Return to Skyrim, Day 17: The Winterhold Public Library, Black-Ops Division (Part 2 of 2)

-I guess this summoner never heard the old adage, never bring a flame atronach to an arrow fight.

-Go ahead and try to summon something to bring me down *He summons a very violent flame atronach*

-Right, okay, now try doing that with an arrow stuck in your brain! HA! See, not so easy now, is it?!

-Three summoners at once? This hardly seems fair.... to the summoners.

-I COMPLETELY MISJUDGED THE AMOUNT OF FIRE THREE SUMMONERS COULD PRODUCE!

-New self rule...remember that pride comes before your skin bursts into flames.

-Okay, this looks like the last room. If I know anything about summoners, it’s that they have a flair for the dramatic. I’m guessing this room will be large, filled with idiots and the main idiot will be right in the middle of the room.

-Not even going to look, when the doors open, I’m firing an arrow into the middle of the room...

-On my mark Punchy, Three, Two, One....

-*The doors open, the arrow slides from my fingers and sinks into the torso of the summoner standing in the middle of the room as predicted*

-I’m going to be honest, I can’t believe I was right.

-Looks like we have what we came for, I guess this is where we part ways Orthorn, you may not be my favorite summoner in Skyrim, but you didn’t try to kill me and steal the books back like I expected. Thank you.

-Next stop, Winterhold.

-Okay, now that I have these books I just need to find Talfor and... HOLY CRAP YOU BROUGHT THE ORB TO WINTERHOLD?!

-This has to be the worst decision that I was not personally responsible for.

-So now that you have this giant cursed orb in a place filled with power crazed wizards what’s the plan? You seem like a smart guy so I’m assuming you’re one step ahead of everyone else here.

-Nope, your plan is to just stare at the orb... faaannntastic.

-Oh lovely, now Arcano wants to speak to me, I wonder what about, Talfor? I’m sure it has NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS STUPID ORB!

-Lovely, Arcano isn’t just condescending he is a Talmor.

-You’ve said less than ten words to me Arcano and I’ve already figured out how I’m going to kill you.

-Oh you want information about the orb Arcano? Which orb would that be? OOOOoooh, THAT orb... yep, it sure is... orb’ish. Where did we find it? I can’t rightly say, I’ve been to so many places, seen so many things, I can’t be expected to remember everything.

-Oh calm down, Arcano, I’m totally willing to cooperate with a Thalmor trying to bully me into giving him information, go ahead, ask me another question.

-Who was with us when we found it? Found what? OOOOOooooh THE ORB, right. I think some guy was with us... Tony? I think his name was Tony. I’ve met so many interesting people in Skyrim. Wait! Where are you going?! I WAS HAVING FUN DAMN IT!

-I don’t think I’ve had an NPC storm off in exasperation before. I’m kinda proud of myself.

-Someone just told me I need to find the Augar of Dunlain. Finally, information I didn’t have to kill for.

-Now all I need to do is find the Augar of... wait, what the hell is an Augar? Is that a person or a thing?

-Whatever, hidden things are always in the basement, I’m just going to go there and rummage around, maybe the Augar is in a box labelled “Augars” or something.

-*Sigh* Who am I kidding? Whatever an Augar is I’m sure it wants to kill me.

I'm starting to worry this thing is actually an egg.

Return to Skyrim, Day 17: The Winterhold Public Library, Black-Ops Division (Part 1 of 2)

-Savos Aren! Listen, so Talfor’s class trip proved a little more doom-tastic than hoped.

-Well, I wandered off and wound up trapped in a tiny room, while I was panicking heroically Talfor figured out a way to free me, then right before the zombies attacked, while everyone else was frozen in time of course, a ghost appeared and warned me about some sort of disaster THEN we found a giant blue Orb that was guarded by the most arrow-proof zombie I’ve ever seen, after that I ran here to find you.

-Trust me, it didn’t make any more sense when it was happening either.

-Are you just sending me to the librarian because you don’t want to deal with this? I feel like that is what’s happening here.

-Urag Gro-Shub! Savos said you might be able to help. Any chance you have a book about giant orbs foretold in disaster prophecies??

-Of course you do! I was crazy to doubt you. Apparently.

-What do you mean someone stole it? My tax gold goes to funding this library... I assume... and some jerk went and stole the one book I wanted to read!? Who is he and why am I not killing him right now?

-So Orthorn stole books to impress some wizards that were expelled from Hogwarts... I mean, Winterhold?

-Exactly how insanely evil do you need to be to get kicked out of here? I mean, have you talked to that cat man in my magic class? I’m pretty sure he is using puppy tears as a spell reagent.

-Well, don’t worry Urag, I’ll get your books back...

-*Doing my best Arnold Schwarzenegger* It’s time to let them know their books are overdue. Wait, hold on... OVA DOO. There we go, that’s it.

-Even for a abandoned fort this place is dilapidated, the towers are crooked, there is junk everywhere and that guy throwing fire at me is wearing a robe that is SO last season.

-Hey! Don’t throw fire at my horse! MUFFINS, NOOOO!!!

-No one sets my horse on fire but me! And even then it’s still wrong!

-We’ve been here less than two minutes and we already have a pile a dead summoners and one horse with a refreshed phobia of fire.

-These jokers have prisoners?! Why didn’t Urag mention that? Don’t worry ladies, I’ll have this lock opened faster than you can say...

-HOLY CRAP YOU’RE ALL VAMPIRES! STAY BACK! I’M ARMED AND...

-I SHOT HER! I SHOT AN ARROW RIGHT INTO HER STUPID VAMPIRE FACE!

-That was a complete accident, I swear! I just wanted her to keep away from my neck, I didn’t mean to kill her!

-Maybe she was friendly, maybe I could have helped bridge the gap between vampire and lizard kind. Wait, did that other caged vampire just call me a “meat bag”?!

-From now on, the phrase, “Like shooting fish in a barrel” will be replaced with, “Like shooting arrows into caged vampires.”

-Wow, another vampire in a tiny cage. How gothic do you have to be to decorate with living vampires?

-Oh look who we found all caged up like the big dumb animal he is! So I take it your new friends weren’t impressed with the books eh, Orthorn?

-Free you? WHY!? You stole spell books and gave them to an actual hive of villainy! Your character judgement skills leave quite a bit to be desired young man.

-Listen, I’m entirely too stupid to leave you in this cage, so I’m going to open these gates and set you free on two conditions...

-One, you’re going to help me find all three books. Two, you’re not going to set me on fire. Break either of these rules and I’ll do something truly horrible to you...

-I’ll make you finish this quest line.

Potions, sacred texts and orcs. Pretty much your standard library.