Return to Skyrim, Day 9: The Afterlife and Muffins

-You know what I’m missing in my life? A horse... and a savings account, and a sensible business suit I can wear to job interviews. I think of these three problems the easiest to remedy is the horse one. 

-Good sir, I have come to your humble stable to purchase a horse. I’d like a horse that looks like he has seen the horrors of the world but manages to be amazingly handsome in the face of despair.  

-Sir, I would like a horse version of myself.

-One Thousand gold for a horse? That is rather cheap. Wait, I want to make sure, this is the price for a “complete” horse, yes? We’re not talking about a horse brisket or “build-it-yourself” horse, right?

-Sir, I’ll be completely honest. Besides being able to identify which animals are in fact horses, I don’t know anything about them.

- Ah yes, clearly this here is a fine horse... with all these legs.. and a tail.. and a head. Yep, that’s a horse all right. I’ll take it.

-Okay horse, I don’t know you and you don’t know me but I’m going to get on your back and you’re gonna let me ride you and this will NOT be awkward. I mean, lizards ride horses all the time, I assume.

-This horse needs a name, hmmm, I know! Muffins! Muffins the horse!

-Let’s put this horse to good use and track down a ghost... yet again, another sentence I never thought I would have the need to say.

-Ok, according to Dinya Balu, a lone ghost wanders these plains looking for her lost love. For once I’m going to do the smart thing and emotionally distance myself from this mess.

-Now if I was a ghost looking for another ghost where would I go? Hmm, well according to this here map the answer is, near a lone monument in the middle of an open field.. an open field that was once a battle ground...

-Wait, am I starting to care? No! You listen here me, you are NOT allowed to care about this, at all! ever!

-Excuse me, Ruki? I can’t help but notice you are all glowy and translucent.  I’ve heard you were looking for someone, I thought maybe I could help.

-You... you are looking through the bodies to find your husband? My lady, I.. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I don’t see any bodies here. 

-"How can I not see them?" I don’t think I understand the question. Listen, all I see here is some overgrown grass and a monument to war that occurred hundreds of years ago! Listen to me! There are no bodies here! None at all, what you’re looking for … oh... oh god....

-Now I get it, you... you don’t know you’re dead.

-Damn it, why did my hands just go cold? I’m not caring about this. Okay hands, you better start circulating before I get upset.

-Miss? I don’t see your husband here, maybe I should check his base camp. Maybe he is there, okay?

-Just wait here. Somehow, I don’t think that will be a problem for you Ruki.
-Fenrig? I can’t help but notice you standing out here alone in the middle of nothing looking all transparent... what do you mean “Don’t I see all the men?” Listen, I see where this conversation is going. let’s just cut to the chase. Ruki, she needs to see you.

-"Is there something wrong?" You’d be surprised at how complicated the answer to that question is.
-Just follow me and, well, I don’t know if we can sort this out, but we can try.

-Ruki! I have someone here to see you, but before you turn around you need to promise me you won’t say anything emotionally charged.

-”Fenrig! You’re alive!”, damn it woman! We JUST talked about this!

-”..the battle isn’t until tomorrow.” My god, how long has Fenrig been waiting for a tomorrow that he didn’t realized had already passed?

-”Fenrig, what is happening?!”, actually that is a really good question, are you two floating away?

-So that was it, they needed one another before they could ascend and leave this place and they waited hundreds of years to do just that.

“Ruki, it doesn’t matter, we are together now...”, god damn it! can’t you two just be happy AND non-dramatic?! Jerks.

-Well, another mission accomplished and done with only the slightest amount of caring.

-.... or quite a lot of caring, or something.

Pictured: Dedication

Not sure why, but this was the song I listened to the most while putting this post together. Enjoy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYeYold6Uys&feature=related, Audiomachine - “The Truth”

Return to Skyrim, Day 8: Hand Gestures and Other Distractions

-The end of the world waits for no man, or lizard. Time to head to Karthspire.

-Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you don’t mind that we’re fashionably late but I have a really good excuse! Punchy and I decided to... DRAGONS?! Already? What the hell guys! You started without me?!

