-I mean, I’m like some kind of scaley boy scout. I should do something evil... I SHOULD MURDER AN ENTIRE TOWN!
-Wait, no. That’s too evil. I SHOULD TORMENT THIS GOAT! Hmm, no... not evil enough.
-Maybe I should just steal something? There we go, that seems just wrong enough!
-Ooooh, I should totally steal the statue of Dibella, some crazy begger told me I should do it and if you can’t trust people muttering to themselves who can you trust?
-I really need to re-consider my policy of accepting quests from everyone, even the insane and rambling.
-Ok, so this should be easy enough, just sneak around, take the statue and go. Also, I’m sure most thieves bring their wife and dog along on the job. I don’t see how they could possibly be a hindrance.
-Ok, we’re in. Listen, let’s keep our heads down and barking to an absolute minimum. So help me Meeko, if I catch you barking at NOTHING AT ALL, I will leave you at the first dog pound I find!
-Geez, this place is packed with followers... gotta keep my head down... move like a shadow.. BE the shadow...
-I can see the statue! My god being evil is fun! Why wasn’t I informed of the joys of evil before this? Punchy, why didn’t you... wait, you’re not Punchy! DAMN IT!
-What was I doing here? Well.. I, um, you see.. I was LOOKING FOR MY DOG! Bad Meeko! BAD! Don’t ever run off like that again! Now that I have my dog I’ll just be... not going anywhere.
-Listen, can we avoid involving the local guards? If I’ve learned nothing else from my time in Skyrim, no matter how righteous you may seem you need someone, somewhere dead. I’m sure we can come to some sort of arrangement, if you catch my drift.
-You need a child? WAIT, alive right?! I mean I’m all for making a deal here, but I have zero problem with hacking my way out of this building if I need too.
-Oh.. alive, ok then. I guess that’s fine, is she going to come along willingly or are you asking me to kidnap a child? Because again, my original plan was a murderous rampage and THAT PLAN IS STILL UNDER CONSIDERATION.
-Oh, willingly... Fine, I guess I’ll just walk out of here... I didn’t want to rampage anyway... *kicks a rock*
-This should be easy enough, I just need to go to the local village and ask some poor farmer to hand over his daughter... to a bipedal lizard. Yep, pretty sure that should go smoothly.
-*knocks on door* Yeah, hi! So, how are you doing? So listen, some crazy women that live in a temple think it would be great if your daughter came with me to go live in said crazy temple. Sounds great, right?!
-Kidnapped? By someone else?! Mister, you have one popular daughter. Any idea where she is?
-Forsworn you say? Do I have experience with them? Yeah, you could say that.
-Can I find her? I don't know what they want. If they are looking for a ransom, I can tell you I don't have much gold. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, some of them are even at 100. Skills I have acquired over a very long play session. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like them. If they let your daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for them, I will not pursue them...
-But if they don't, I will look for them, I will find them, and I will kill them.
-PUNCHY, HIGH FIVE! Man, I’ve been WAITING TO GIVE THAT SPEECH FOREVER! I can’t believe I finally found an appropriate time and place!
*One quick journey to a Forsworn hideout later...*
-Attention Forsworn! I am out of witty movie quotes but I do have an abundance of arrows!
-Hey you, where’s the girl? Fine, don’t want to talk...*thwomp*. You! Over there! Where’s the girl? *thwomp* Hey! I need a straight answer from someone, you there, buddy, WHERE IS THE GIRL?! DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID ABOUT HAVING ARROWS?! *Thwomp*
-You sir look a bit fancier than the general forsworn member. I bet you know where the girl is. *thwomp* DAMN MY MURDEROUS REFLEX!
-Oh thank god, she’s here, tucked away in this closet!
-Hey little girl, listen, I know I don’t look the part but I assure you I’m one of the good guys. Now I need you to come with me and try not to look around too much....
-*The girl looks around and sees one of the dead forsworn and begins to scream*
-Damn it! I need you to just follow and... yeah, that guy is dead too... please, the screaming isn’t necessary! Wait! Don’t look over there! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT TO FIND PILED UP BEHIND THAT TABLE?!
-Sir, I’ve found your daughter. She is alive and well... do...do you want me to tell the sisters of Dibella that I found her?
-I mean, moving to the temple seems like it would be a permanent thing. Right now no one but you and my team know she is alive, we could just say she screamed herself to death and she could stay here with you.
-You think she will have a better life in the temple? I... suppose. As you wish.
-Sisters of Dibella, I came here to steal a statue so I could roll around in a big pile of evil deeds and instead I wound up delivering to you an innocent child.
-...To be honest I’m not entirely sure stealing her away from her family to live in a temple filled with fanatics was the best choice.
-Punchy, the next time I start talking about the glories of being evil, remind me of how I feel right now...
 |
| Praying to Dibella for the self control to never listen to Dibella again. |
