Day Twenty-Seven in Skyrim: The Brotherhood Legacy

-I feel like I was suppose to tell somebody something... something important. Oh this is going to bother me.

-Did it involve talking animals? Nope. Something involving the Talmors? Maybe? Library books overdue? YE... no.

-Astrid! I killed Astrid! I was suppose to tell people, send out a newsletter or something.

-Hello city guard, wait, no I don’t care about your knee, I need to tell you that.... yes, I know, it would be great if I conjured you a bed, and no, I haven’t heard that request two hundred times, I.. SHUT UP AND LISTEN! I KILLED ASTRID!

-.... I’m not sure if bragging to you about murder was the best idea.

-Oh good! You’re happy I killed her! I’m happy you’re happy! It’s amazing how a simple murder can bring two strangers together in happiness.

-I don’t see any harm in informing some imperials about my handy work. It’s not like this is a trap, I mean, it doesn’t feel like a trap... MY GOD THAT MEANS IT IS MOST POSSIBLY A TRAP! I am completely uncertainly sure about this!

-Listen guys, we are going to walk into this little cabin and talk to Commander Maro, if he so much as blinks at odd intervals we drop him where he stands. I don’t trust the imperials, especially when it comes to claiming a reward for murder.

-Even if it was JUSTIFIED murder, which is was. Don’t give me that look Meeko, you’re a dog, you don’t get to judge.

-Maro, you can’t be serious, Astrid was the leader of the most powerful society of murderers in all of Skyrim? Really? That’s like being the fattest guy at a Texas chili cook-off.

-Also, have you gone outside recently Maro? I don’t mean to ruin your perception of Skyrim but every citizen of Skyrim has either killed a man, been killed by a man or is in the middle of killing a man while he kills him back. Honestly I’m surprised the horses aren’t eating each other.

-Maro, you are an odd man who seems to live in a fairy tale and that is why I’m willing to murder even more people to help preserve your idealized Skyrim.

-Besides, justified murder is my favorite thing... no wait, pizza, pizza is my favorite thing, then wine... I’m also pretty fond of Punchy here. Hmm, let’s just say justified murder is in my top ten of favorite things.

-Right, so Maro gave us the code words to enter the Brotherhood’s secret lair, “Silence, my brother”. As code words go, I have to admit, that one is pretty awesome.

-Maybe I can teach my children not to answer the door unless they hear that phrase? I mean, future therapist are going to need work.

-Well, this is the place, I guess I just knock on the door and OH MY GOD THE DOOR SPEAKS! Geez, I must be losing my touch, I should be long past the point of being surprised by talking things.

-Door, you may be pure evil but that is one marketable voice you got there.

-Listen team, I’m about to enter the second most wretched hive of scum and villainy. I’ve given this some thought, If I don’t come back I want you to go find that mammoth and follow him.

-Ok, here we go, wish me luck.

-*Ten disappointing minutes later*

-THAT’S IT?! Those were the lug-nuts that were responsible for a vast majority of the murders in Skyrim?! My god, I wish I had known they were made out of paper, I would have worked on my two-handed skill when I killed them.

-That one lady with the spider at least NOTICED I was up to something, but I’m telling you Punchy, if you go look around in there you’re going to find a bunch of corpses in the seated position with a single arrow in their skulls.

-I should add, they are all naked. How I managed to undress them and keep them seated is a disturbing mystery to me.

-You know what? I’m outraged! I can’t believe Astrid made that gaggle of two-bit thugs seem sexy. God! I wasted perfectly good arrows on them!

-Whatever, time to move on and find an enemy worthy of my time and arrows.

Just sitting back and enjoying the afterlife.

Day Twenty-Six in Skyrim: The Mammoth-Born

-Look at Malborn run, it’s almost as if a large and powerful portion of Skyrim now wants him dead... poor bastard. I should have just arrowed him myself.

-Best go sell off all this Elven armor before I go and get my stuff from Delphine. Wonder how much I’ll get for five full sets of armor that only have limited arrow holes in them?

-Yes Mr. Merchant I would like to sell all of the Elven armor in my bags and on my actual body... I, I’m starting to see a flaw in my plan. Hmm, what harm is there in some temporary public nudity?

-Hey! I don’t go around pointing out your personal flaws Mr. city guard, I am well aware of how naked I am! I’M GOING TO GET MY CLOTHES RIGHT NOW!

-Punchy DO YOU MIND! You could avert your eyes, you know?!

-Also I’m pretty sure you’re smirking, not sure what that is about, but quit it!

-Delphine! My things! There we go, fully clothed. My long quest for dignity is at an end. In theory.

-So exactly how attached were you to Malborn, Delph? I ask because the phrase, “He was last seen running blindly in the wilderness.” may come up in the near future.

-You know what I haven’t done in awhile? Just go roaming around looking for trouble. How does that sound Punchy? You look like you need to unwind anyway.

-Ah, the wonderful outdoors, the trees, the starlit sky, the dragon flying overhead interfering with my view, ah nature.

