Day Twenty-Six in Skyrim: The Mammoth-Born

-Look at Malborn run, it’s almost as if a large and powerful portion of Skyrim now wants him dead... poor bastard. I should have just arrowed him myself.

-Best go sell off all this Elven armor before I go and get my stuff from Delphine. Wonder how much I’ll get for five full sets of armor that only have limited arrow holes in them?

-Yes Mr. Merchant I would like to sell all of the Elven armor in my bags and on my actual body... I, I’m starting to see a flaw in my plan. Hmm, what harm is there in some temporary public nudity?

-Hey! I don’t go around pointing out your personal flaws Mr. city guard, I am well aware of how naked I am! I’M GOING TO GET MY CLOTHES RIGHT NOW!

-Punchy DO YOU MIND! You could avert your eyes, you know?!

-Also I’m pretty sure you’re smirking, not sure what that is about, but quit it!

-Delphine! My things! There we go, fully clothed. My long quest for dignity is at an end. In theory.

-So exactly how attached were you to Malborn, Delph? I ask because the phrase, “He was last seen running blindly in the wilderness.” may come up in the near future.

-You know what I haven’t done in awhile? Just go roaming around looking for trouble. How does that sound Punchy? You look like you need to unwind anyway.

-Ah, the wonderful outdoors, the trees, the starlit sky, the dragon flying overhead interfering with my view, ah nature.

-Don’t you dragons have anything better to do? I’m not even out here trying to pick a fight! I’m just taking in the scenery and you jerks act like this is all about you! Well it’s not! I just... wait, where are you going?

-I’ll be damned, the dragon isn’t even trying to kill me, it’s going after that mammoth... huh... I can’t help but feel slightly rejected.

-AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?! WHY!? I TRY SO HARD! AND YET YOU PASS ME OVER FOR A MAMMOTH! A MAMMOTH!?!

-DOES THIS WORLD HAVE NO... justice...? Man that Mammoth is really showing that dragon a thing or two about taking a punch!

-Listen, Punchy, if that Mammoth says anything that even resembles “FUS RO DAH”, I want you to go follow him. Clearly he is the real dragonborn and I’m a complete fraud.

-This is crazy! If he kills the dragon does he get to absorb the soul? Is that how it works? I’m so confused by the things I am seeing.

-Wait, I’m the hero! This isn’t the amazing adventures of Manny the Mammoth! I’m killing this dragon, even if it means I have to arrow it in the butt.

-Note to self, email Bethesda and pitch the idea of, “Manny the unstoppable Mammoth” DLC.
-Ha! Totally kill steal’d from a Mammoth! I... I feel shame.

-Man, he’s just marching along like he isn’t the biggest badass in all of Skyrim.. marching this way in fact... ohhh boy.

-Hey, we’re cool right? See, I’m putting my bow away and acting very, VERY casual right now. No need to get all stompy on me.

-This game needs a “hold your hands up in a non-threatening manner” menu option.

-Please keep walking, please keep walking, please keep... MEEKO! Stop barking at the dragonborn Mammoth!

-Phew! He left. Nothing quite like mutual respect between dragonborns.

-If I could have that mammoth as a mount my life would find new meaning.

Pictured: The actual savior of Skyrim.