Return to Skyrim, Day 5: This Night

-Delphine, look! I brought you an old man! I’ll be honest, I’ve never gotten the hang of gift giving.

-I may poke fun at your pal Esbern but damn it, 90% of the world seems to want him dead and he still managed to reach retirement age.

-Ok Esbern, we have our collective backs to the wall here. Dragons have replaced raccoons as the most common pest in cities and the Thalmor are running amok like the world is coming to an end. Also, the world is coming to an end. Any thoughts?

-Go to Alduin’s Wall? Alduin the World Eater’s wall? That seems like an awfully bold plan for a guy that was just hiding in the sewers and pooping in a bucket for the last decade.

-Fine, we need to swing by the Karthspire first, well, it may not sound like a holiday resort but that does sound somewhat safer than the World Eater’s home.

-Karthspire is all the way on the other side of the map. The journey will be long and difficult. Right, so I’ll meet you guys there then?

-I know, not the most heroic decision I’ve made but I need to sort a few things out before I take my little squad to the end the world.

-Ok listen team, I’ve been thinking something over and... well, Snuggleface, I know this isn’t what you signed up for, so it’s time to take you home.

-Let’s be honest, I’ve been calling you Snuggleface the dog for so long that I’ve completely forgotten you’re actually some kinda demon sidekick named Barbas. I can kid myself all I want, but I’m betting you want to go back to your buddy.

-This... this is surprisingly a difficult decision, but we are about to start our march on what I expect to a truly horrible situation, I don’t want anyone “dragged” along. I mean, this is the right thing to do, yes?

-Onward, to the home of Clavicus Vile.

-Damn it Clavicus! Why is your home always infested  with vampires? I mean, most people are content with bug infestations, but no, not you.

-Clavicus, I have your axe and your dog... I.... I want you to take both of them back...

-So I would get to keep this cursed axe providing I strike Snuggleface, I mean.. Barbas, down with it?

-There are mistakes I have made, but I only make them on my own terms. No deal.

-Before I hand over the axe, Barbas... do you want to stay with us? I mean, right now we can all just turn around and walk away from this place and call it a day. Is this what you really want? I mean, your buddy seems to be something of a terrible bastard.

-Give him the axe and trust you? I... as you wish.

-*I hand the axe over to Clavicus, Barbas reassures me that he will make sure Vile fulfills his part of the bargain and with that he disappears. Moments later he appears as a statue next to Vile in his rightful place.*

-Wait... I’ve... done the right thing? Look, someone, ANYONE needs to reassure me this was the right thing to do because right now.... right now, I’m so afraid I’ve failed.

-A mask? This is the gift I’ve received in exchange for my puppy?

-So, this is it. This is how his chapter of the story ends? He is back home, back with his twisted partner.... but this is what he wanted, so this must have been the right decision.

-Oh the lies I tell myself to make things easier...

-I guess this is it, time to do something I’ve never been any good at. It’s such a simple word but saying it seems to make things so damn final, but then again... it is.

-Goodbye, Snuggleface.

Where his story ends.

 (I always listen to different songs while I write these posts, in fact a few of the titles have references to the songs I was listening to during the writing process. I had a hard time finding something to set the mood for this entry, eventually I found it with "Black Lab - This Night", enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cucFfpsqf8)

 

Return to Skyrim, Day 4: The Old Man and the Sewer

-Good Ole Riften, the city voted most likely to make people say, “Where is my wallet? It was just here a minute ago...”.

-Look, I killed a dragon for you people! Why is no one impressed?! Where is your undying love and affection!?

-Fine, whatever, if I can’t impress the folks living in the city I’ll try to impress the ones living under it.

-The Ratway... well, I see why they don’t mention this place in the travel brochures.

-Excuse me, Large Burly man? Could you point me toward the.. um...*checks notes* the old man? WHOA! Easy with the axe buddy!

-Personally I’m not offended but, as you notice, Punchy here doesn’t take kindly to your unique brand of hospitality.

-I would ask if you learned your lesson about swinging sharp metal at Nords, but you seem pretty dead at the moment. I’ll just assume you got the point.

-The super scaley female lizard that owned the inn in Riften told me a makeshift inn exists down here somewhere... and yes Punchy, she was scaley, why is this a problem? Are you rolling your eyes at me?

-Do we ALWAYS have to fight like this when we are on vacation?!

-Hey, Barkeep, any idea where the “old man” is? Hey, no need to get all on edge. Actually that reminds me, you may need to hire a new door man, your last one just retired unexpectedly.