-Also, why didn’t anyone tell me Karthspire had a Forsworn infestation? This seems like something someone should have mentioned during the basement debriefing.

-**The dragon has clearly taken a beating at the hands of Forsworn, but upon my arrival it changes its path, circles back and decides I’m now the prime target, I draw back my arrow and, in what may prove to be my most “badass” moment yet, I send a single arrow into his skull, killing him in mid-flight, his lifeless body falls out of the sky and crashes to the ground in a mangled heap.**

-HOOOOOOOOooooo! WooooOOOOOOOOooooo! MY GOD DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT?! In certain countries I would now be considered a deity!

-Wait, where did that dead guy come from? Did you do that Punchy? You mean to tell me killing people is more interesting than watching me in action? Why aren’t you busy admiring my handy work?

-Didn’t you see?! That dragon was all like, “ROAR! I’m a dragon!” and I was all like, “I’m the king lizard not you!” and he was like, “I’M GOING TO EAT YOU!” and I was like, “YOU’RE GOING TO EAT ARROWS!” and THEN HE DID!

-*I Motion with my hands mimicking a dragon crashing into the ground while making slow-motion crashing noises*

-You know your problem Punchy? You don’t appreciate good story telling.

-Punchy, where are you running off too? RIGHT! We were in the middle of a battle! Oh Punchy, where would I be without you watching my back while I boast?

-Hey Forsworn, what makes you think you have any chance against us? If the arrows don’t bring you down, the Nord will and if she doesn’t the dog will... and if they don’t I can only assume a passing bandit will. Skyrim really is not a safe neighborhood.

-Who the hell is that old guy summoning rock monsters over there? Time to take a seat old man *Thwomp*!

-Huh, that old guy looked a bit like Esbern.... now that I think about it, where IS Esbern? I... I mean, he kinda looked like Esbern.... sorta... a bit.... a lot. CRAP, IT WAS ESBERN!

-I’m so sorry! so SO sorry! Esbern, talk to me! Are you okay?! I totally didn’t think it was you! I thought I was arrowing a crazy old man, YOU CAN SEE HOW I BECAME CONFUSED!

-Wow, you are just going to walk that off, huh? You are one tough old man. I hope I can take an arrow to the face like that when I’m your age.

-Let’s clean up this Forsworn rabble; storm the gates!

-Honestly I don’t see gates anywhere, but I’m feeling very melodramatic at the moment. Please, bare with me.

-*Thwomp* That’s the last of them. Everyone present and accounted for? Delphine! How good to see you, and even better to see that I didn’t accidentally arrow you in the skull.

-Well, after all that excitement, do we finally get to set foot in the hallowed halls of the Blades old home? I wonder what magical items remain?

-Welcome to Sky Haven, the former home of the bravest warriors this world has ever known.

-MY GOD WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS PLACE? I mean, are you guys sure all the other Blades are dead and not just buried under all this crap?

-Clearly in your massive armory you didn’t have anything resembling a mop.

-Huh, a full set of Blades armor, hope you two don’t mind, but I’m going to take this and save it for a special occasion. I mean, I’m going to need something fancy to be buried in, right?

-Looks like Esbern and Delphine are going to clean this place up, let’s go Punchy, we have a few stops to make before we start trying to hunt down the world eater.

Story time with (crazy old) Esbern

Return to Skyrim, Day 7: A Lizard for Every Nord

-I guess I should go tell the priests of Mara the good news about Klimmek and Fastred, I’m sure they are going to want to celebrate by sending me on another match-making quest.

-Good ole’ Riften! The only city where I feel safer in its sewers than I do on its streets.

-You know what this town needs? A bigger prison. I mean, would anyone be against just building a giant cage around the entire city? I’m really not seeing a downside to this.

-How does one become a Priest of Mara anyway? I asked this questions months ago and I still don’t have a satisfactory answer. Until someone tells me otherwise I’m just going to assume it is done via a raffle.

