

-We are gathered here today to commit the earthly remains of a brave man to his eternal resting place... in the beacon of the lighthouse he so bravely tried to defend. He died with honor, and courage...

-May we all be fortunate enough to die with such purpose.


-Alright, we better get going or their are going to be a bunch more heroes to bury.

Habd's legacy: More useful than most legacies.