-How is it possible that the people that live under Riften are even worse than the ones in it?

-None of you want to help? Fine, you know what? I don’t need this! I’ll find him on my own with my lizard tracking powers... I really don’t know much about the animal kingdom so I’m just going to assume that is a thing lizards can do.

-Geez, who wears such fancy robes to the sewers? Damn it, THALMORS!

-Guess I’m not the only one on a quest to find an old man in the sewers, eh boys? Of course the difference is, I’m going to find him, whereas you are going to spend the rest of your evening prying arrows out of your skulls. *thwomp*

-The Thalmors may be “C” grade goons, but they wear some “A” grade armor. I could use all the funds I get, from selling off their stuff, to put Meeko through puppy college.

15-Well, I may not know who this old man if, but if the Thalmors want him dead he is automatically my newest friend... assuming I find him... and that he is still alive.

-Hmm, not sure if I have found the old man but this heavily locked door is promising.

-Sir? Sir?! Can you please open the door? I’ve traveled a long way to find you...

-*looks over to Punchy for help* I promise we aren’t here to sell you anything, nor are we representatives of any church...

-hmmm... Have I mentioned that I was sent by Delphine?

-There we go! Esbern, you are a hard man to find... how long have you been down here? If you don’t mind me asking, where have you been going to the bathroom?

-Aren’t you a ray of sunshine, listen I’ve heard a large number of prophecies lately and I’m going to be honest, I’m not a fan of any of them.

-Alduin is going to eat everything? I don’t even... how? Like, all at once?

-Wait, I’m not sure if you got the memo, while you were down here, but according to some very crazy guys that live at the top of a very dangerous mountain, I’m the Dragonborn. See! I knew that would brighten your day!

-Listen, we can sort this all out later, for now let’s get you back to Delphine so you can tell her your plan to save the world.... you DO have one of those, right? I mean, not to put any pressure on a man wearing a burlap bag for a shirt but the rest of humanity is sorta counting on you.

Both the most helpful and attractive person in Riften.

Return to Skyrim, Day 3: Stealing a Horse and other Shameful Acts

-Louis Letrush, behold I bring you your horse! Let me assure you any “cooked horse” smell you may be noticing was caused by an unexpect Flame atronach attack... what I’m saying is, we weren’t trying to eat your horse.

-Is it weird that I pointed out we didn’t try to eat your horse? Does that make us seem more guilty or less? Wait, I’m guessing these follow-up questions are not helping either.

-So long Louis, happy trails to you! Enjoy your completely uncooked horse and... *sigh*, that man is just never going to trust me again is he?

-Should I return to Riften or should I really shake the rust off and go poke at a dragon?

-Sometimes I ask myself some really stupid questions.

-*One mountain climb later*

-I’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!

-Listen! If everyone could stop getting thrown into the air by this Ancient Dragon I’m sure we could come up with a feasible plan!

-Meeko! What did I just say?! Get out of the sky and extinguish yourself right now!

-I don’t remember these fights being so difficult. Wait, I must be doing something different, something painfully and obviously wrong... *looks around*

-A HA! I’m standing on a mountainside and not an open field! That’s not very bright of me... I’m also on a narrow mountain path... with no way to avoid the living nightmare that just landed in front of me...

-No choice! have to jump and hope for the best!

-SEE YOU IN HELL GRAVITY! *Crunch* Oh god! MY LIMBS!

-Oh, healing potions, where would I be without your bone mending abilities?

-I suppose the obvious answer is, “in a special care facility,” but that was more of a rhetorical question.

-Listen buddy, the not so good folks of Riften need you dead and I need to make Riften a better place and all I know is violence, and that is how I’m going to fix things. So how about we just get on the same page here and let me kill you?

-This dragon is just soaking up arrows as if they were snowballs. Time to dip into the “special reserve poisons” portion of my backpack.

-46 points of poison damage? Well, don’t mind if I do.

-*thwomp* There, I KNOW you felt that one! Perfect, retreat to your flat mountain top home!

-Behold! The terrain is now to my advantage! Watch as my dogs run wild and free.... and gnaw your legs like rabid beavers attacking a tree.

-It’s been fun, but I have a city to save, time to bring this dance to an end *thwomp*.

-OoooooOOOOOooooohhh, I’d forgotten how pretty the “dragon soul” light show is!

-Quick headcount, let’s see, one badass Nord and two homicidal dogs, yep, looks like we all made it.