-Dinya Balu, how goes it my peaceful priestess? Listen, I took care of the situation in Ivarstead, and I don’t mean to brag, but I didn’t even kill anyone.

-I know, I’m surprised too! Turns out there is something called “mediation” and, get this, you can’t shoot it out of a bow or set someone on fire with it!

-Personally I’m not a fan, but I can see how it would be useful sometimes....occasionally... rarely.... that one time.

-So do you need me to fix another relationship? I knew it! Here is a question for you, have you actually looked into my body of work? I mean, I’ve killed more people than the last plague, what makes you think I’m qualified to help people work out their differences and fall in love? -Wait, don’t walk away from me! I was trying to tell you how not qualified I am! You.. WAIT! DAMN IT! Exactly how many people do I need to kill to prove my point?

-Fine, whatever. This isn’t the first time I’ve been given a task for which I am completely unqualified for. Ooooh, I know! I'll put on my amulet of Mara! That will totally raise my credibility!

-*Puts on Amulet of Mara* Ah, that reminds me, Punchy could you take this... wait, new dialogue option? “Are you interested in me?”, what, like do you want to know my hobbies?

-You ARE interested in me? Well, let me say, I enjoy archery, hunting down bandits, stealing boots off dead people and.. wait, that’s not what you’re asking.

-WAIT! WHAT?! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE!?!  

 
-This relationship we have, it’s professional, right? I mean, I trust you to watch my back and you trust me to watch yours. That’s what we have here, trust and... huh... well, I guess... I guess that is actually pretty damn important in this world.

-You know what? This world is most likely coming to an end, and if it is I can’t think of any other collection of pixels I want with me when this all gets blown apart.

-Yeah, let’s do this.

-I mean, it can’t go any worse than my real life marriage, right?

-(Dear wife, I am aware you are reading this and I am certain you will understand the humor of the above statement. If not, remember you knew what you were getting into from the very beginning. In summary, you have no one to blame but yourself. )

-(Also, please don’t punch me in my neck again while you are “sleeping”, last time that happened I was pretty sure I was going to die.)

-Hey Dinya! Guess what? I’ve decided to make a crazy and rash decision and I need your help, how much does it cost to rent this temple for a ceremony?

-It seems wrong to get married in armor and to be honest I don’t know where one finds a tailor at this hour, I guess we can make due with various clothing items we have taken from dead people. Pretty sure that is what most people do anyway.

-Oh look! Everyone showed up for the ceremony, even Lydia!

-Maramal, not to rush you, but the sooner you pronounce us Lizard and wife the sooner we can get back to saving the world.

-”...may they journey forth together in this life and the next, in prosperity and poverty, and in joy and hardship. Do you agree to be bound together, in love, now and forever?"

- "I do. Now and forever", not only because it’s the right thing to do, but we are also doing this for all the oppressed cross species couples in Skyrim!... which I assume are being oppressed... I think... I mean, it seems probable.

-Wow, I mean, WOW... this is by far the most insane thing that has happened so far and this is coming from a SIX FOOT TALL BIPEDAL LIZARD that once watched a dragon fight two giants, a mammoth, and a bear.

-Is it time for me to stop calling you Punchy and start calling you by your real name, Uthgerd?
-Well folks, thanks for coming to the ceremony, but Punchy and... I mean, my wife and I have to go and save the world, wish us luck! I suppose you should also wish yourselves luck.

-... also, we are registered at “Belethor's General Goods” and we could really use some kitchenware and arrows, no pressure, just saying. Thank you!

All wedding photography done by the F12 key.

Return to Skyrim, Day 6: This is Crazy

-You know what I find disappointing right now? Everything.

-I’ve messed up, I know it. No way to make it better either. I should solve this problem in the most healthy way I know how. *checks map* Where is the nearest Tavern?

-Ivarstead, a simple farming community filled with simple people... that will one day fill Alduin’s stomach.

-What? You think these people could stop Alduin, Punchy? The sharpest weapon in this entire town is that sheep. Esbern is right, Alduin is going to eat everything and this stupid town isn’t even going to count as an h’ourder... h’orderov... appetizer.

