Return to Skyrim, Day 14: The Lighthouse

-Welcome to scenic Alftand, our major exports are frozen corpses and despair.

-Jeez, what the hell happened here?! I count two frozen dead guys, one house that was burnt down, another that had its roof removed and another that is both missing a roof AND hanging over the side of cliff. I’ve seen less damage after a Mothra attack.

-Punchy, Meeko? This is going to be our most challenging mission yet, it will require all of our strength, energy and focus. Trust me when I say.... wait, is that a lighthouse in the distance?! I LOVE lighthouses! Let’s go there!

-What? It’s not like Blackreach is going anywhere! Hell, Blackreach probably isn’t even real! You were there Punchy, Septimus was two and a half points of crazy away from claiming his robe was made of beetles! You coming with me or not?   

-Ah, look at this place! It's so majestic! So beautiful! Sooo... decorated with a dead horse.

-Excuse me? Anyone home? We were just passing through and noticed that your horse seemed a little less upright than it should be.....

-*We enter the main living area and find ourselves in what resembles a crime scene; what remains, from what was clearly a struggle, is little more than scattered belongings, puddles of blood and two bodies--one of a large bug and the other of a woman*

-My... God. Right, let’s find out what the hell just happened here, according to her diary we have three MIA’s, a husband named Habd and.... two kids. *deep sigh*

-Hello?! Anyone else alive up here that isn’t a murderous bug?! Nope, no one else, let’s check the basement.

-Everything here seems to be in order, boxes neatly stacked, food stored away for the winter and a large hole in the wall that leads to the unknown. Pretty standard basement.

-We should move quickly, we have no idea how long ago the husband came down here in a bug killing blood lust, he and the kids might still be alive.

-Why are there little houses down here? Bugs don’t build houses, right? These almost look like Falmer houses... Damn it! I HATE Falmers, they have those weird little eyes and those terrible pointy teeth! and somehow those aren’t even the worst parts of their miserable little faces!

-I think... I think I see a holding pen in the next clearing. I only see one guard *THWAMP* and he won’t be a problem.

-*Prying the doors of the holding pen open* Your rescue is here! We....*sigh* we’re too late. It’s the girl...

-She left a note, sounds like her brother was dragged off by the Falmer and Habd was poisoned. This is not looking promising. Then again these are Nords, if anyone can walk off a poisoning it’s a Nord, right?

-Another clearing... don’t see any Falmers, let’s move... WAIT I WAS WRONG! GIANT BUGS! GIANT BUGS EVERYWHEEERRREEEE!!! AAAHHH!!!

-*In an instant Punchy is on the closest one, she brings her ax blade down on its skull and death is instant. I quickly draw back the first arrow and send it through the second bug's torso, his partner meet a similar fate*

-Damn it! It’s the brother... looks like he managed to get out of his pen before he died.

-I have to admit, this is the most depressing lighthouse I’ve been in all week.

-The path seems to lead to this cliff, look at it down there, it’s giant bug central! I can’t quite draw a bead on them with my bow from up here.... I just need to get a bit closer to the edge... just another inch....almost got them in my sights..... wwwwwwAAAAHHH!!!!

-Oh nonononoNONONO! I’M DOWN HERE ALONE WITH MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF BUGS! FIRE! FIRE FOR ALL OF YOU!

-Punchy? Meeko? ...guys?! GUYS?! FRIENDS DON’T LEAVE FRIENDS IN PITS FILLED WITH BUGS!

-Fine, I can do this alone. It’s not like Punchy is the hero and I’m the sidekick... oh god who am I kidding! That’s exactly how it is!

-*I enter a large clearing, it appears to be the center of the nest, several workers mill about the largest of the bugs in the middle of the room. I have found their queen.*

-*Twhomp!* This started as a goddamn rescue mission! *Twhomp!*  But thanks to you bastards all I have left is revenge!  *Twhomp!*

-Well now that your lackeys are arrowed it’s just you and I...king lizard versus queen bug...and if you’ve ever seen a nature show, you know who's going to win this fight...

-*The Queen charges, but it’s too late, my arrow has found its mark in her skull. She collapses to the ground, lifeless*

-Time for my favorite part of the job, checking the stomach contents of large dead creatures for treasure.

-What's this? Habd’s skull... oh... you poor bastard, those freakish little monsters fed you to the queen...

-*one slow walk back to the main basement level later....*

-Hey! Glad to see you guys are alive and well. The good news is I found Habd, the bad news is I only found his partially digested skull.

-*I find myself lingering in the main living space of the lighthouse. I  imagine this family in happier times, before everything fell apart. I re-read their journals in an effort to piece their past together in my mind.*

-According to his wife’s diary, Habd wanted to be cremated at the top of the lighthouse when he died... I know this isn’t exactly how he planned his end, but the least we can do is fulfill his final wish.

-So I guess I should do the eulogy or something?

-We are gathered here today to commit the earthly remains of a brave man to his eternal resting place... in the beacon of the lighthouse he so bravely tried to defend. He died with honor, and courage...

-May we all be fortunate enough to die with such purpose.


-Alright, we better get going or their are going to be a bunch more heroes to bury.

Habd's legacy: More useful than most legacies.

Return to Skyrim, Day 13: Liberians and Other Lunatics

-Here we go, a lovely library with a lovely curator. Wait a second, the curator isn’t lovely at all! He’s an orc!