-Don’t you dragons have anything better to do? I’m not even out here trying to pick a fight! I’m just taking in the scenery and you jerks act like this is all about you! Well it’s not! I just... wait, where are you going?

-I’ll be damned, the dragon isn’t even trying to kill me, it’s going after that mammoth... huh... I can’t help but feel slightly rejected.

-AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?! WHY!? I TRY SO HARD! AND YET YOU PASS ME OVER FOR A MAMMOTH! A MAMMOTH!?!

-DOES THIS WORLD HAVE NO... justice...? Man that Mammoth is really showing that dragon a thing or two about taking a punch!

-Listen, Punchy, if that Mammoth says anything that even resembles “FUS RO DAH”, I want you to go follow him. Clearly he is the real dragonborn and I’m a complete fraud.

-This is crazy! If he kills the dragon does he get to absorb the soul? Is that how it works? I’m so confused by the things I am seeing.

-Wait, I’m the hero! This isn’t the amazing adventures of Manny the Mammoth! I’m killing this dragon, even if it means I have to arrow it in the butt.

-Note to self, email Bethesda and pitch the idea of, “Manny the unstoppable Mammoth” DLC.
-Ha! Totally kill steal’d from a Mammoth! I... I feel shame.

-Man, he’s just marching along like he isn’t the biggest badass in all of Skyrim.. marching this way in fact... ohhh boy.

-Hey, we’re cool right? See, I’m putting my bow away and acting very, VERY casual right now. No need to get all stompy on me.

-This game needs a “hold your hands up in a non-threatening manner” menu option.

-Please keep walking, please keep walking, please keep... MEEKO! Stop barking at the dragonborn Mammoth!

-Phew! He left. Nothing quite like mutual respect between dragonborns.

-If I could have that mammoth as a mount my life would find new meaning.

Pictured: The actual savior of Skyrim.

Day Twenty-Five in Skyrim: An Evening with Terrible People

-Nothing says “party time” quite like putting on my favorite quilt and pretending it’s a suit.

-This plan seemed way more sane before we actually started it. Do we really expect that no one will notice that I don’t fit in at this party? I’m going to be the only non-bastard at this thing, if they ask me any questions IT WILL BLOW MY COVER!

-Blend in with party, sneak away from party, steal documents, somehow NOT get caught doing any of this and then escape. I really should have written up a last will and testament before we departed.

-Delphine may trust you, Malborn, but I’m not Delphine. I can’t believe I need to hand you my trusty bow so that you can smuggle it into the party. But like most parties I attend, in order to survive it, I will need to be armed to the teeth.

-This place is filled with people I have nothing in common with and can not stand to talk to; it’s my prom all over again.

-You need me to cause a distraction? It is safe to say that is within my skill-set.

-Right, let’s see, throw some vases around the room? Nope, no response.... hmm.

-How about I eat all the salmon at the buffet table like a rabid bear? NOTHING?! Really?! This seems like normal behavior to you people?!

-I HAVE NOW CONSUMED ALL YOUR FOOD! I’ve also taken all the silverware! Why do you not care?! Damn it, what do I have to do to cause a distraction? I... should I get naked? Dear god please don’t let that be the solution.

-Here we go, this chap here is the man I need, he is the equivalent of everyone’s drunk and creepy uncle. Perfect.

-Of course you need more alcohol good sir, lucky for you I have several bottles of crazy fuel for your consumption.

-Jerk + alcohol = a life lesson.... also, a distraction.

-Come on Malborn, I’m not sure how long the drunken floor show can go on... he looks like he only has one good jig in him before he blacks out.

-Through the kitchen, through the back room, gather up my bow... consider hugging it, decide against it, kick open the final door...

-Ah, hello Thalmor/Santorum guards. I was just... you see... the.. uhhh... I’m looking for the bathroom?
-Nope, you’re not buying it... not that I blame you. But you do understand what needs to happen next, yes? *thwomp* *slash* *thwomp*

-All of these guards are wearing super light weight and valuable elven armor? I’m going to leave a path of so many naked guards! It’s going to look like Hanzel and Gredel’s bread crumb trail.

-Here we go, all the documentation I came for and... wait, how do I get out of here? This place is crawling with many angry and, for the moment, fully clothed guards. Also, I feel like I should not leave Malborn behind.

-Ah! There you are Malborn! I see you’ve managed to get yourself captured, lucky for you I’m completely certain I can pick off your captors without hitting you.*Thwomp*

-I’ll be honest, I can’t believe I didn’t just accidentally murder you, I was pretty much firing blind. Any chance you’re going to lead me out of here? Please be on a path out of this place.

- Freedom! and Punchy! and the dogs! Three of my favorite things!

- Right, off we go to find Delphine... but first we need to find a merchant that is interested in purchasing several complete sets of Elven armor, most of which are still warm.

Terrible people at a terrible party.

Will Return Soon

I just wanted to post a quick note to let you all know that I have not forgotten about the blog, I have simply not been feeling well, so far today I feel pretty good so I hope to have a post ready for tomorrow.

Thank you for your understanding.