Return to Skyrim, Day 10: Evil and Other Miscalculations

-You know what I haven’t done yet? A single truly evil deed.

-I mean, I’m like some kind of scaley boy scout. I should do something evil... I SHOULD MURDER AN ENTIRE TOWN!

-Wait, no. That’s too evil. I SHOULD TORMENT THIS GOAT! Hmm, no... not evil enough.

-Maybe I should just steal something? There we go, that seems just wrong enough!

-Ooooh, I should totally steal the statue of Dibella, some crazy begger told me I should do it and if you can’t trust people muttering to themselves who can you trust?

-I really need to re-consider my policy of accepting quests from everyone, even the insane and rambling.

-Ok, so this should be easy enough, just sneak around, take the statue and go. Also, I’m sure most thieves bring their wife and dog along on the job. I don’t see how they could possibly be a hindrance.

-Ok, we’re in. Listen, let’s keep our heads down and barking to an absolute minimum. So help me Meeko, if I catch you barking at NOTHING AT ALL, I will leave you at the first dog pound I find!

-Geez, this place is packed with followers... gotta keep my head down... move like a shadow.. BE the shadow...

-I can see the statue! My god being evil is fun! Why wasn’t I informed of the joys of evil before this? Punchy, why didn’t you... wait, you’re not Punchy! DAMN IT!

-What was I doing here? Well.. I, um, you see.. I was LOOKING FOR MY DOG! Bad Meeko! BAD! Don’t ever run off like that again! Now that I have my dog I’ll just be... not going anywhere.

-Listen, can we avoid involving the local guards? If I’ve learned nothing else from my time in Skyrim, no matter how righteous you may seem you need someone, somewhere dead. I’m sure we can come to some sort of arrangement, if you catch my drift.

-You need a child? WAIT, alive right?! I mean I’m all for making a deal here, but I have zero problem with hacking my way out of this building if I need too.

-Oh.. alive, ok then. I guess that’s fine, is she going to come along willingly or are you asking me to kidnap a child? Because again, my original plan was a murderous rampage and THAT PLAN IS STILL UNDER CONSIDERATION.

-Oh, willingly... Fine, I guess I’ll just walk out of here... I didn’t want to rampage anyway... *kicks a rock*

-This should be easy enough, I just need to go to the local village and ask some poor farmer to hand over his daughter... to a bipedal lizard. Yep, pretty sure that should go smoothly.

-*knocks on door* Yeah, hi! So, how are you doing? So listen, some crazy women that live in a temple think it would be great if your daughter came with me to go live in said crazy temple. Sounds great, right?!

-Kidnapped? By someone else?! Mister, you have one popular daughter. Any idea where she is?

-Forsworn you say? Do I have experience with them? Yeah, you could say that.

-Can I find her? I don't know what they want. If they are looking for a ransom, I can tell you I don't have much gold. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, some of them are even at 100.  Skills I have acquired over a very long play session. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like them. If they let your daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for them, I will not pursue them... 

-But if they don't, I will look for them, I will find them, and I will kill them.

-PUNCHY, HIGH FIVE! Man, I’ve been WAITING TO GIVE THAT SPEECH FOREVER! I can’t believe I finally found an appropriate time and place!

*One quick journey to a Forsworn hideout later...*

-Attention Forsworn! I am out of witty movie quotes but I do have an abundance of arrows!

-Hey you, where’s the girl? Fine, don’t want to talk...*thwomp*. You! Over there! Where’s the girl? *thwomp* Hey! I need a straight answer from someone, you there, buddy, WHERE IS THE GIRL?! DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID ABOUT HAVING ARROWS?! *Thwomp*

-You sir look a bit fancier than the general forsworn member. I bet you know where the girl is. *thwomp* DAMN MY MURDEROUS REFLEX!

-Oh thank god, she’s here, tucked away in this closet!

-Hey little girl, listen, I know I don’t look the part but I assure you I’m one of the good guys. Now I need you to come with me and try not to look around too much....

-*The girl looks around and sees one of the dead forsworn and begins to scream*

-Damn it! I need you to just follow and... yeah, that guy is dead too... please, the screaming isn’t necessary! Wait! Don’t look over there! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT TO FIND PILED UP BEHIND THAT TABLE?!

-Sir, I’ve found your daughter. She is alive and well... do...do you want me to tell the sisters of Dibella that I found her?