-So you want to venture out of this village young lady? Tell me, Fastred, where do you wish to go? RIFTEN? REALLY!? Look, if you need someone to steal all your money just let me know. I can save you a trip.

-You know what? I’m going to tell your parents you’re an idiot. Also, that they are bad parents.... want to go to Riften... kids these days... *disgruntled mumbling*

-Hey! Jofthor! Yeah you! Is that your daughter? If so you SUCK at parenting! She aspires to travel to RIFTEN! Yeah, that’s right, RIFTEN! She might as well aspire to die in a fire!

-She wants to leave because of a boy? Oh... well. I suppose that explains all the poor life choices.

-.... and he is an arrogant talentless poet? With no real life skills? Listen, from one parent to another, I can kill him for you. No, I’m so serious right now. I mean, a giant dragon is going to eat us all in a week or two anyway, so this really isn’t that big of a deal.

-Right, no murdering. Listen, I’m going to have a little talk with Bassianus the poet. I’ve been told I can be very... persuasive.

-Bassianus, I just meet you, and this is crazy, but I’m a bipedal lizard, run for your life maybe?

-Wait! You mean I can solve this problem without violence? I... I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with a solution that doesn’t end with arrows in skulls.

-You mean, another villager has fallen in love with Fastred? Klimmek, he is a decent chap with an unfortunate name and an abundance of common sense. AH! And look who just walked into the Tavern!

-Klimmek, I’ve already meet you, and this is crazy, but I … DAMN IT! I’m sorry, I got this friggin’ song stuck in my head. Anyway, I’ve heard you had a thing for Fastred and that then you didn’t.

-Look I’m a six foot tall lizard so I’m completely qualified to give you life advice, but first I need to ask you something. Do you still love her?

-Ok, so you do, so call me crazy, but maybe she should know this?

-Listen buddy, I like you so I’m going to level with ya. This is all so temporary... even more so because the world is ending in the next week or so... anyway, tell the people you love how you feel. You never know when this is all going to go away... or when they are going to turn into stone in some cavern filled with vampires...

-Damn right, you are going to tell her! Go, GO NOW! RUN KLIMMEK, RUN!

-Ok, let’s get close enough to hear what is going on but not close enough to be a distraction. What? I’m entitled to know how this ends, Punchy! And no, I don’t really care, why would I care about some stupid villagers and their stupid feelings... or how stupid this is... just sayin’.... it’s stupid.

  

-HA! She loves him too! How lovely! I’m so hap... I mean... whatever.

-This game needs a “Give a subtle highfive” option.

-Enjoy the rest of your lives Klimmek and Fastred. With any luck, that will be more than a week.

Fastred parents. Not just are they bad at parenting, but they have a bizarre drinking problem.

Song for this post: “Call Me Maybe” - Carly Rae Jepsen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWNaR-rxAic) (I really didn’t have a choice, I forgot how the chorus went and, well, it all went downhill from there)

Return to Skyrim, Day 5: This Night

-Delphine, look! I brought you an old man! I’ll be honest, I’ve never gotten the hang of gift giving.

-I may poke fun at your pal Esbern but damn it, 90% of the world seems to want him dead and he still managed to reach retirement age.

-Ok Esbern, we have our collective backs to the wall here. Dragons have replaced raccoons as the most common pest in cities and the Thalmor are running amok like the world is coming to an end. Also, the world is coming to an end. Any thoughts?

-Go to Alduin’s Wall? Alduin the World Eater’s wall? That seems like an awfully bold plan for a guy that was just hiding in the sewers and pooping in a bucket for the last decade.

-Fine, we need to swing by the Karthspire first, well, it may not sound like a holiday resort but that does sound somewhat safer than the World Eater’s home.

-Karthspire is all the way on the other side of the map. The journey will be long and difficult. Right, so I’ll meet you guys there then?

-I know, not the most heroic decision I’ve made but I need to sort a few things out before I take my little squad to the end the world.

-Ok listen team, I’ve been thinking something over and... well, Snuggleface, I know this isn’t what you signed up for, so it’s time to take you home.