-Urag Gro-Shub! I’ve heard a rumor you might be able to help me track down some rares texts. Any chance you have Hawkeye #1? Ha! Totally kidding! Just... uh... a bit of book humor there... Right, not the joking sort I see. I’ll just take any books you have about the Elder Scrolls then.

-Orc names just roll off the tongue don’t they Punchy?

-Let’s see what we have here, “Elder Scrolls for Dummies” and “Elder Scrolls and You: The Handbook”, this looks promising.

-*Flipping through the pages, scanning for relevant information* Huh, what’s this? “The acorn is a kind of tree egg.” I mean, technically that is a correct statement but it’s worded in the most insane way possible.

-Hey, Urag. What can you tell me the author of this rambling bit of madness?

-Crazy old guy that wandered off into vast, frozen and horrible wilderness eh? Oh well, hopefully his corpse has some useful information on it.

-Next stop... the vast, frozen and horrible wilderness.

-*Yelling over the storm* He’s on an island?! What the hell! How did a hundred year old man, in this weather, at this time of year, ALONE, get to a frozen island in the middle of an almost frozen lake?!

-*Sigh* I should buy a boat.

-Well, according to my map the frozen corpse of Septimus Signus should be somewhere on this island. Alright, Punchy, let’s put on our corpse handling gloves!

-I’ll just open this hatchway, jump down and rummage through the belongings of a dead and frozen wizard... what does it say about me that this kind of activity seems normal?

-Ok, the body should be right aroooOOWWAAAHHH!!! YOU’RE ALIVE?! HOW!?! It’s a billion below absolute zero out there and all you’re wearing is a robe and your insanity!

-Septimus, please, I’m begging you.... PLEASE make the transfer of information from your brain to mine easy?

-”The ice entombs the heart...” Ok, that’s a bit poetic, but I’ll allow it... “the BAIN of Kankernak and Dago fur!”

-*Eyes wide, staring in disbelief at Septimus.* Well that settles it, out of all the crazy old men I have met, you sir, are their king.

-I’m afraid to ask, but any chance you know where the Elder Scrolls are?

-”Here..”, REALLY?! “Here in this plane....”, I don’t like you.

-”Nearby! Relatively speaking! HAHAHAHA! On the cosmological scale IT’S all nearby....” Listen buddy, I’m starting to reconsider the original plan of finding the information I need on your corpse.

-Have I heard of Blackreach? Can’t say that I have, but this is the first thing you’ve said so far that I might have a CHANCE at understanding.

-Jeez, everything you say needs to be translated from crazy-old-man-gibberish to English, but it sounds like I need to head to Alftland, go all the way to the basement then... then use a cube and a ball to do things? With a sphere do-hickey?  

-Ok, I’m going to get out of here before you start making sense.

-Well how bad can this be right, Punchy? Just go down a few steps, unlock an ancient machine and find an even older scroll of paper that was hidden away by a now extinct race of super geniuses thousands of years ago! See, easy!

-Did you just roll your eyes at me?

The horses we will use to travel "nearby". 

Return to Skyrim, Day 12: Remedial Courses

-Welcome to Winterhold, our major exports are insane wizards and completely insane wizards.

-Also all the cold weather, all of it.

-Yes, hello! My dog, my horse, my lady and I are trying to gain entry to your fine city. Any chance you can let us in before we freeze to death in this eternal blizzard?

-You want me to cast fear on this stone floor before you’ll let me in? Seriously? How long have you been out here?

-SHUDDER IN FEAR, STONE GROUND! See? Now can I get in the city? Or do you have a flowerpot thats been giving you trouble?

-Mirebelle, thanks for the welcome. Lovely college you have here. Allow me to cut to the chase, I’m looking for some very old texts and... wait, come back! I don’t need a tour, I need information!

-Stop! I just wanted to... I guess I could attend a class? I, wait, what class is this?! Don’t walk away yet! WHY WON’T YOU STOP MOVING!?

-Alright Punchy, I guess we can take a quick course on spell-casting, I mean, it’s time I learn to kill a man with something other than a pointy stick fired from a curved one.

-Do I know magic? HA! I’ve been across your great lands! I’ve slain giants, dragons and countless bandits! And you ask ME if I know any magic?!

-.... no, not as such.

-Listen, I’ve tried to use fire spells, but I tend to set EVERYTHING on fire, even Punchy and my dog! I’m no expert, but that doesn’t seem right to me.

-Am I familiar with wards? Sure, I... um... have several? In this bag... see?

-... I have no idea what a ward is.

-Listen pal, you may be way more skilled with this whole “magic” thing, but let’s go find an archery range and I’ll show you a thing or two about pointy sticks!

-Also, as a magic teacher you seem friendly but stern, I’m going to call you Dumbledore from now on.

-So, you’re going to lob a spell at me and I’m going to cast this ward.. thingy? Somehow this won’t result with me in flames, yes?

-I’m just saying, I’ve been pelted with more spells than I’d ever care to admit and if you’re telling me I could have easily stopped.. WAIT! NOT READY! HOW DO I MAGIC?!

-I’ll be a son of a... the ward stopped the spell! THE WARD STOPPED THE SPELL! I LOVE YOU, DUMBLEDORE!

-Class dismissed?! Wait! This was the most informative five minutes of my life! Come back!

-Why didn’t anyone tell me I could learn magic in college!?

-Oh well, guess we can start looking around for a library or something.

The cat person to my left was voted "Most likely to burn down a village" after graduation.