-I mean, moving to the temple seems like it would be a permanent thing. Right now no one but you and my team know she is alive, we could just say she screamed herself to death and she could stay here with you.

-You think she will have a better life in the temple? I... suppose. As you wish.

-Sisters of Dibella, I came here to steal a statue so I could roll around in a big pile of evil deeds and instead I wound up delivering to you an innocent child.

-...To be honest I’m not entirely sure stealing her away from her family to live in a temple filled with fanatics was the best choice.

-Punchy, the next time I start talking about the glories of being evil, remind me of how I feel right now...

Praying to Dibella for the self control to never listen to Dibella again.

Detour to Rapture, Part 3: Dr. Much Worse Than Horrible

<Dragonface>
Have a festive Thanksgiving!
</Dragonface>
 ---------------------------------
 <Sharlene>

-Look nurse lady, I’m pretty sure you need a permit for that chainsaw.

-This is the worst medical pavilion I have ever seen!

-THERE IS NO MEDICINE HERE

-I have no more room for first aid...HOW DO I USE THE FIRST AID?!

-Everyone's whining about looking pretty, I’m pretty sure that all of Rapture is built on people with low self esteem.

-"MAKE ME LOOK PRETTY!!!!" ...maybe these bullets will help?

-I’m enjoying all the cockney accents here, it almost makes up for the absolute terror of walking through here.

-”Why do we have two eyes?” Last I checked, we need binocular cues for depth percept..oh AAAHHH!!

-WHY ARE YOU EXPLODY?

-Eternal flame?  AAHH ROASTY BODIES WHY

-Issss this buuurning an enternal flaaaaaaame!

-HEY! more Kool-aid!

-That’s a spicy-meat-a-ball!

-people oh gods! AAAHHH FIRE EVERYWHERE WHATS GOING ON!?! oh that was me...

 -I had blood on my hands but it burned off, hooray?

-”Parasites will not be tolerated” I didn’t know that Mitt Romney was in Rapture.

-HOW DO I GET TO SURGERY?!

-...But I hate the dentist.

-GAAAHH DARKNESS!!

-THIS IS NOT OK!!

-Oh, ok light now, much better.

-But I don’t want my telekinesis, I WANT MY LIGHTNING!!

-Why? Because Storm is cooler than Jean Grey!

-YOU PEOPLE ALL HAVE ISSUES WITH YOUR FACE ITS WORSE THAN THAT EPISODE OF THE TWILIGHT ZONE

-Too..symmetrical?  I mean what? That’s the definition of beauty OH GOD HES COMING FOR ME!!

-HOW DO I GUN?!

-OH GOD THAT WAS FIRE!

-I’m sorry Dr. Horrible dude man thing, but I need something in your guts.

-OMG PEOPLE EVERYWHERE WHY?!

-creepy little girl thing, what do I do with you...

-I think I’ll obey Molotov Cocktease up there, I don’t want her to whip me.

-LOOK ATLAS I DO WHAT I WANT

-OH JESUS I'M BEING DRILLED

-YOU LAZY HACKED TURRETS WHY WON’T YOU HELP ME!!

-I’m being big daddy-ed!

-guess I’ll save you too.

-Can I shoot you after I’ve saved you?..crap! sorry! *quick reload*

-*carefully does not use hyperactive trigger finger*

-Alrighty then, back to the pod apparently...

-GAH GRENADE DUDE WHY

-I’m just gonna run...yea that’s a good idea.

-WHY GRENADES?! Do you know what’s gonna happen if you blow a hole in the wall?

-I don’t think anyone down here is suffering from plasmid sickness, I just think everyone here has the bends and they never treated it...
</Sharlene> 

ObamaCare is way worse than republicans would have us believe

 

Detour to Rapture, Part 2: Incorrect Uses For Kool-aid and Other Mistakes

<Dragonface>
Welcome to the second Bio-Shock entry from Sharlene who is filling in for my total lack of posting about Skryim. Without her help this blog would no longer be able to support itself and would fail. What I'm saying is, Sharlene is my Blog FEMA, or BLEMA if you will.

I know people questioned the value of BLEMA, but I'm certain you will agree with me when I say our $50 million tax dollars are well spent if it means we get to keep the lights on here at "How to Protect Your Knees" a little bit longer.