-Let’s be honest, I’ve been calling you Snuggleface the dog for so long that I’ve completely forgotten you’re actually some kinda demon sidekick named Barbas. I can kid myself all I want, but I’m betting you want to go back to your buddy.

-This... this is surprisingly a difficult decision, but we are about to start our march on what I expect to a truly horrible situation, I don’t want anyone “dragged” along. I mean, this is the right thing to do, yes?

-Onward, to the home of Clavicus Vile.

-Damn it Clavicus! Why is your home always infested  with vampires? I mean, most people are content with bug infestations, but no, not you.

-Clavicus, I have your axe and your dog... I.... I want you to take both of them back...

-So I would get to keep this cursed axe providing I strike Snuggleface, I mean.. Barbas, down with it?

-There are mistakes I have made, but I only make them on my own terms. No deal.

-Before I hand over the axe, Barbas... do you want to stay with us? I mean, right now we can all just turn around and walk away from this place and call it a day. Is this what you really want? I mean, your buddy seems to be something of a terrible bastard.

-Give him the axe and trust you? I... as you wish.

-*I hand the axe over to Clavicus, Barbas reassures me that he will make sure Vile fulfills his part of the bargain and with that he disappears. Moments later he appears as a statue next to Vile in his rightful place.*

-Wait... I’ve... done the right thing? Look, someone, ANYONE needs to reassure me this was the right thing to do because right now.... right now, I’m so afraid I’ve failed.

-A mask? This is the gift I’ve received in exchange for my puppy?

-So, this is it. This is how his chapter of the story ends? He is back home, back with his twisted partner.... but this is what he wanted, so this must have been the right decision.

-Oh the lies I tell myself to make things easier...

-I guess this is it, time to do something I’ve never been any good at. It’s such a simple word but saying it seems to make things so damn final, but then again... it is.

-Goodbye, Snuggleface.

Where his story ends.

 (I always listen to different songs while I write these posts, in fact a few of the titles have references to the songs I was listening to during the writing process. I had a hard time finding something to set the mood for this entry, eventually I found it with "Black Lab - This Night", enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cucFfpsqf8)

 

Return to Skyrim, Day 4: The Old Man and the Sewer

-Good Ole Riften, the city voted most likely to make people say, “Where is my wallet? It was just here a minute ago...”.

-Look, I killed a dragon for you people! Why is no one impressed?! Where is your undying love and affection!?

-Fine, whatever, if I can’t impress the folks living in the city I’ll try to impress the ones living under it.

-The Ratway... well, I see why they don’t mention this place in the travel brochures.

-Excuse me, Large Burly man? Could you point me toward the.. um...*checks notes* the old man? WHOA! Easy with the axe buddy!

-Personally I’m not offended but, as you notice, Punchy here doesn’t take kindly to your unique brand of hospitality.

-I would ask if you learned your lesson about swinging sharp metal at Nords, but you seem pretty dead at the moment. I’ll just assume you got the point.

-The super scaley female lizard that owned the inn in Riften told me a makeshift inn exists down here somewhere... and yes Punchy, she was scaley, why is this a problem? Are you rolling your eyes at me?

-Do we ALWAYS have to fight like this when we are on vacation?!

-Hey, Barkeep, any idea where the “old man” is? Hey, no need to get all on edge. Actually that reminds me, you may need to hire a new door man, your last one just retired unexpectedly.

-How is it possible that the people that live under Riften are even worse than the ones in it?

-None of you want to help? Fine, you know what? I don’t need this! I’ll find him on my own with my lizard tracking powers... I really don’t know much about the animal kingdom so I’m just going to assume that is a thing lizards can do.

-Geez, who wears such fancy robes to the sewers? Damn it, THALMORS!

-Guess I’m not the only one on a quest to find an old man in the sewers, eh boys? Of course the difference is, I’m going to find him, whereas you are going to spend the rest of your evening prying arrows out of your skulls. *thwomp*

-The Thalmors may be “C” grade goons, but they wear some “A” grade armor. I could use all the funds I get, from selling off their stuff, to put Meeko through puppy college.