-Well, with that out of the way, let’s check the quest journal for other Riften based quests... Ah, find the old man living in the sewers... how disgusting, can I just leave him there instead?

Further proof that Punchy is the real hero here, I'm really just ranged support.

Return to Skyrim, Day 2: Bad Dog

-So, Ms. Jarl of Riften, you say one of the Black-Briars is in prison for murder? How does a Black-Briar wind up in prison in this neck of the woods? Don’t they run this town? Geez, he must have eaten the guy in broad daylight or something. Whatever, I’m going to go pay him a visit and try to gather some family secrets.

-What kind of clearance do I have, you ask mister Jailor? Well, just look at this face, can you not tell how trustworthy and handsome I am? You should totally let me into your prison for a visit.

-Who can say no to this face? No one, that's who!

-Sibbi Black-Briar, a magical combination of arrogance, entitlement and foolishness. If you were an animal you would have been eaten as a pup.

-You murdered your beloved’s brother in broad daylight AND stole a horse AND want your beloved’s head as a gift.... I don’t even know where to start in terms of how wrong all those words are.

-Sure, I’ll find her for you, just tell me where I can find that horse on your family's property, I might also need to know where your family lives, but that’s just a minor detail you should not worry about..

-Allow me to add “gullible” to the list of things that make you a special little snowflake, Sibbi.

-Alright team, we got what we need. Let’s swing by the inn on our way out and... where is Meeko? Did we forget him in the prison?

-Hello Jailor, yes it’s me again, the really handsome devil, anyway did you happen to see a dog around here? I came in with two and left with one, odds are he is around here someplace....

-YOU’RE IN A PRISON CELL, MEEKO?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!  Also, as a dog what crime are you capable of?! Did you fall into the wrong crowd while I was gone? HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN AN AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL?!

-I... I just don’t know what to say. I guess I have to spring my dog out of prison? Is this what I came back to Skyrim for? TO BREAK A DOG OUT OF HUMAN PRISON?!

-Fine, mission “dog prison break” was a smashing success. Let’s go see where the Black-Brairs call home, that is IF MY DOGS STOP COMMITTING FELONIES! Jerks.

-Either the Black-Brairs have the most heavily armed gardeners I have ever seen or these jokers have something to hide.

-Mercenaries, the place is crawling with them. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but the good guys don’t hire goons like these.

-Excuse me, Ms. Heavily armed goon? Do you mean to tell me that I’ve gotten close enough to you and the compound? You know, I was just thinking the same thing. *thwomp*, yep! I can totally arrow you in the face from this range. Thanks!

-I’m sorry, were you planning on helping your fellow goon? Good luck with that, I’ve told my puppies here that you have some dog treats in your pockets, also, that you are hiding an entire chicken in your neck.

-Right, we’ve taken care of the exterior goons, but I’m going to wager this place has its fair share of interior goons as well. Let’s see what these folks are doing to keep busy.

-Nothing says "Champion of Justice" quite like sneaking into a house and *thwomp* murdering a mercenary while he quietly eats an apple.

-*The clatter of silverware brings three more mercenaries charging into the room, the first has his momentum broken by Meeko and Snuggleface, the second is instantly paralyzed by one swing of Punchy’s enchanted axe. Both mercenaries are dead before the third can fully enter the room, he calls for mercy but the dogs don’t take commands from anyone but me... and I don’t take commands from him.*

-All this murdering will surely make Riften a safer place, right? Maybe I’m going about this all wrong... maybe I need to murder MORE people. Yep, that sounds right.

-But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, time to commit a lesser crime and steal this horse and bring it back to its rightful owner.

-Fixing Riften, one felony at a time.

Meeko: The reason we can't have nice things.

Return to Skyrim, Day 1: Reports of Demise and Other Overreactions

-Can I do this? It’s been like, six months since I’ve picked up the bow and tried to save Skyrim. It’s just been so long. If only I had some guidance, a role model to follow in my time of need....

-What would Punchy do?

-LOAD ALL THE SAVE FILES! Wait! Load the most recent save file, that makes way more sense.

-WHAT DO ALL THESE BUTTONS DO!?! How do I... anything?

-PUNCHY! I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH YOU MARVELOUS DRUNK! I can’t hug you so I’ll just jump at you to show my unbridled joy!

-Snuggleface and Meeko! I don’t suppose either of you remember how to equip a bow, right?

-Okay, I use to have this down to a science, what I need is human target practice to shake the rust off.