Till next time...
</Dragonface>
 ---------------------------------------
<Sharlene>
 -I guess I should look around..?

-Doot doot doot AH! oh, its just a flickering light...

-Ooh Kool-aid...*injects it into my arm* WAIT that’s not how you drink Kool-aid!

-DUDE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! HAVE YOU NEVER HAD KOOL-AID BEFORE?!

-For the record squeeze bottles were the best.

-I’d like to imagine that this is exactly what would happen if I injected myself with Kool-aid.

-Why is the joker here, and why is he talking about taking my virginity?

-That’s a big drill *wink*

-That was the worst waterslide ever.

-What in the hell, QUIT TRASH TALKING MY SISTER!

-Why is there a cat down here  OH GOD SORRY I hit a cat...

-So electricity from my fingertips eh?...does NO ONE SEE how this is THE WORST IDEA under WATER?!

-TO HELL WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ATLAS!

-Goddammit fine, I suppose I can help...

-Plasmids ruined everything....Sooooo, WHY DID YOU LET ME DRINK THE PLASMID KOOL-AID?!

-Oh neat a gun!

-FRIGGIN?! WHAT GHOST-O-VISION?! No no no nonono NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!

-I can drink vodka in this game...oh it hurts me? Just like real life.

-Gain health from smoking...Say what now?

-A dark hallway...oh geez, guess where I REALLY don’t want to go....

-COME ON isn’t there ANY OTHER WAY AROUND?!

-...lower the weapon?!...NO DUDE, FRIG THAT NONSENSE!

-This is all like, horror survival 101.

-Hello creepy little girl and big dudeface, *taps shoulder* you wouldn’t happen to know how to get to...OH GOD I”M SORRY I JUST WANTED TO ASK A QUESTION!

-JESUS WHAT WHATS GOING ON OH GOD EVERYONE SEES ME WHHHHYYYY...WHERE DID ALL MY BULLETS GO?!

-The Medical Pavilion?..I hate medical places in horror games.

-Its like “Parasite Eve” all over again, except I can’t make my sister play through the parts where I walk through the morgue.

-Hey hellocopter gun thing, you will be my friend!

-I swear I did not mean to shoot you! These controls are difficult...

-GAH WHY! WHY SO MANY BUNNY MASKS?!

-Let this be a lesson, this is what happens to you if you half-ass being a furry!

-Why are there like 80 nurses and I haven’t seen a single doctor? I have a bone to pick with the medical program here in Rapture.
</Sharlene>

Your looking for the Pavilion? Just take a left at... wait, I mean.. GRRRRRAAAHHHH

Detour to Rapture, Part 1: Opening

<Dragonface>
So Skyrim is like, super huge! And it's taking me a bit of time to work my way through it and every so often Steam has a sale and I buy some damn game for $2 and I get distracted... FORGIVE ME I'M ONLY HUMAN! So first, let me assure you, Dragonface will one day go scale to scale with Alduin, but right now I'm dealing with zombies or ghosts...or whatever the hell it is that is trying to kill me in "Lone Survivor," seriously, I think they are zombies, but their heads wobble all of the place like they are at a Ska concert every time I see them and honestly I'm more confused than afraid.

So in the meantime my friend Sharlene has been nice enough to do a few entries to keep this blog afloat with BioShock fueled comedy. I think this is the part where I would copy and paste a pre-approved Bio (and yes, she has one because she does stand-up comedy here in NY, and has her own comedy website which is currently down for re-tooling) but that seems way too formal. So what should I say about Sharlene?

Well this one time she asked me to help her move and I when I got to her apartment, I swear to god, it looked like a woman had exploded in there. Clothes were everywhere, there was a hair dryer balanced on a TV and a bunch of stuff in a closet that she couldn't pack because they were at the top and she couldn't reach them, how did they get up there in the first place? She had no idea. I mean, when people ask you to help them move you assume they have ALREADY ACTUALLY PACKED, but no, no she hadn't. God, don't even bring up the air conditioner! 

Right, so besides the whole moving thing Sharlene is lovely, trusted and most importantly at this exact moment, very funny.

Without further ado...

Welcome to Rapture.
</Dragonface>

<Sharlene>
In honor of halloween, I’ll be playing Bioshock after having consumed a cup of coffee, which is a lot for me... also I’m bad at shooters and don’t deal well with jumpy things... also I’ve never played Bioshock before.