15-Well, I may not know who this old man if, but if the Thalmors want him dead he is automatically my newest friend... assuming I find him... and that he is still alive.

-Hmm, not sure if I have found the old man but this heavily locked door is promising.

-Sir? Sir?! Can you please open the door? I’ve traveled a long way to find you...

-*looks over to Punchy for help* I promise we aren’t here to sell you anything, nor are we representatives of any church...

-hmmm... Have I mentioned that I was sent by Delphine?

-There we go! Esbern, you are a hard man to find... how long have you been down here? If you don’t mind me asking, where have you been going to the bathroom?

-Aren’t you a ray of sunshine, listen I’ve heard a large number of prophecies lately and I’m going to be honest, I’m not a fan of any of them.

-Alduin is going to eat everything? I don’t even... how? Like, all at once?

-Wait, I’m not sure if you got the memo, while you were down here, but according to some very crazy guys that live at the top of a very dangerous mountain, I’m the Dragonborn. See! I knew that would brighten your day!

-Listen, we can sort this all out later, for now let’s get you back to Delphine so you can tell her your plan to save the world.... you DO have one of those, right? I mean, not to put any pressure on a man wearing a burlap bag for a shirt but the rest of humanity is sorta counting on you.

Both the most helpful and attractive person in Riften.

Return to Skyrim, Day 3: Stealing a Horse and other Shameful Acts

-Louis Letrush, behold I bring you your horse! Let me assure you any “cooked horse” smell you may be noticing was caused by an unexpect Flame atronach attack... what I’m saying is, we weren’t trying to eat your horse.

-Is it weird that I pointed out we didn’t try to eat your horse? Does that make us seem more guilty or less? Wait, I’m guessing these follow-up questions are not helping either.

-So long Louis, happy trails to you! Enjoy your completely uncooked horse and... *sigh*, that man is just never going to trust me again is he?

-Should I return to Riften or should I really shake the rust off and go poke at a dragon?

-Sometimes I ask myself some really stupid questions.

-*One mountain climb later*

-I’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!

-Listen! If everyone could stop getting thrown into the air by this Ancient Dragon I’m sure we could come up with a feasible plan!

-Meeko! What did I just say?! Get out of the sky and extinguish yourself right now!

-I don’t remember these fights being so difficult. Wait, I must be doing something different, something painfully and obviously wrong... *looks around*

-A HA! I’m standing on a mountainside and not an open field! That’s not very bright of me... I’m also on a narrow mountain path... with no way to avoid the living nightmare that just landed in front of me...

-No choice! have to jump and hope for the best!

-SEE YOU IN HELL GRAVITY! *Crunch* Oh god! MY LIMBS!

-Oh, healing potions, where would I be without your bone mending abilities?

-I suppose the obvious answer is, “in a special care facility,” but that was more of a rhetorical question.

-Listen buddy, the not so good folks of Riften need you dead and I need to make Riften a better place and all I know is violence, and that is how I’m going to fix things. So how about we just get on the same page here and let me kill you?

-This dragon is just soaking up arrows as if they were snowballs. Time to dip into the “special reserve poisons” portion of my backpack.

-46 points of poison damage? Well, don’t mind if I do.

-*thwomp* There, I KNOW you felt that one! Perfect, retreat to your flat mountain top home!

-Behold! The terrain is now to my advantage! Watch as my dogs run wild and free.... and gnaw your legs like rabid beavers attacking a tree.

-It’s been fun, but I have a city to save, time to bring this dance to an end *thwomp*.

-OoooooOOOOOooooohhh, I’d forgotten how pretty the “dragon soul” light show is!

-Quick headcount, let’s see, one badass Nord and two homicidal dogs, yep, looks like we all made it.

-Well, with that out of the way, let’s check the quest journal for other Riften based quests... Ah, find the old man living in the sewers... how disgusting, can I just leave him there instead?

Further proof that Punchy is the real hero here, I'm really just ranged support.