-How is it possible that I’m more than a hundred yards from a bandit? Has this ever happened before? Has Skyrim’s mind blowing bandit problem solved itself in my absence?

-Wait, no, Forsworn camp twenty feet from here. Phew, was afraid I had completely lost touch with this society.

-Here we go, let’s make this first shot count. Arrow back, aim for the skull and *thwomp*... 

-*clank*

-Right, can’t be expected to get the rust off quite so fast. This time I will factor in arrow drop and …. *thwomp*

-*clank*

-*sigh* Right! Thankfully this Forsworn is deaf... or already dead. Nope, he just went to go check out that rapidly growing pile of arrows. Let’s try this again...

-*THREE ARROWS LATER*

-*clank* OH SCREW THIS! You! Yeah you! Come over here! I need to bludgeon you to death, apparently.

-There! What I lack in depth perception I make up for in vicious beatings.

-Screams, rapid footsteps... I may be rusty but I know what those sounds mean. Company.

-*Thwomp* Right in the eye! Oh I know you can’t share my joy Mr.Forsworn on account of the massive internal bleeding, but let me assure you, the way I spun around and planted that arrow directly into your brain signaled my glorious return.

-My hit rate might be below twenty percent but my witty rejoinder rate is still a sturdy one hundred percent.

20-Nothing like stealing the boots off a dead man to bring back fond memories, eh Punchy?

-Well, our bags are now filled with the helmets and boots of various slow footed thieves. Now that the Forlorn know we are back let’s check in with our local den of villainy. Riften.

-Dear simple villagers, I don’t mean to cause a distraction but everyone stop and stare at the wonder of nature that is I, Dragonface!

-I never felt right leaving this town is such disarray. All this grief seems to be caused by one family, the Black-Briars.

-Let’s knock on a few doors, ask a few question, snarl, bark and cause a general ruckus. I want the Black-Briars to know there is a new sheriff in town and he can’t be bought... also that the new sheriff is a sharp dresser and way beyond handsome.

-And modest, that too.

Please cue the dramatic music.

Day Twenty-Seven in Skyrim: The Brotherhood Legacy

-I feel like I was suppose to tell somebody something... something important. Oh this is going to bother me.

-Did it involve talking animals? Nope. Something involving the Talmors? Maybe? Library books overdue? YE... no.

-Astrid! I killed Astrid! I was suppose to tell people, send out a newsletter or something.

-Hello city guard, wait, no I don’t care about your knee, I need to tell you that.... yes, I know, it would be great if I conjured you a bed, and no, I haven’t heard that request two hundred times, I.. SHUT UP AND LISTEN! I KILLED ASTRID!

-.... I’m not sure if bragging to you about murder was the best idea.

-Oh good! You’re happy I killed her! I’m happy you’re happy! It’s amazing how a simple murder can bring two strangers together in happiness.

-I don’t see any harm in informing some imperials about my handy work. It’s not like this is a trap, I mean, it doesn’t feel like a trap... MY GOD THAT MEANS IT IS MOST POSSIBLY A TRAP! I am completely uncertainly sure about this!

-Listen guys, we are going to walk into this little cabin and talk to Commander Maro, if he so much as blinks at odd intervals we drop him where he stands. I don’t trust the imperials, especially when it comes to claiming a reward for murder.

-Even if it was JUSTIFIED murder, which is was. Don’t give me that look Meeko, you’re a dog, you don’t get to judge.

-Maro, you can’t be serious, Astrid was the leader of the most powerful society of murderers in all of Skyrim? Really? That’s like being the fattest guy at a Texas chili cook-off.

-Also, have you gone outside recently Maro? I don’t mean to ruin your perception of Skyrim but every citizen of Skyrim has either killed a man, been killed by a man or is in the middle of killing a man while he kills him back. Honestly I’m surprised the horses aren’t eating each other.

-Maro, you are an odd man who seems to live in a fairy tale and that is why I’m willing to murder even more people to help preserve your idealized Skyrim.

-Besides, justified murder is my favorite thing... no wait, pizza, pizza is my favorite thing, then wine... I’m also pretty fond of Punchy here. Hmm, let’s just say justified murder is in my top ten of favorite things.

-Right, so Maro gave us the code words to enter the Brotherhood’s secret lair, “Silence, my brother”. As code words go, I have to admit, that one is pretty awesome.

-Maybe I can teach my children not to answer the door unless they hear that phrase? I mean, future therapist are going to need work.