-OH GOD THE WATER!!!  How in the... am I supposed to do something?  This is a cut scene right?

-FIRE AND WATER JESUS WHY AM I NOT MOVING...oh.

-Hey look, some stairs, in the middle of nowhere...that’s...great.

-It’s like finding the top of the Chrysler building after Sandy.

-I’m a jerk.

-I also feel like LOST started this way.

-DARK DOOR OH JESUS MY HEART (switches to windowed mode for the sake of her safety)

-WHY DID IT CLOSE?! What if I want to grab my luggage?

-...lights? GAH! oh, ok...stairs...hey look its a capsule the size of my Manhattan apartment...

-But I don’t want to pull the lever, what if I just want to sit...WHERE IS THE SIT OPTION DAMMIT?

-Who left this Tony award underwater?

-...AH MUSIC, oh hello dude.

-But I hate being sweaty...

-HEEEEELLLLOOOOOAOAHAHAHAAGGGGH 

-WHAAAAEEELLLLEEEEDGHSEGFJSGOLKBHDYRG...Man I’m great at speaking whale to that whale!

-...so...this city full of lights...underwater...HOW IS EVERYTHING NOT BEING ELECTROCUTED ALL THE TIME?!

-OH JESUS ITS THE SCHOOL NURSE FROM MY NIGHTMARES!!!

-I swear Mrs. Thompson, all of my nosebleeds in 4th grade were legit!!!

-OH GOD WHY! IS THIS GLASS HOOK PROOF!? WHERE IS MY GUN?!

-...probably needed to fish it from the debris OH GOD NOW THE RADIOS GLOWING?! oh wait a minute...

-Hello? This is Dog?

-You want me to WHAT? leave the BUBBLE?! ...no.

-CHRIST WHY!

-TRUST YOU FLOATING VOICE NAMED ATLAS!? BUT I HATE AYN RAND!

-OH GOD, oh, hey a turret thing.

-Wrench? oh I’m Mario now!

-WHY’D YOU THROW A COUCH AT ME?! WHO DOES THAT?!

-Eat wrench! Yea that’s how we do it in mushroom kingdom bitch.
</Sharlene>

Here at Euro-Value Jet we are proud of our 15% spontaneous combustion rate.

Return to Skyrim, Day 9: The Afterlife and Muffins

-You know what I’m missing in my life? A horse... and a savings account, and a sensible business suit I can wear to job interviews. I think of these three problems the easiest to remedy is the horse one. 

-Good sir, I have come to your humble stable to purchase a horse. I’d like a horse that looks like he has seen the horrors of the world but manages to be amazingly handsome in the face of despair.  

-Sir, I would like a horse version of myself.

-One Thousand gold for a horse? That is rather cheap. Wait, I want to make sure, this is the price for a “complete” horse, yes? We’re not talking about a horse brisket or “build-it-yourself” horse, right?

-Sir, I’ll be completely honest. Besides being able to identify which animals are in fact horses, I don’t know anything about them.

- Ah yes, clearly this here is a fine horse... with all these legs.. and a tail.. and a head. Yep, that’s a horse all right. I’ll take it.

-Okay horse, I don’t know you and you don’t know me but I’m going to get on your back and you’re gonna let me ride you and this will NOT be awkward. I mean, lizards ride horses all the time, I assume.

-This horse needs a name, hmmm, I know! Muffins! Muffins the horse!

-Let’s put this horse to good use and track down a ghost... yet again, another sentence I never thought I would have the need to say.

-Ok, according to Dinya Balu, a lone ghost wanders these plains looking for her lost love. For once I’m going to do the smart thing and emotionally distance myself from this mess.

-Now if I was a ghost looking for another ghost where would I go? Hmm, well according to this here map the answer is, near a lone monument in the middle of an open field.. an open field that was once a battle ground...

-Wait, am I starting to care? No! You listen here me, you are NOT allowed to care about this, at all! ever!

-Excuse me, Ruki? I can’t help but notice you are all glowy and translucent.  I’ve heard you were looking for someone, I thought maybe I could help.

-You... you are looking through the bodies to find your husband? My lady, I.. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I don’t see any bodies here. 

-"How can I not see them?" I don’t think I understand the question. Listen, all I see here is some overgrown grass and a monument to war that occurred hundreds of years ago! Listen to me! There are no bodies here! None at all, what you’re looking for … oh... oh god....

