Detour to Rapture, Part 3: Dr. Much Worse Than Horrible

<Dragonface>
Have a festive Thanksgiving!
</Dragonface>
 ---------------------------------
 <Sharlene>

-Look nurse lady, I’m pretty sure you need a permit for that chainsaw.

-This is the worst medical pavilion I have ever seen!

-THERE IS NO MEDICINE HERE

-I have no more room for first aid...HOW DO I USE THE FIRST AID?!

-Everyone's whining about looking pretty, I’m pretty sure that all of Rapture is built on people with low self esteem.

-"MAKE ME LOOK PRETTY!!!!" ...maybe these bullets will help?

-I’m enjoying all the cockney accents here, it almost makes up for the absolute terror of walking through here.

-”Why do we have two eyes?” Last I checked, we need binocular cues for depth percept..oh AAAHHH!!

-WHY ARE YOU EXPLODY?

-Eternal flame?  AAHH ROASTY BODIES WHY

-Issss this buuurning an enternal flaaaaaaame!

-HEY! more Kool-aid!

-That’s a spicy-meat-a-ball!

-people oh gods! AAAHHH FIRE EVERYWHERE WHATS GOING ON!?! oh that was me...

 -I had blood on my hands but it burned off, hooray?

-”Parasites will not be tolerated” I didn’t know that Mitt Romney was in Rapture.

-HOW DO I GET TO SURGERY?!

-...But I hate the dentist.

-GAAAHH DARKNESS!!

-THIS IS NOT OK!!

-Oh, ok light now, much better.

-But I don’t want my telekinesis, I WANT MY LIGHTNING!!

-Why? Because Storm is cooler than Jean Grey!

-YOU PEOPLE ALL HAVE ISSUES WITH YOUR FACE ITS WORSE THAN THAT EPISODE OF THE TWILIGHT ZONE

-Too..symmetrical?  I mean what? That’s the definition of beauty OH GOD HES COMING FOR ME!!

-HOW DO I GUN?!

-OH GOD THAT WAS FIRE!

-I’m sorry Dr. Horrible dude man thing, but I need something in your guts.

-OMG PEOPLE EVERYWHERE WHY?!

-creepy little girl thing, what do I do with you...

-I think I’ll obey Molotov Cocktease up there, I don’t want her to whip me.

-LOOK ATLAS I DO WHAT I WANT

-OH JESUS I'M BEING DRILLED

-YOU LAZY HACKED TURRETS WHY WON’T YOU HELP ME!!

-I’m being big daddy-ed!

-guess I’ll save you too.

-Can I shoot you after I’ve saved you?..crap! sorry! *quick reload*

-*carefully does not use hyperactive trigger finger*

-Alrighty then, back to the pod apparently...

-GAH GRENADE DUDE WHY

-I’m just gonna run...yea that’s a good idea.

-WHY GRENADES?! Do you know what’s gonna happen if you blow a hole in the wall?

-I don’t think anyone down here is suffering from plasmid sickness, I just think everyone here has the bends and they never treated it...
</Sharlene> 

ObamaCare is way worse than republicans would have us believe

 

Detour to Rapture, Part 2: Incorrect Uses For Kool-aid and Other Mistakes

<Dragonface>
Welcome to the second Bio-Shock entry from Sharlene who is filling in for my total lack of posting about Skryim. Without her help this blog would no longer be able to support itself and would fail. What I'm saying is, Sharlene is my Blog FEMA, or BLEMA if you will.

I know people questioned the value of BLEMA, but I'm certain you will agree with me when I say our $50 million tax dollars are well spent if it means we get to keep the lights on here at "How to Protect Your Knees" a little bit longer.

Till next time...
</Dragonface>
 ---------------------------------------
<Sharlene>
 -I guess I should look around..?

-Doot doot doot AH! oh, its just a flickering light...

-Ooh Kool-aid...*injects it into my arm* WAIT that’s not how you drink Kool-aid!

-DUDE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! HAVE YOU NEVER HAD KOOL-AID BEFORE?!

-For the record squeeze bottles were the best.

-I’d like to imagine that this is exactly what would happen if I injected myself with Kool-aid.

-Why is the joker here, and why is he talking about taking my virginity?

-That’s a big drill *wink*

-That was the worst waterslide ever.

-What in the hell, QUIT TRASH TALKING MY SISTER!

-Why is there a cat down here  OH GOD SORRY I hit a cat...

-So electricity from my fingertips eh?...does NO ONE SEE how this is THE WORST IDEA under WATER?!

-TO HELL WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ATLAS!

-Goddammit fine, I suppose I can help...

-Plasmids ruined everything....Sooooo, WHY DID YOU LET ME DRINK THE PLASMID KOOL-AID?!

-Oh neat a gun!

-FRIGGIN?! WHAT GHOST-O-VISION?! No no no nonono NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!

-I can drink vodka in this game...oh it hurts me? Just like real life.

-Gain health from smoking...Say what now?

-A dark hallway...oh geez, guess where I REALLY don’t want to go....

-COME ON isn’t there ANY OTHER WAY AROUND?!