-Well, this is the place, I guess I just knock on the door and OH MY GOD THE DOOR SPEAKS! Geez, I must be losing my touch, I should be long past the point of being surprised by talking things.

-Door, you may be pure evil but that is one marketable voice you got there.

-Listen team, I’m about to enter the second most wretched hive of scum and villainy. I’ve given this some thought, If I don’t come back I want you to go find that mammoth and follow him.

-Ok, here we go, wish me luck.

-*Ten disappointing minutes later*

-THAT’S IT?! Those were the lug-nuts that were responsible for a vast majority of the murders in Skyrim?! My god, I wish I had known they were made out of paper, I would have worked on my two-handed skill when I killed them.

-That one lady with the spider at least NOTICED I was up to something, but I’m telling you Punchy, if you go look around in there you’re going to find a bunch of corpses in the seated position with a single arrow in their skulls.

-I should add, they are all naked. How I managed to undress them and keep them seated is a disturbing mystery to me.

-You know what? I’m outraged! I can’t believe Astrid made that gaggle of two-bit thugs seem sexy. God! I wasted perfectly good arrows on them!

-Whatever, time to move on and find an enemy worthy of my time and arrows.

Just sitting back and enjoying the afterlife.

Day Twenty-Six in Skyrim: The Mammoth-Born

-Look at Malborn run, it’s almost as if a large and powerful portion of Skyrim now wants him dead... poor bastard. I should have just arrowed him myself.

-Best go sell off all this Elven armor before I go and get my stuff from Delphine. Wonder how much I’ll get for five full sets of armor that only have limited arrow holes in them?

-Yes Mr. Merchant I would like to sell all of the Elven armor in my bags and on my actual body... I, I’m starting to see a flaw in my plan. Hmm, what harm is there in some temporary public nudity?

-Hey! I don’t go around pointing out your personal flaws Mr. city guard, I am well aware of how naked I am! I’M GOING TO GET MY CLOTHES RIGHT NOW!

-Punchy DO YOU MIND! You could avert your eyes, you know?!

-Also I’m pretty sure you’re smirking, not sure what that is about, but quit it!

-Delphine! My things! There we go, fully clothed. My long quest for dignity is at an end. In theory.

-So exactly how attached were you to Malborn, Delph? I ask because the phrase, “He was last seen running blindly in the wilderness.” may come up in the near future.

-You know what I haven’t done in awhile? Just go roaming around looking for trouble. How does that sound Punchy? You look like you need to unwind anyway.

-Ah, the wonderful outdoors, the trees, the starlit sky, the dragon flying overhead interfering with my view, ah nature.

-Don’t you dragons have anything better to do? I’m not even out here trying to pick a fight! I’m just taking in the scenery and you jerks act like this is all about you! Well it’s not! I just... wait, where are you going?

-I’ll be damned, the dragon isn’t even trying to kill me, it’s going after that mammoth... huh... I can’t help but feel slightly rejected.

-AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?! WHY!? I TRY SO HARD! AND YET YOU PASS ME OVER FOR A MAMMOTH! A MAMMOTH!?!

-DOES THIS WORLD HAVE NO... justice...? Man that Mammoth is really showing that dragon a thing or two about taking a punch!

-Listen, Punchy, if that Mammoth says anything that even resembles “FUS RO DAH”, I want you to go follow him. Clearly he is the real dragonborn and I’m a complete fraud.

-This is crazy! If he kills the dragon does he get to absorb the soul? Is that how it works? I’m so confused by the things I am seeing.

-Wait, I’m the hero! This isn’t the amazing adventures of Manny the Mammoth! I’m killing this dragon, even if it means I have to arrow it in the butt.

-Note to self, email Bethesda and pitch the idea of, “Manny the unstoppable Mammoth” DLC.
-Ha! Totally kill steal’d from a Mammoth! I... I feel shame.

-Man, he’s just marching along like he isn’t the biggest badass in all of Skyrim.. marching this way in fact... ohhh boy.

-Hey, we’re cool right? See, I’m putting my bow away and acting very, VERY casual right now. No need to get all stompy on me.

-This game needs a “hold your hands up in a non-threatening manner” menu option.

-Please keep walking, please keep walking, please keep... MEEKO! Stop barking at the dragonborn Mammoth!

-Phew! He left. Nothing quite like mutual respect between dragonborns.

-If I could have that mammoth as a mount my life would find new meaning.

Pictured: The actual savior of Skyrim.