-Now I get it, you... you don’t know you’re dead.

-Damn it, why did my hands just go cold? I’m not caring about this. Okay hands, you better start circulating before I get upset.

-Miss? I don’t see your husband here, maybe I should check his base camp. Maybe he is there, okay?

-Just wait here. Somehow, I don’t think that will be a problem for you Ruki.
-Fenrig? I can’t help but notice you standing out here alone in the middle of nothing looking all transparent... what do you mean “Don’t I see all the men?” Listen, I see where this conversation is going. let’s just cut to the chase. Ruki, she needs to see you.

-"Is there something wrong?" You’d be surprised at how complicated the answer to that question is.
-Just follow me and, well, I don’t know if we can sort this out, but we can try.

-Ruki! I have someone here to see you, but before you turn around you need to promise me you won’t say anything emotionally charged.

-”Fenrig! You’re alive!”, damn it woman! We JUST talked about this!

-”..the battle isn’t until tomorrow.” My god, how long has Fenrig been waiting for a tomorrow that he didn’t realized had already passed?

-”Fenrig, what is happening?!”, actually that is a really good question, are you two floating away?

-So that was it, they needed one another before they could ascend and leave this place and they waited hundreds of years to do just that.

“Ruki, it doesn’t matter, we are together now...”, god damn it! can’t you two just be happy AND non-dramatic?! Jerks.

-Well, another mission accomplished and done with only the slightest amount of caring.

-.... or quite a lot of caring, or something.

Pictured: Dedication

Not sure why, but this was the song I listened to the most while putting this post together. Enjoy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYeYold6Uys&feature=related, Audiomachine - “The Truth”

Return to Skyrim, Day 8: Hand Gestures and Other Distractions

-The end of the world waits for no man, or lizard. Time to head to Karthspire.

-Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you don’t mind that we’re fashionably late but I have a really good excuse! Punchy and I decided to... DRAGONS?! Already? What the hell guys! You started without me?!

-Also, why didn’t anyone tell me Karthspire had a Forsworn infestation? This seems like something someone should have mentioned during the basement debriefing.

-**The dragon has clearly taken a beating at the hands of Forsworn, but upon my arrival it changes its path, circles back and decides I’m now the prime target, I draw back my arrow and, in what may prove to be my most “badass” moment yet, I send a single arrow into his skull, killing him in mid-flight, his lifeless body falls out of the sky and crashes to the ground in a mangled heap.**

-HOOOOOOOOooooo! WooooOOOOOOOOooooo! MY GOD DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT?! In certain countries I would now be considered a deity!

-Wait, where did that dead guy come from? Did you do that Punchy? You mean to tell me killing people is more interesting than watching me in action? Why aren’t you busy admiring my handy work?

-Didn’t you see?! That dragon was all like, “ROAR! I’m a dragon!” and I was all like, “I’m the king lizard not you!” and he was like, “I’M GOING TO EAT YOU!” and I was like, “YOU’RE GOING TO EAT ARROWS!” and THEN HE DID!

-*I Motion with my hands mimicking a dragon crashing into the ground while making slow-motion crashing noises*

-You know your problem Punchy? You don’t appreciate good story telling.

-Punchy, where are you running off too? RIGHT! We were in the middle of a battle! Oh Punchy, where would I be without you watching my back while I boast?

-Hey Forsworn, what makes you think you have any chance against us? If the arrows don’t bring you down, the Nord will and if she doesn’t the dog will... and if they don’t I can only assume a passing bandit will. Skyrim really is not a safe neighborhood.

-Who the hell is that old guy summoning rock monsters over there? Time to take a seat old man *Thwomp*!

-Huh, that old guy looked a bit like Esbern.... now that I think about it, where IS Esbern? I... I mean, he kinda looked like Esbern.... sorta... a bit.... a lot. CRAP, IT WAS ESBERN!

-I’m so sorry! so SO sorry! Esbern, talk to me! Are you okay?! I totally didn’t think it was you! I thought I was arrowing a crazy old man, YOU CAN SEE HOW I BECAME CONFUSED!

-Wow, you are just going to walk that off, huh? You are one tough old man. I hope I can take an arrow to the face like that when I’m your age.

-Let’s clean up this Forsworn rabble; storm the gates!