-...lower the weapon?!...NO DUDE, FRIG THAT NONSENSE!

-This is all like, horror survival 101.

-Hello creepy little girl and big dudeface, *taps shoulder* you wouldn’t happen to know how to get to...OH GOD I”M SORRY I JUST WANTED TO ASK A QUESTION!

-JESUS WHAT WHATS GOING ON OH GOD EVERYONE SEES ME WHHHHYYYY...WHERE DID ALL MY BULLETS GO?!

-The Medical Pavilion?..I hate medical places in horror games.

-Its like “Parasite Eve” all over again, except I can’t make my sister play through the parts where I walk through the morgue.

-Hey hellocopter gun thing, you will be my friend!

-I swear I did not mean to shoot you! These controls are difficult...

-GAH WHY! WHY SO MANY BUNNY MASKS?!

-Let this be a lesson, this is what happens to you if you half-ass being a furry!

-Why are there like 80 nurses and I haven’t seen a single doctor? I have a bone to pick with the medical program here in Rapture.
</Sharlene>

Your looking for the Pavilion? Just take a left at... wait, I mean.. GRRRRRAAAHHHH

Detour to Rapture, Part 1: Opening

<Dragonface>
So Skyrim is like, super huge! And it's taking me a bit of time to work my way through it and every so often Steam has a sale and I buy some damn game for $2 and I get distracted... FORGIVE ME I'M ONLY HUMAN! So first, let me assure you, Dragonface will one day go scale to scale with Alduin, but right now I'm dealing with zombies or ghosts...or whatever the hell it is that is trying to kill me in "Lone Survivor," seriously, I think they are zombies, but their heads wobble all of the place like they are at a Ska concert every time I see them and honestly I'm more confused than afraid.

So in the meantime my friend Sharlene has been nice enough to do a few entries to keep this blog afloat with BioShock fueled comedy. I think this is the part where I would copy and paste a pre-approved Bio (and yes, she has one because she does stand-up comedy here in NY, and has her own comedy website which is currently down for re-tooling) but that seems way too formal. So what should I say about Sharlene?

Well this one time she asked me to help her move and I when I got to her apartment, I swear to god, it looked like a woman had exploded in there. Clothes were everywhere, there was a hair dryer balanced on a TV and a bunch of stuff in a closet that she couldn't pack because they were at the top and she couldn't reach them, how did they get up there in the first place? She had no idea. I mean, when people ask you to help them move you assume they have ALREADY ACTUALLY PACKED, but no, no she hadn't. God, don't even bring up the air conditioner! 

Right, so besides the whole moving thing Sharlene is lovely, trusted and most importantly at this exact moment, very funny.

Without further ado...

Welcome to Rapture.
</Dragonface>

<Sharlene>
In honor of halloween, I’ll be playing Bioshock after having consumed a cup of coffee, which is a lot for me... also I’m bad at shooters and don’t deal well with jumpy things... also I’ve never played Bioshock before.

-OH GOD THE WATER!!!  How in the... am I supposed to do something?  This is a cut scene right?

-FIRE AND WATER JESUS WHY AM I NOT MOVING...oh.

-Hey look, some stairs, in the middle of nowhere...that’s...great.

-It’s like finding the top of the Chrysler building after Sandy.

-I’m a jerk.

-I also feel like LOST started this way.

-DARK DOOR OH JESUS MY HEART (switches to windowed mode for the sake of her safety)

-WHY DID IT CLOSE?! What if I want to grab my luggage?

-...lights? GAH! oh, ok...stairs...hey look its a capsule the size of my Manhattan apartment...

-But I don’t want to pull the lever, what if I just want to sit...WHERE IS THE SIT OPTION DAMMIT?

-Who left this Tony award underwater?

-...AH MUSIC, oh hello dude.

-But I hate being sweaty...

-HEEEEELLLLOOOOOAOAHAHAHAAGGGGH 

-WHAAAAEEELLLLEEEEDGHSEGFJSGOLKBHDYRG...Man I’m great at speaking whale to that whale!

-...so...this city full of lights...underwater...HOW IS EVERYTHING NOT BEING ELECTROCUTED ALL THE TIME?!

-OH JESUS ITS THE SCHOOL NURSE FROM MY NIGHTMARES!!!

-I swear Mrs. Thompson, all of my nosebleeds in 4th grade were legit!!!

-OH GOD WHY! IS THIS GLASS HOOK PROOF!? WHERE IS MY GUN?!

-...probably needed to fish it from the debris OH GOD NOW THE RADIOS GLOWING?! oh wait a minute...

-Hello? This is Dog?

-You want me to WHAT? leave the BUBBLE?! ...no.

-CHRIST WHY!

-TRUST YOU FLOATING VOICE NAMED ATLAS!? BUT I HATE AYN RAND!

-OH GOD, oh, hey a turret thing.

-Wrench? oh I’m Mario now!

-WHY’D YOU THROW A COUCH AT ME?! WHO DOES THAT?!

-Eat wrench! Yea that’s how we do it in mushroom kingdom bitch.
</Sharlene>

Here at Euro-Value Jet we are proud of our 15% spontaneous combustion rate.