-Honestly I don’t see gates anywhere, but I’m feeling very melodramatic at the moment. Please, bare with me.

-*Thwomp* That’s the last of them. Everyone present and accounted for? Delphine! How good to see you, and even better to see that I didn’t accidentally arrow you in the skull.

-Well, after all that excitement, do we finally get to set foot in the hallowed halls of the Blades old home? I wonder what magical items remain?

-Welcome to Sky Haven, the former home of the bravest warriors this world has ever known.

-MY GOD WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS PLACE? I mean, are you guys sure all the other Blades are dead and not just buried under all this crap?

-Clearly in your massive armory you didn’t have anything resembling a mop.

-Huh, a full set of Blades armor, hope you two don’t mind, but I’m going to take this and save it for a special occasion. I mean, I’m going to need something fancy to be buried in, right?

-Looks like Esbern and Delphine are going to clean this place up, let’s go Punchy, we have a few stops to make before we start trying to hunt down the world eater.

Story time with (crazy old) Esbern

Return to Skyrim, Day 7: A Lizard for Every Nord

-I guess I should go tell the priests of Mara the good news about Klimmek and Fastred, I’m sure they are going to want to celebrate by sending me on another match-making quest.

-Good ole’ Riften! The only city where I feel safer in its sewers than I do on its streets.

-You know what this town needs? A bigger prison. I mean, would anyone be against just building a giant cage around the entire city? I’m really not seeing a downside to this.

-How does one become a Priest of Mara anyway? I asked this questions months ago and I still don’t have a satisfactory answer. Until someone tells me otherwise I’m just going to assume it is done via a raffle.

-Dinya Balu, how goes it my peaceful priestess? Listen, I took care of the situation in Ivarstead, and I don’t mean to brag, but I didn’t even kill anyone.

-I know, I’m surprised too! Turns out there is something called “mediation” and, get this, you can’t shoot it out of a bow or set someone on fire with it!

-Personally I’m not a fan, but I can see how it would be useful sometimes....occasionally... rarely.... that one time.

-So do you need me to fix another relationship? I knew it! Here is a question for you, have you actually looked into my body of work? I mean, I’ve killed more people than the last plague, what makes you think I’m qualified to help people work out their differences and fall in love? -Wait, don’t walk away from me! I was trying to tell you how not qualified I am! You.. WAIT! DAMN IT! Exactly how many people do I need to kill to prove my point?

-Fine, whatever. This isn’t the first time I’ve been given a task for which I am completely unqualified for. Ooooh, I know! I'll put on my amulet of Mara! That will totally raise my credibility!

-*Puts on Amulet of Mara* Ah, that reminds me, Punchy could you take this... wait, new dialogue option? “Are you interested in me?”, what, like do you want to know my hobbies?

-You ARE interested in me? Well, let me say, I enjoy archery, hunting down bandits, stealing boots off dead people and.. wait, that’s not what you’re asking.

-WAIT! WHAT?! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE!?!  

 
-This relationship we have, it’s professional, right? I mean, I trust you to watch my back and you trust me to watch yours. That’s what we have here, trust and... huh... well, I guess... I guess that is actually pretty damn important in this world.

-You know what? This world is most likely coming to an end, and if it is I can’t think of any other collection of pixels I want with me when this all gets blown apart.

-Yeah, let’s do this.

-I mean, it can’t go any worse than my real life marriage, right?

-(Dear wife, I am aware you are reading this and I am certain you will understand the humor of the above statement. If not, remember you knew what you were getting into from the very beginning. In summary, you have no one to blame but yourself. )

-(Also, please don’t punch me in my neck again while you are “sleeping”, last time that happened I was pretty sure I was going to die.)

-Hey Dinya! Guess what? I’ve decided to make a crazy and rash decision and I need your help, how much does it cost to rent this temple for a ceremony?

-It seems wrong to get married in armor and to be honest I don’t know where one finds a tailor at this hour, I guess we can make due with various clothing items we have taken from dead people. Pretty sure that is what most people do anyway.

-Oh look! Everyone showed up for the ceremony, even Lydia!

-Maramal, not to rush you, but the sooner you pronounce us Lizard and wife the sooner we can get back to saving the world.

-”...may they journey forth together in this life and the next, in prosperity and poverty, and in joy and hardship. Do you agree to be bound together, in love, now and forever?"

- "I do. Now and forever", not only because it’s the right thing to do, but we are also doing this for all the oppressed cross species couples in Skyrim!... which I assume are being oppressed... I think... I mean, it seems probable.

-Wow, I mean, WOW... this is by far the most insane thing that has happened so far and this is coming from a SIX FOOT TALL BIPEDAL LIZARD that once watched a dragon fight two giants, a mammoth, and a bear.

-Is it time for me to stop calling you Punchy and start calling you by your real name, Uthgerd?
-Well folks, thanks for coming to the ceremony, but Punchy and... I mean, my wife and I have to go and save the world, wish us luck! I suppose you should also wish yourselves luck.

-... also, we are registered at “Belethor's General Goods” and we could really use some kitchenware and arrows, no pressure, just saying. Thank you!

All wedding photography done by the F12 key.

Return to Skyrim, Day 6: This is Crazy

-You know what I find disappointing right now? Everything.

-I’ve messed up, I know it. No way to make it better either. I should solve this problem in the most healthy way I know how. *checks map* Where is the nearest Tavern?

-Ivarstead, a simple farming community filled with simple people... that will one day fill Alduin’s stomach.

-What? You think these people could stop Alduin, Punchy? The sharpest weapon in this entire town is that sheep. Esbern is right, Alduin is going to eat everything and this stupid town isn’t even going to count as an h’ourder... h’orderov... appetizer.

-So you want to venture out of this village young lady? Tell me, Fastred, where do you wish to go? RIFTEN? REALLY!? Look, if you need someone to steal all your money just let me know. I can save you a trip.

-You know what? I’m going to tell your parents you’re an idiot. Also, that they are bad parents.... want to go to Riften... kids these days... *disgruntled mumbling*

-Hey! Jofthor! Yeah you! Is that your daughter? If so you SUCK at parenting! She aspires to travel to RIFTEN! Yeah, that’s right, RIFTEN! She might as well aspire to die in a fire!

-She wants to leave because of a boy? Oh... well. I suppose that explains all the poor life choices.

-.... and he is an arrogant talentless poet? With no real life skills? Listen, from one parent to another, I can kill him for you. No, I’m so serious right now. I mean, a giant dragon is going to eat us all in a week or two anyway, so this really isn’t that big of a deal.

-Right, no murdering. Listen, I’m going to have a little talk with Bassianus the poet. I’ve been told I can be very... persuasive.

-Bassianus, I just meet you, and this is crazy, but I’m a bipedal lizard, run for your life maybe?

-Wait! You mean I can solve this problem without violence? I... I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with a solution that doesn’t end with arrows in skulls.

-You mean, another villager has fallen in love with Fastred? Klimmek, he is a decent chap with an unfortunate name and an abundance of common sense. AH! And look who just walked into the Tavern!

-Klimmek, I’ve already meet you, and this is crazy, but I … DAMN IT! I’m sorry, I got this friggin’ song stuck in my head. Anyway, I’ve heard you had a thing for Fastred and that then you didn’t.

-Look I’m a six foot tall lizard so I’m completely qualified to give you life advice, but first I need to ask you something. Do you still love her?

-Ok, so you do, so call me crazy, but maybe she should know this?

-Listen buddy, I like you so I’m going to level with ya. This is all so temporary... even more so because the world is ending in the next week or so... anyway, tell the people you love how you feel. You never know when this is all going to go away... or when they are going to turn into stone in some cavern filled with vampires...

-Damn right, you are going to tell her! Go, GO NOW! RUN KLIMMEK, RUN!

-Ok, let’s get close enough to hear what is going on but not close enough to be a distraction. What? I’m entitled to know how this ends, Punchy! And no, I don’t really care, why would I care about some stupid villagers and their stupid feelings... or how stupid this is... just sayin’.... it’s stupid.

  

-HA! She loves him too! How lovely! I’m so hap... I mean... whatever.

-This game needs a “Give a subtle highfive” option.

-Enjoy the rest of your lives Klimmek and Fastred. With any luck, that will be more than a week.

Fastred parents. Not just are they bad at parenting, but they have a bizarre drinking problem.

Song for this post: “Call Me Maybe” - Carly Rae Jepsen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWNaR-rxAic) (I really didn’t have a choice, I forgot how the chorus went and, well, it all went downhill from there)